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Saying goodbye to my Uterus Saying goodbye to my Uterus

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Unread 03-19-2006, 07:34 AM
Saying goodbye to my Uterus

This thread comes at a good time for me--none of my friends my age have dealt with anything like this yet, and I've been feeling pretty isolated. I didn't have children, and I always felt that I would have been happy either way--with or without children. Many of the women in my family haven't had kids, so there's been no family pressure either way, and in my career (an academic scientist), it's very unusual for women to have kids, even now. I knew my decision to go into research would make having children more difficult, but not impossible. I ended up not having children, less because of my research, and more because my second husband felt strongly that he didn't want children. He told me this on our first date, when I was in my mid-30s, which was actually really good timing--a childless woman in her mid-30s needs to know those things about potential partners before she gets involved with them!

Anyway, so while I've been very content with my decision, it's still wrenching to realize the loss of potential here.

The irony is that my research concerns environmental toxins--toxins that act on the developing fetus and may cause fibroids later in life. So when I look at my uterus on the sonagram and see a huge, swollen, mishapen creature pushing all my other organs out of the way, I feel a sadness that we've created a world that leads to this. It's not my body's fault, or my uterus's, and I grieve that we've done this not just to women, but to so many other creatures.

When the sandhill cranes call in the field behind our farm (they're calling now), I mourn the oviduct tumors that so many of them have now too, because of environmental contaminants. We're all in this together. I'm not sure if that makes me feel less isolated, or sadder for all of us!
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Unread 03-19-2006, 09:34 AM
Saying goodbye to my Uterus

It looks like we all needed to discuss this, didn't we? I am up so early this morning because I had a very vivid dream that the doctor told me my fibroids were malignant (not true, just a bad dream). But it was so real I got up at 6 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. Then I got on here and read the rest of the posts after my last one, and I thought of two things: There is ALWAYS something to be thankful for; and, there are heroes and brave people around you everywhere, not just in the movies or in stories. I am losing my uterus at 42 with no children and no husband, with my father (best friend) having died in June of brain cancer and my mother gone in 1992. But you know what? I am not having to deal with uterine cancer right now (strangely in my dream I was crying not for me, but for my brother, because I couldn't imagine how I was going to tell him that after losing our parents he was going to lose HIS best friend: me). I didn't have a stillborn (my hystersisters, my hystersisters, I cannot imagine the pain). And you sisters are all so brave and stoic and dealing with difficult times with grace and HEROISM. I am going to get through this, and as I said in my prior post, I am not my body, I am a spirit and I can fly.

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