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DH thinks this will be a piece of cake... DH thinks this will be a piece of cake...

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Unread 03-31-2006, 07:01 PM
DH thinks this will be a piece of cake...

Hi All,
Just needed to vent a bit. DH just took me to dinner & I wanted to discuss my upcoming tvh/bso (May 9). He is a wonderful man...very supportive & helpful, but he has a way of "simplifying" things. I tried to explain to him what I would be going through & all the changes that will be taking place. I asked him if he'd read some of the articles & advice I have printed out from this site & others so that he'd understand better...he said he already knew what to expect & that if I was going to make much more out of it and negative than that's what it would be. Obviously, this upset me. He doesnt' know it all....I didn't even know half of what I've learned since I've been reading up. I know he'll help me in every way he can. I'm just afraid that he'll think it's no big deal & everything will be the same afterwards. I tried to tell him about hormones & testosterone & I may not have the desire I once had. He seemed to feel you don't need to have desire for sex to want to be with the one you love...that you could still make love even if you don't feel like it. Said he does it lots of time...he's had several surgeries for disc removals & a titanium disc put in his lower spine. I guess I'm just feeling that compared to some of the things he's endured , he may think this is a walk in the park.
Thanks for listeining...
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Unread 03-31-2006, 07:39 PM
DH thinks this will be a piece of cake...

OK wow he's able to make love after all his back surgeries? Well I have had neck surgery with a titanium plate, cage, and four screws to fuse the bones where the disc was removed. After my hysterectomy (a year before I hurt my neck) I had great sex. If the dr. is able to control your hormones you may not have to much trouble but there is at least hope. There is a hormone message board to offer help. I really hope that everything goes well. I don't know what menopause is like because I kept both ovaries but I haven't been comfortable enough to make love because I have to do all the work and it's to hard on my muscles. Dh won't really take control because he is overweight. You may want to read the link titled "Why did I take my husband to the dr. with me." https://www.hystersisters.com/vb2/sho...1&page=1&pp=20
On the second page I left some links of the actual procedure itself in an animated form. It actually shows the stitching of the top of the vagina towards the end of the video.

You only have one chance to heal right and if you mess up or have intercourse before the dr. clears you you could do a lot of damage. You will have stitches up at the top of the vagina healing where the cervix will be out so they have to be completely dissolved and the area healed before you can even put anything inside. The rule is nothing inside the vagina till the dr. clears you. Good luck. s
Unread 03-31-2006, 08:29 PM
DH thinks this will be a piece of cake...

Sorry for your fustrations. My DH looked up the links for family members on this website. He learned alot on what to expect. This really helped. I was afraid that he would think that I am making this to be more than it should. He thinks the opposite. He wants me to heal right and to do things within reason. Hope things go smoothly for you and you feel that you are getting the support that you deserve.
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Unread 03-31-2006, 09:22 PM
DH thinks this will be a piece of cake...

Well, if he thinks it's going to be so easy, maybe HE would like to have the surgery! I took my husband to my preop meeting with my surgeon who set him straight on what was about to happen, and I am grateful for that. Good luck to you.
Unread 03-31-2006, 10:52 PM
DH thinks this will be a piece of cake...

Ok, off with his head!! Maybe both since he thinks sex will be so easy....... Everyone's pain threshold and recovery time is different. If he won't read the articles, I'd read them to him. Since he is a good man, and you think he will be there for you, maybe he will come around. Especially if he is there when the doctor tells you your discharge instructions. I'd make sure he heard them!! Good luck!!!!
Unread 04-01-2006, 06:13 AM
DH thinks this will be a piece of cake...

