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I am gonna cry. I am gonna cry.

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  #1  
Unread 04-21-2001, 11:47 AM
I am gonna cry.

Hi Sisters.
I am sitting at this dang computer this morning not breathing. I mean, I can't breathe. I try to take a deep breath, because it feels like I have to and I can't get one. I am 10 days away now. I think I need to cry. Okay, I am crying. I just don't know if I can do this! I suffer from anxiety as it is, this is killing me. My 19 year old daughter and I are not speaking, my DH is a workaholic and my two small boys just can't be expected to understand. I AM SCARED! I think that I am going to change my mind! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I can't change my mind! I have had cervical cancer and my hormones have made me a constent monster. I am depressed and mean 3 weeks out of the month. I used to be so fun! What happened to me? They say it's stress and hormones but what if I do this and I get worse. What if I do this and I stay the same.... What if, what if, what if. I just have to say what if I am me again after this? What if I am better than me after this? What if I loose 30 pounds and this chin hair goes away Okay, maybe I feel a little better.
I started my LAST period yesterday. Hmmmmm, maybe this is why I can't breathe. Perhaps we could have a party to celebrate? I actually grabbed for a pad this morning when I woke up and did my morning potty and burst into tears because I wouldnt need them anymore! Somebody out there tell me that this is normal pre-op anxiety.
I went to my urologist who is going to fix my bladder yesterday and almost passed out in the office Then, he actually cathed me. I have never peed out of a tube before and found it to be very ikkkkky. Then, he had me bare down and push. I tooted on him and turned all kinds of red. Uggggggggggggggggggg! I have had 3 children and a fart sent me into hysterics! Hysterectomy Hysterics. Okay, I can't breathe again. What is this about?
PANIC!
Anywho, after the cath came out and I jumped and coughed and wiggled, the doc told me that the test was inconclusive and I have to do a repeat at 7:30 Thursday morning hooked to a computer. I told them that I couldnt make it by 7:30 as I have a seven year old son that I have to drive to school that day and was told that I should be greatfull that they are able to work me in on such short notice. If I could have caught my breath, I would have slapped him. Instead, I whimmped and said "okay".
I am still crying! Still can't breathe. If I am this bad now, what is day 9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2, and 1 going to be like? I am usually able to cope, even with my anxiety and depression. I am out of control and I don't like it.
Thanks for listening and caring, and understanding and being available to me when nobody else seems to give a poo.
Brenda.
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  #2  
Unread 04-21-2001, 01:05 PM
I am gonna cry.

To start off with this... take a good deep breath in the nose and out the mouth. NOW, calm down.. I am not quiet 2 weeks post-op and I feel like I have been given a new life. The month or so before my surgery I was the same as you are now. Try to calm down because it is very unnecessary. The worry before is the worst part of the surgery. And as far as your family, They don't have a clue,but you will see a different side of them after your surgery. They don't have a clue about the anxiety and feelings you are having, so don't feel so bad about them. It is so hard to be a Mom and Wife and take care of your self isn't it? You will be OK. Take care of yourself and relax and just think before long.... no more pads or tampons..Yea!!!!! You'lll be a NEW woman.. Watch out world!!!
  #3  
Unread 04-21-2001, 01:27 PM
Thank you Rhonda

Thank you for your reply. I think that I feel better now. I only think so though. Crying helped me breathe better and I have decided to stay in my jammies all day. This is always a feel better tactic for me. Okay, I am crying again so I am going to say bye-bye for now. Man, I am a mess!

Blessings and Prayers
Brenda

I almost forgot you. . . How do you feel? Is your recovery going well? Was it as hard as you expected? Did they take your ovaries? Are you on HRT? What did it feel like when they put you to sleep? I am especially afraid of this part of the surgery (so out of control and afraid that I will be one of those horrible stats).
Go ahead and tell me. . . I can take it!
I love all these smilies. They make me feel better too.
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  #4  
Unread 04-21-2001, 01:32 PM
Breathe In, Breathe Out

{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}

What you are feeling is SOOOOOO normal. It's hard to believe that feeling like a complete wacko is normal, isn't it? Well, it's normal around here!

The last weeks before my surgery I was a basket case! They give us too much time to think about it...and every possible thing goes through our minds. But PLEASE PLEASE believe me when I say that you will be so relieved and happy after the surgery...you will be fine. You will open your eyes and it will all be behind you, and all the junk you've gone through for years will be over. You can start to be the woman you want to be...(remember her?)

When the catheter goes in at the hospital you will be asleep and it won't hurt or be weird like that one was. It's manageable.

And I think you're peaking, anxiety-wise. As you get a little closer, you will probably calm down. Just try to imagine all of us sending you good warm thoughts to surround you....because we are! We're here for you and we will be every step of the way. BREATHE!!!

Much love,

Karen
  #5  
Unread 04-21-2001, 01:52 PM
I am gonna cry.

