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Who has had their moms come to help after surgery? Who has had their moms come to help after surgery?

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Unread 03-11-2006, 01:35 PM
Who has had their moms come to help after surgery?

I'm a little concerned about having my mother come to help out after surgery (I'm 44, she's 63 but in amazing shape). I helped her out for a week after her cancer surgery 5 years ago, and we got along a lot better than usual. And it will be nice for my husband to have some help--he tries really hard, but he has a farm to run and if he's in here helping me, he's not out there dealing with the greenhouse and the chickens, etc etc.

But whenever my mom is around I start acting like a 12 year old. She drives me crazy, I drive her crazy, I think she's judging my life so I get all silly, she thinks I'm judging her so she gets all silly....

Anyway, she's definately coming because my uncle (her brother) is having knee-replacement surgery on the same day, so she'll be shuttling back and forth, helping us all out. It's sweet of her to come, but how do I keep from falling into bad habits around her? ( She's too nice to give me a hard time about the chaos we live in, but I know she'll be thinking it...it's mud season, we live on a farm, back off, I'll be thinking. Or maybe I'll just be thinking: give me another one of those marvellous painkillers!)
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Unread 03-11-2006, 01:57 PM
Who has had their moms come to help after surgery?

Hi tiva,
I think you'll probably just be feeling so wrapped up in yourself that you wont even notice if your mum makes what might otherwise be a sensitive remark. World War 3 could have started in my house during the first week post op and frankly I wouldn't have cared less. Seriously though relax, who knows you might just need to act like a twelve year old for a while after the op. I think that's what family are for, they let you regress a little and still forgive you just as you do them. Welcome your mum with open arms - you'll be glad you did!
Unread 03-11-2006, 02:09 PM
Who has had their moms come to help after surgery?

Hi Tiva! I can relate-my house is not nearly as clean as my Mom would like it and it used to drive me nuts when my parents came to visit. I would be a raving lunatic trying to get the place "up to par" and not enjoy the visits because I would be so defensive. Then my Dad died, my Mom got cancer (also 5 years ago this month and she stayed with me after her surgery) and my perspective has changed dramatically. My Mom and I are a little more honest with each other; as in I would be saying out loud to her "we live on a farm and it is mud season, but if it bothers you, you know where the cleaning supplies are." OK, in my case its the dusting and ironing, but you know what I mean. In fact, I will leave ironing specifically for her to do--keeps us both happy. And I have to admit, its very hard not to fall into the old habits of feeling judged and getting defensive, but I force myself to remember that I could've lost my Mom to cancer just like I lost my Dad and that makes me focus on all the good things that I would've missed about her. I do have regrets concerning my Dad and don't want that to happen with my Mom.
I guess what I'm saying is maybe you can role play in your head, you know what the triggers are and maybe you can try to plan/play it out in your mind differently, a sort of rehearsal so you can handle it better. Be gently honest with her. And have cleaning supplies handy for her!
I hope I've helped. I'll keep you in my prayers.
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Unread 03-11-2006, 06:37 PM
Who has had their moms come to help after surgery?

Thanks for the good advice, both of you!
Unread 03-11-2006, 09:55 PM
Who has had their moms come to help after surgery?

My mom is coming out to stay too, I posted a long-winded story of how our visits go on another thread but won't go into that here, suffice it to say I can relate. I am working on preparing myself to coocoon in my room and block out the chaos and madness in the rest of the house. As a mother of many children i am a master at that all ready. I just need to use my skills when it comes to my mom. LOL!

I thought of something when reading your post, there was a lady on good morning america or Today who had wrote a book on the realtionships between mothers and daughters, it sounded so interesting but I was busy with something and didn't write the title down, it was something like "are you wearing that?" basically the premise is that what a mother says is different from what she means and from how we as daughters hear it. I wish I could remember it might be a good one to read with our moms in the house!

Unread 03-11-2006, 10:01 PM
Who has had their moms come to help after surgery?

Well I found the book on Amazon, I was close!

It is called "Your Wearing That?" Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation by Deborah Tannen

Just in case you were interested!
Unread 03-11-2006, 10:40 PM
Who has had their moms come to help after surgery?

Hi.I am 35 and my mom is 65 and she is going to stay with me so my husband won't have to take work off.I guess at my age I still want my mom around after having surgery.
Try not to worry about the little things.Just try to enjoy being with each other.I know it is hard,but try to stay positive.
We cannot worry about our house being a mess.We need are time to heal.I look at it,if they don't like the mess ,they are welcome to clean it for us.
Good luck and I wish you well.Take care...
Unread 03-11-2006, 10:49 PM
Who has had their moms come to help after surgery?

Dear tiva,

My mother died when I was 10 years old. I would do anything to have her care for me when sick or me care for her or ANYTHING. iluvpurple has some great words of wisdom -- focus on all the good things. Use this crisis as an opportunity to overcome some of the bad.

Good luck with the surgery and recovery.
Unread 03-12-2006, 01:26 AM
Who has had their moms come to help after surgery?

My mom just lives up the road from me. She spent everyday in the hospital with me( 8 days, 7 nights) and few of the nights as well. I am 42 years old and she is 57. We have a pretty good relationship, but sometimes I feel like she is judging me too. I guess we're normal after all! LOL After I came home from hospital, mom and my step-dad came over to clean the house. She did the dusting and kitchen and he did the vacuuming and mopping. It was just great. I was lying in bed and I could hear them laughing and moving about in my house. It felt just like when I was a kid at home sick from school! I nodded off knowing that two of the most important people in my life were looking after things for me! Since then my mom has driven me to every appointment and procedure that I've had. Because of her, I survived those first 4 weeks. I have told her that several times now.
Unread 03-12-2006, 06:09 AM
Who has had their moms come to help after surgery?

kingduncan and all
I am 42 as well... my mom and step dad did the same thing!! Mom does the laundry and heavy duty cleaning and step-dad does the vaccuming! BUT... this is after they had left at 2 weeks to go to california thinking that I was fine (my mom was riding a lawn mower at 2 weeks and she had the BIG abdominal scar unlike my little scar! - she felt that I was being a little overcautious and needed to get moving again which I just could not do as I still felt so badly). Well, I ended up in the ER 2 days after they left on a trip thinking in their heads "she is fine, just being a little wimpy". Fortunately, they flew right home the next day - have never been so happy to see them as I am single and was put on bedrest for the weekend. Ended up with a second surgery four days later and I think mom finally realized that I wasn't being a baby... just wasn't getting better for a reason!! We have learned some valuable lessons from this experience to communicate better with each other and that mindreading doesn't work!! Geniemiami - thanks for words of wisdom, you are so very right!! Tiva - hang in there, will be thinking of you on the 31st!!

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