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Too young and no children Too young and no children

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  #1  
Unread 02-15-2006, 03:40 PM
Too young and no children

I have read a few of the threads and I am so surprised to hear my thoughts echoed. I guess I shouldn't be. We are all women!! I had my hysterectomy 4 weeks before my 32nd birthday. I don't have any children. I always thought I would have time to do it right. My biggest concern before the surgery was waiting too long and having complications because of my age. This came out of nowhere. The only "symptom" I had was lower back pain that was attributed to a degenerative disc. My back pain significantly decreased after my first surgery to remove uterine fibroids. I had the hysterectomy 3 months later. I get angry because a friend of mine had fibroids removed about 2 months prior to me. She has two children and her uterus. It makes me wonder why? Why was mine taken when I haven't even had the chance to use it? I have also heard the "you can adopt" bit from everyone. My heart broke the day I found out that I needed a hysterectomy. I even tried the I'll have a child first then a hysterectomy but it was a no-go. Unfortunately, my fibroid pathology report came back as "tumors of uncertain malignant potential" and my doctor felt it unwise to wait. It's funny though. Last February, I met a really great guy. He has been a God send through all of this. I never met the right man to have children with and then here he comes and now I don't have that option. I do have my ovaries and there is the possibility of gestational surrogacy. There's so much to question. Is there anyone out there with these circumstances? I don't mean to complain or be ungrateful. I see the positives. I feel like a made a choice between cancer and children. But the cancer may not have developed. I know I made the right choice. Right?
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  #2  
Unread 02-15-2006, 09:25 PM
Too young and no children

Oh ((gatrgirl)),
I'm really sending you lots of cyberhugs. I am also in my 30's and never was blessed with children due to several problems, mainly severe endo. Some things you said really hit a chord with me and I'm sure there are many others here who will respond back with more support for you too. I don't read your post as "complaining or feeling ungrateful " at all. I read you post as someone who did what was best for her and wasn't given a lot of options. I really think your situation was somewhat harder than mine was though, b/c I had years and years of problems and surgeries before the actual hyst. Even though I had the time to let the idea that I may never be a birth mother sink in here and there , it still didn't make it any easier though. So, I have to realize you were just taken aback by how quickly things happened for you. I know what you mean also, by "your heart broke the day you found out you had to have a hysterectomy".. you are among lots of others who know that terrible feeling all too well. It does truly hurt and sometimes others just don't fully understand unless they've been there and walked a mile in those shoes. Just try to surround yourself with supportive people and try to keep talking and venting when you need to. It still hasn't been that long since your hyst. Give yourself time to get your bearings as this is not only a physical surgery, it is an emotional journey too. Feel free to ask for support when you need it, you'll find many caring and supportive sisters on this site who have gone down that road before you and will be there when you need a kind ear. Hugs of support!
  #3  
Unread 02-16-2006, 02:29 PM
Too young and no children

((gatrgrl)

You made the right decision with the information that you had at the time. It is all one can do when cancer is a concern . We have to do what we need to when it is our health and life.

You are still young and you have a lot of living to do. Maybe someday you may find it in your heart to share your life with someone special that is needing a family and home.

It takes time to grieve and move on, so be easy on yourself and take it one day at a time. It helps to find something good in each day that comes along.

Sending lot's of s and hope for you.

Sue
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  #4  
Unread 02-19-2006, 10:41 AM
Too young and no children

I know how hard it is...and I know how you probably doubt the choice you made daily. I'm 29 I had my hysterectomy when I was 28. I don't have any children, I lost the first one due to a miscarriage and that was followed by severe dysplasia, which I had treated through minor surgery. After all that I married a wonderful man and we tried for four years to have a baby, I was ready to give up hope and sue enough I got pregnant! I soon found out that it was a tubal and had to have surgery an hour after arriving at the hospital. When I woke up my husband had told me that my doctor had said that it would be too dngerous for me to have children because of all the scar tissue. Of course having that much scar tissue is painful, and she said that I'd have to have a hysterectomy. I asked for time to think about and when I went back for my 6 week check-up, she said that it was far too dangerous..after hearing this a couple of times and dealing with pain constantly I agreed to have the surgery. I had them with 4 months of each other. Anyway, I seem to wake up everyday dealing with regret, there's nothing I wanted more than to have a baby. I don't understand how some people can have 4-5 babies and not even take care of them?? All I wanted was one and I couldn't even do that. Maybe losing two has played a part in this depression that has been plaguing me. I think maybe it'll take a whole lot of time for people like us to get over all of this. I hear the same thing as you do about adoption..it doesn't really help to hear that when things are so freah in your mind.
I really wish you all the luck in the world, I hope you figure things out and get to where you want to be.