My take him with you to all your remaining appts with the GYN so he can hear your questions and the doctors answers. He may even pose a few questions of his own. This is MAJOR surgery, and you only get one chance to heal right. I think sometimes men over simplify things because they are worried, and can't fix it. Best of luck to you. See you on the other side.
Unread 04-01-2006, 06:24 AM
DH thinks this will be a piece of cake...

s to you leapyear4! I know what you mean. The men here seem to fall into two catergories either they are callous & oblivious as to what you are about to go thru or they are so worried and helpful. Mine tends to fall into the calloused category most of the time. Dont get me wrong he is a great man and I know that he cares and is worried. But men are fixers. And with us ladies they just cant fix us! Most of the time they dont understand us . I am very aware of the differences between the sexes as my DS is 12 in middle school and oh my-what a payton place that place is!

For me getting my DH is talk about the upcoming surgery has been hard. He needed time to digest that it was going to happen. As a note, he was not in my life for a lot of the major problems as bc kept a lot of the stuff at bay. But after 3 years of the depo I had to stop and the flood gates have opened so to speak. So a lot of this is new too him. But when I am honestly not feeling well he is very compasionate and understanding. I took things in baby steps. A lot of times it was later in the evening or when lying in bed (we have some of our best talks late at night all snuggled up). He isnt very concerned with the details (so to speak). Now to complicate matters he has started a business (with partners) and is rarely home. But has assured me that he will do what ever it takes. I am finding that as I get closer to the surgery that I am able to get conversations going. His biggest fear is "THE CHANGE" and it has been a problem for the past year or so. It rears its ugly head and we argue over the thermostat, covers, windows being opened when it is 30 degrees outside. I am hoping that the hormones will come thru.
As for the sex issue - well lets just say it isnt much of an issue at the moment. But we have a true intimacy so that is ok.
I have spent hours and hours and hours here and I believe that those of us that have truly wonderful partners will be happy with them as the time comes. Men just digest this differently than we do. But this is the best place to come to vent our frustrations.
I think I may have rambled on and I am sorry. My concentration level isnt that great at the moment (sleep issues, night sweats etc). I think most men that are simplifiers (as is mine - get to the bottom line his one of his fav expressions) just need time to digest and need us to explain what we need in as few words as possible.
Good luck sweetie!
Unread 04-01-2006, 08:41 AM
DH thinks this will be a piece of cake...

Your Dh may be teasing you. My Dh seemed to not understand, but since I had the surgery he has been great and doing things for me. He won't let me do anything.

He may see things differently after your surgery. Just don't do what you shouldn't do. Things can wait. I know it will be different for him as well as for you, but help him to understand.

Best of luck to you

Unread 04-01-2006, 09:59 AM
DH thinks this will be a piece of cake...

He will probably change his tune once the surgery is over and sees how NOT minor this is. I think some men lump this all under the category of 'women's problems', and it's expected of us to be able to sustain anything and still carry on with our womenly duties

I have the opposite problem here, I'm trying to downplay things.. for my own sanity, and to shield my daughter from negative thoughts. My husband is a Mother Hen who has threatened to tie me to the bed for 6 weeks. Somewhere out there, there has to be a happy medium

Good luck!!
Unread 04-01-2006, 10:26 AM
DH thinks this will be a piece of cake...

i found myself in a similar situation. took hubby to pre op yesterday..armed with my three pages of questions thanks to this site. hubby didn't want me asking them all. when i told the dr. i had three pages of questions, he was very glad, said he liked when patients ask alot of questoins, and liked the fact that i was so organized. sooo, we went through my lengthy list of questions.

while husband understands that i will have limitations...and has totally accepted that..he still doesnt seem to understand how this is effecting me emotionally. we too went to dinner last night, and every time i tried to discuss it, his response was 'you are going to be fine, go in, have the surgery, recover, and move on". why can't they understand the emotional toll this is taking on us? the dr. is concerned of the existence of cancer, and if i even try to remotely mention it, hubby shuts me down. says he wont talk about it, and wont consider it, because isnt going to happen. says if i talk about it, i am bringing in negative energy and the prospect of it, but if i dont talk about or consider it, it wont happen. it isnt his body, and yes, the concern is there for me, but he doesnt seem capable of understanding that.

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