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Husband not supportive Husband not supportive

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Unread 05-09-2006, 10:15 AM
Husband not supportive

I just was wondering if anyone has had any trouble with getting support from there husbands? I have asked mine on three separate occasions to show me more tenderness and affection but he just has not done it yet. With my surgery being this Friday, May 12th I finally lost it yesterday and verbally attacked him with how I was feeling that he was not giving me what I needed when I needed it. I even emailed him the link to the men’s site hoping he would look it over so he would have more understanding. He didn’t feel he needed to do so. I am at my wits end and just do not know what to do anymore with him. He just keeps joking around like nothing is going on but I guess nothing is to him. I am to the point that I do not even want him there with me for this and wishing something would happen to me so he could see that he missed out on those last times of being tender to me. I know nothing will happen though because my doctor is very good. I just feel so alone right now.
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Unread 05-09-2006, 10:23 AM
Husband not supportive

*HUGS* Im so sorry you are having to go through this right now. I know it must be hard. Maybe your hubby is having a tough time dealing with it and is scared himself. Sometimes men just dont seem to get it! Ya know? Too bad we can slap them around a little bit and knock some sense into them! My hubby isnt a very affectionate person and that is really hurtful at times especially when I need him to hold me. He's finally gotten to where he will listen and show more affection now. For awhile I thought Id have to kill him. LOL Just kidding of course. This site offers so much good advice & the ladies are great. I hope and pray all goes well for you and your hubby comes to his senses. *HUGS*

Unread 05-09-2006, 10:43 AM
Husband not supportive

I really don't believe men understand what we are going through.My husband thought they would go in and snip snip and I would be back to normal.He did read hystermister and it did really help.He finally realized that it was major surgery.Hopefully your husband will come around soon.Good luck..
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Unread 05-09-2006, 11:13 AM
Husband not supportive

You're far from alone when it comes to dealing with an insensitive husband. There are numerous posts here about this issue. My DH hasn't been very supportive either. I don't think your DH is intentionally trying to hurt you since so many of our men have this problem, it is how they are "wired." That doesn't change the fact that it hurts. Since having a candid talk with him didn't help, I would now find someone else to lean on. Maybe a family member or friend? You need understanding & support and hopefully someone else can give that to you. Maybe your DH seeing someone doing what HE should be doing might "wake" him up and he'll step up to the task. I hope this has helped and good luck! Know that you also have ALL of us...we're here day & night!

Unread 05-09-2006, 11:15 AM
Husband not supportive

I was accused of being "selfish" and "spoiled" because I wouldn't go to Walmart seven days post op. Never figured my husband to act like this! He also said he's so tired of everything being "about me". With everything I did to prepare myself for this (reading, talking, posting) and all the things I did to make my post op easier (arranged for help from friends, had my teenage children help, made sure I had everything I needed at arms length) and even working hard to recover (was making dinners for the family the first week and light housekeeping) I fail to see his point. However, I do think he's not getting what he feels he needs and wants this all to be more "about him"--I just don't understand it, but I wasn't totally surprised because I read about other husbands being like this on this forum prior to surgery. Perhaps the men need a crash course in patience, sensitivity and coping skills.
Unread 05-09-2006, 12:12 PM
Husband not supportive

Men are born "fixers" - if they can't fix it then they seem to ignore it, or if they are scared (and won't admit it) they ignore it. My DH was supportive, however, from the beginning I took him with me to all gyn appts so he heard what I was hearing, most of which was TMI for him, but he did it anyway. I too emailed him the mistersister link. Fortunately for me DH has two sisters who have been through a hyster, so he knew somewhat what to expect for recovery. Hopefully once you have had the surgery DH will realize that this is major surgery, and will step up to the plate. Best of luck to you.
Unread 05-09-2006, 01:18 PM
Husband not supportive

I agree with Penguinlady to a point. Men are born "fixers" but I think if they can't fix it and it is out of their control, especially when it is about someone they love dearly, then it scares them, and often a coping skill used to deal with that is to make light of the predicament or even joke about it. Understanding and accepting that this is how many men will react to this type of surgery, and letting them know it's okay to feel helpless to resolve things, often opens the doors to a much more open and sharing of feelings type conversation.

I know when my husband and I had a frank discussion, the tears in his eyes ssaid everything about how he really felt, and that his joking fascade was his coping mechanism. Once that was out in the open I had no problems coping with the light-heartedness and joking
Unread 05-09-2006, 02:36 PM
Husband not supportive

Thank you all for your wonderful points of view and thoughts hoping things get better. I will just have to wait and see if he does get any better. The one good thing is I do not have to wait much longer.

This message board has been a wonderful help to me with all the tips & hints and things I have learned that can or will go on with my body after surgery.
Unread 05-09-2006, 03:38 PM
Husband not supportive

Sorry to hear your husband is not supportive. Neither is mine and I know the all alone feeling. When I was bleeding so heavy I told him I had to go to emerg he said why you will just have to wait a long time. I said better then bleed to death and went alone. He does not understand why my periods are so bad at times I can't leave the house and it feels like he is blaming me for these health problems. He says what are pads for he does not get it that pads are not big enough in my case and I get dizzy spells so driving is dangerous. I am going soon to see my ob/gyn to discuss surgery and my husband just keeps making plans for us to do all sorts of things this summer and when I say lets just wait to see if I will be home or in the hospital he just walks away. I know they just don't get it but the nerves around surgery would be easier to take if husbands were supportive. My sister-in-law had bladder surgery and my brother even changed her dressings for her. Now that is support and caring. I worry about my recovery with a nonsupportive spouse. There are times I think I would be better off DIVORCED.

Sorry for going on I am not sure what to tell you but I do know the feeling you are not alone.

Unread 05-09-2006, 04:44 PM
Husband not supportive

My husband was absolutely useless at first - he would swing from over protective smothering to remote indifference. After one of the latter moments I went crazy at him - tears and shouts all round, not pretty - he finally (after about three hours) broke down and said the reason for his distance was he was terrified. I agree with the other Princesses who have already stated men are fixers. Good luck for Friday x

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