Love,

Gracie_76
  #5  
Unread 03-05-2006, 02:20 AM
Too young and no children

I can say that I know just how you feel. I have wanted a baby since I was a little girl. I still do, but I know that it'll never happen for me. I had my hysterectomy when I was 28, after my second bout with cancer. It was a stage 2 and my doctor said she couldn't let it go on. I asked her if I could freeze whatever parts I needed to have a baby later and she said, "we can't do that". I asked then that my uterus be donated to science so that no one ever had to loose their dream like I did mine, to which she replied, " It will be in to many pieces for science to do anything with". That wasn't the most comforting thing to hear. But by the grace of God, I am still alive. I'd like to tell you it goes away, but it doesn't. It gets easier to cope with and you make it through minutes...then hours....and sometimes days where you don't hurt. I can now look at pregnant people and not hate them for their ability to reproduce. For the rest of our lives we'll hear, " Well you can always adopt" because people with uterus' feel guilty and can't think of anything else more "comforting" to say. Just remember that you have a net of love and understanding here to catch you when you fall and a bridge of faith to get you across this valley. If you need a friendly ear, I am always here for you.
  #6  
Unread 03-05-2006, 11:36 AM
Too young and no children

Well I can relate,I was 30 when I had mine due to severe endo and adenomyosis. I am now 33 one ovary left doing great.I do feel though that I have a different perspective of the child bearing issue. I feel that maybe one day I will adopt or have a dog, and I am fine. I feel that this world is crazy enough as it is, so Id rather help others who have lost so much and give back to society in different ways. Maybe it sounds crazy but, I would be happy to adopt a child out there who has lost their parents or who may be in a bad situation, needs a future. I am at peace with the choices, or situation that was put on my lap and stay focussed, wanting to make a difference in life if I can. I hope I dont sound mean but this is my way of looking at it.
  #7  
Unread 03-06-2006, 03:09 PM
Too young and no children

I think that adopting a child is a different thing from birthing a child. And I say this as an adoring adoptive mother myself.

I struggled with infertility for many years; when they did an exploratory lap, they found severe endo (one doc recently told me, the worst he'd ever seen)... but the infertility doc was trying to put an optimistic face on it I think and didn't tell me, let us just say, the whole truth. I never did conceive, and several years later, after a bad breakup, adopted a little girl as a single mom. I love her very very much, and still can't believe (3 years later!) that someone in the world calls me mommy.

Recently I revisited the question of whether to try again... even went so far as to make an appointment at an IVF clinic... but cancelled it, deciding that I didn't want to go through that heartache again. And shortly after I got the news about needing a hysterectomy. I knew I had severe endo, but they also said I have 7 fibroids and a uterus the size of a 14-week pregnancy. It hit me REALLY hard. Ironic. Like this is the closest I will ever get to being pregnant.

Here I am a mom... through adoption... and I had decided NOT to try to birth a child... and I am still grieving. For a week after making the appointment I had dreams several times a night that I was pregnant, and would wake up horribly horribly sad, wanting to get back to the dreams. It had been really hard.

I guess I'm telling you all this because I am an adoptive mom, and I know the joys that that route to motherhood can bring. But there is still SO MUCH grieving to be done about missing being pregnant, giving birth, breastfeeding, recognizing yourself in your child's face. Don't let anyone make you feel bad by telling you "you can adopt". I think with this grieving there is no way through but through, and you have to feel all the sadness and loss, much as it *****, to get through to the other side.

Take care of yourself! Melissa
  #8  
Unread 03-06-2006, 05:49 PM
Too young and no children

Hey Meljo, Im sorry you feel that way. I dont feel that way at all, look at this completely differently. You are certainly not alone though in your feelings.For myself though, I can live just fine without having a child, I know its precious but I really cant say that I ever felt distrought about it and felt that down. I have moved forward, and I have good people around me and its not an issue for me at all. I know that adoption is not the same as carrying your own child, but my beliefs are different. I undestand you completely though dont get me wrong. good luck
  #9  
Unread 03-08-2006, 06:00 PM
I know exactly how you feel....

Hi!

I know every single feeling that you are having because I have had them myself. I had just turned 30 when I was diagnosed and had surgery so I know how you feel. Next month will be one year for me both cancer free and trying to learn to cope with not being able to have children. If you need to talk to someone who has been there, feel free to contact me. Just kow that there are ladies out here that know your pain and are there for you.

Bearkat Princess
  #10  
Unread 03-15-2006, 03:50 PM
Too young and no children

Hello gatgrl
I had to reply to your message as so many things struck chords with me, even though I'm much older then you (45). I refused an hysterectomy when I was 40 as I still hoped to have at least 1 child. However, last spring I found out by chance that I was severely anaemic because of fibroids & heavy periods and my gp was considering a transfusion, which really scared me as I hadn't even known that there was anything wrong! Anyway I was referred to hospital & reluctantly agreed to the hysterectomy - I was told that my chances of conceiving and/or carrying a pregnancy were probably less than 20%, so I knew I had to be realistic, especially with my age going against me. However I still felt very emotional as it seemed like all my hopes of being a mum had been dashed. I had also been in a relationship but that didn't work out and we parted around the time of my first hospital consultation. I became very depressed and couldn't talk to people about it all - everyone kept telling me that it was a common operation, but they couldn't understand that I was trying to deal with my emotions and natural maternal instincts not the fear of the operation. I couldn't cope with surgery in the winter so I asked for a spring appointment and it has just been confirmed for 30 March. I am now at the point where I want my life back because I'm suffering every month and am exhausted most of the time, so I'm looking forward to getting away from the stress of work and it will do me good to slow down & do some cross stitching and Su Doku puzzles. I'm starting to feel a bit emotional now but that's partly because I'm reading other sister's messages and relating to their stories so much. I know that I need to feel positive about the future and contrate on what I have rather then what I have "lost". I hope that one day I will be lucky like you and meet a lovely man who will love me for who I am. I hope that your future is also a positive one and send you my best wishes.
queenbee
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