Hi Karen,
I am breathing better and crying more. This is good though. I think that it is helping me to just let it go. I have been feeling so scared for so long, so confused and so full of questions that the crying is long overdue.
Thank you for all of the support.
I don't have a mom or any sisters of my own. I am so glad that I found all of you.
Hugging you back. Really hard.
Brenda.
  #6  
Unread 04-21-2001, 02:10 PM
I am gonna cry.

Hi, Brenda,
Just sending good thoughts your way.
Although you have no sisters of your own, you have lots of sisters here!
Hope the crying has started to subside.
Take care of yourself. Look forward to the summer!
Dianne
  #7  
Unread 04-21-2001, 02:12 PM
I'm writing & I can't stop!! Sorry so long!

Brenda - I just found this website last night, it is great. I feel a little funny about writing, 'cuz I'm kind of shy, but when I read your post I felt a need to write to you. I just had my 42nd birthday 2 weeks ago (the same day I learned there was a possibility of ovarian cancer and had to have hyst. -- "happy birthday to me!"), and am a divorced mother of 3 (and one 2 yr old grandson). I am scheduled for TAH/BSO Monday the 23rd. I also suffer from anxiety/panic attacks. In fact right before I got on the computer I was about to work myself up into an attack. I started thinking, what if I wake up in the recovery room and have an anxiety attack, what if I feel like I can't breathe in the middle of the night and can't get anyone to help me, what if I REALLY CAN'T BREATHE and they think its an anxiety attack, what if I throw up all over everything, etc. Sounds like we have a lot in common, we both do the "what if" thing!!! I don't know what I can say to make things easier for you. I will say that just reading your post has helped me. Considering what all you have been through, I see a strength in you that maybe you can't see. You also seem to have a sense of humor and an ability to be down to earth and that is very comforting. Prayer and asking people to pray for me is the only thing that is keeping me sane. I listen to inspirational tapes, and music. I am trying imagery and relaxation. It does help me. And as hard as it may be for me, I am trying to give up control and let God carry me and handle it. I believe I understand also what you are saying about feeling alone. I keep thinking if I had my husband (or any husband?????) it would be better and I wouldn't feel so alone, but then again I know that isn't true either. Then I worry no one will want me later!!!!! UGGGGGGGG. Anyway, there are many people that give a poo - and I am one of them and I am sure there are many hyster sisters out there that care and understand when no one else seems to be able to. I really would like to hear from you. If you want to e-mail me that would be great too.
THANKS -- Jill
  #8  
Unread 04-21-2001, 02:19 PM
I am gonna cry.

Brenda, Thanks for asking, I am doing great! My recovery is going well,just boring. You just have to stay ahead of constipation is the big thing. Take your stool softeners or whatever your MD recommends. The whole experience was nothing like I had expected. It is not bad at all. The worry is the worst part of the whole experience. I had Complex Hyperplasia with Atypia(which is a pre cancerous condition). They took the uterus,cervix and left ovary(which was sort of stuck to my uterus), and also did the IVP dye on my kidneys and bladder to check them out. Thank God everything was OK with everything(NO CANCER). Also no HRT. When they put you to sleep, it is not scary. I was talking and the next thing I know I am being taken to my room and my family is in the hall waiting on me.It's no big thing!! Please don't stress and worry. Just take care of you! Please email me if I can answer any questions or help in any way.
  #9  
Unread 04-21-2001, 03:16 PM
I am gonna cry.

Hi Brenda,

Boy! Do I understand perfectly where you are coming from! I am now 5 days post-op and I want to tell you that I was a nervous wreck, a totally nervous wreck weeks before my surgery. I, too, got on this site and wrote and wrote because I needed someone (many ones!) to tell me that the way I was feeling was normal, etc. And they did, and they were right.

As you have heard so often, waiting is the most difficult part. No kidding, the night before my surgery, I broke down into sobs, and I mean sobs, and told my husband that the operation was off. I was not NOT going to go through with it. He listened and let me cry. The next morning I awoke at 4:30 ready to bolt this town....no one was going to find me. Anyway, to make a long story short, we went to the hospital. My surgery was scheduled for 7:30. Right on schedule. I cried in the pre-op room when the nurses came in. The last thing I remember is them telling me to whiff this oxygen. I did. Then poof! I awoke 3 hours later in the recovery room.

I felt no pain. Nothing. What they thought was one large fibroid, possibly 2, turned out to be 6! One was sitting on my rectum. Moral of the story....get on with the surgery...the anticipation of the whole ordeal is SO MUCH WORSE than the actuality of it. I am healing well, and I feel so much better already. Unbelievable that all that mess can grow inside of a person and not know it, except for the fact that I looked 4 months pregnant!!

You will do just fine. Keep reading these posts. Know that a Power greater than you is at work for your benefit. Take deep breaths and begin to imagine yourself relaxing....and as each day goes by you are one day closer to health!

Hugs...and prayer,

Michele
  #10  
Unread 04-21-2001, 03:19 PM
I am gonna cry.

PS....I had a TAH....the whole nine yards...cervix and all. No easy task, but it was and will be worth it. You'll see!

Michele
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