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Husband not supportive Husband not supportive

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Unread 05-09-2006, 04:46 PM
Husband not supportive

I wish I had a husband...or kids... or anyone. I do not have anyone except friends (who do not live close by) and I am terrified> Has anyone ever gone into some type of rehab center? This is the only thing that's holding me back.
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Unread 05-09-2006, 05:01 PM
Husband not supportive

Tina's legs, I'm afraid I can't help you regarding rehab, and I know it's not the same, but you have all of us online. When my husband has been an idiot, it's been my only comfort.
Unread 05-09-2006, 10:54 PM
Husband not supportive

My hubby has sometimes been terrible and unsupportive. But, when I looked at it from his point of view, he's so scared about this stuff! He feels completely useless and helpless that he can't fix things for me, especially when I'm so sick. I found this out after asking advice from a friend, and finally after getting through to hubby. When I try to remember how he's feeling, I can often get a very supportive and helpful response from him. I hope things go better for you.
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Unread 05-10-2006, 06:46 AM
Husband not supportive

My DH has had his moments when he's been so caring and helpful and other times so distant and thoughtless. This is my third surgery in the past 18 months and I know that this has been difficult on him emotionally and financially. But this last time around I lost it with him when we were driving to yet another Dr's appointment. I had to have a catheter reinserted 2 days post-op because my bladder went on vacation, we were going in for another voiding trial. I was very uncomfortable in the car and winced when I moved because the catheter pulled at my already irritated urethra and DH told me , "relax, you need to take some Prozac or something". Needless to say I flipped out, screamed at him like a lunatic and said something like, "I wish I could insert a catheter into your penis, have you drag around a bag of urine around all day and see how smiley and happy you'd be!!"
Needless to say later he apologized and told me that he is just so worried about me and he hates to see me like this because I'm always the strong one.
Sometimes DH's act like this because they can't solve your problem and don't realize we're not looking for a fix from them, only to be loved, nurtured and protected. But then again men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
Unread 05-10-2006, 07:09 AM
Husband not supportive

Before my surgery my DH thought my pain was in my head. He had no idea that I was just completely miserable. When he first heard I might have to have surgery he blamed it on the medical profession (he is NOT a person who goes to the doctor unless absolutely necessary, and he's been lucky so far). It honestly took getting to the ER, having 3 docs telling me, in front on him, that I had a huge mass, they didn't know what it was, may be blocking my kidney, etc. etc. before he believed me. Before my surgery he was very distant and I think he was freaked out about the whole thing (like I wasn't!!). He also thought that 2 days out of the hospital I would be completely healed, and all better. Once it sunk in that the docs say 6 weeks for a reason, he was more nuturing than I've ever known him to be, and I can't imagine how I could have made it through those first 4 weeks without him. I agree with what so many other sisters said here, and in our relationship, talking about it to much (which I needed to do just to vent) would make him shut down. Thank God I found this site - you sisters have been like therapists for me, and by being about to talk to all of you, and found I didn't need to explain all my aches, pains and worries to him. to all of you.
And best of luck Bunny - you're going to do just fine, and we'll be looking to hear that you are home from the castle!
Unread 05-10-2006, 07:22 AM
Husband not supportive

As it has been said before, men are fixers and they cant fix us, so they feel helpless. Mine was the strong silent type, wasnt interested in the details, etc. I found that by gradually talking to him (usually in bed) that he came to understand. Then about a week before my surgery, he & my mom were on the phone about Easter. I left with DS. The next day or so, my mom confided that DH was indeed nervous but didnt want me to know! I also know that he got scared after my surgery because I was having troubles with my pain meds. He was great while in the hospital and the first week I was home. He is still great, but since he started a business in Jan, I have reassured him that I am fine & to do what he needs to do. He knows when I am exhausted and even tho he works 12 - 16 hours a day, he is very willing to do what I cant. I hope your DH realizes how major this surgery is. Good luck!
Unread 05-10-2006, 07:56 AM
Husband not supportive

These post sure do make me feel like I'm not the only one with an insensative husband. It's hard to understand just how they can be so cold. My DH was not there for me at all for my first surgery. in fact, i drove myself tot he hospital because we have 3 little kids and no family up here we thought it would be better for me to drive myself. But then came the complications from the anesthiea (sp). DH never came to the hospital all day, I didn't hear from him unitl 8:30 that night. He was in touch with my doc and they told him I was having a hard time, vomiting non stop and needed to be admitted. So that was enough for him. But the fact is I was ALONE, the nurses were so busy, I was vomittin all over myself, no water to drink, no socks, NOTHING. When he finally did call, I told him I needed him there, i could hardly talk, I was on oxegen and just kept on vomitting. He got all honkerblonky with me on the phone because it was late and now he was going to have to bring the kids. i told him NO WAY, do NOT bring the kids and hung up. He showed up at 10pm and my baby literally wanted out, she was terrified seeing me like that. My 6 and 5 year old were also terrified. It was no help. he cold have asked freinds or neighbors, there were other options and ignoring my needs was not one of them. When I was discharged, I was in so much pain from all the vomitting, I couldn't take a deep breath i felt like there was an elephant on my chest. I never was able to even take pain meds for my surgery.
His mother came up to stay the next day and he never asked how I was feeling at all. He went and cut the lawn for caused so much resentment. Weeks later he apologized and said he wished he had made different choices. he was thinking that by staying out of my way would have been best, but I know he was doing what was most comfortable for him, not for me.

Truth is, men can't handle not being able to fix it, but if they only would just realize that they can make it better[i] by just doing little things. Being there for us emotionally is HUGE. And being emotionally unavailable is horrifying, Particularly in times like this. DH and I need to talk this weekend, because that is one of my biggest fears with this upcoming TAH. He needs to man up and get his head on, because if he doesn't I can't be with him anymore. I know that sounds harsh, but his lack of emotions speak volumes to me.
Unread 07-17-2006, 06:29 PM
Husband not supportive

My DH and his kids are not supportive of me at all. The very night I got out of the hospital, my sleep pattern was off, I was awake from midnight until 10am the next morning. My husband stayed out all night until 6am and did not check on my once. My mother and my aunt came here but they are older and I did not expect them to do what my husband should have done. He wants MY kids to run and do everything. Also his older kids did not bother to call me once, while I was in the hospital or during my recovery period (which I am still on) oh but his elder daughter did send her to children (ages 4 and 2) to my home. The children sleep in the bed with me and they are wild sleepers. I am so afraid one of them will kick me in my stomach or worse. I am still mad at him, he tells me he does not understand why I am not talking to him, but those are the reasons. I really don't want to be bothered with him anymore (because of his constant insensitivity).

Signed "Thanks for letting me vent"
Unread 07-17-2006, 09:39 PM
Husband not supportive

My DH had bypass surgery three years ago, so you would think the idea of major surgery would be one he could handle. Not. I hate to throw it in his face, but about all I can do to get his attention is frequently remind him of all I gave up for him. My life basically, for 2 months, with no forewarning, then spent another 6 rebuilding my business that lost clients during that, then came the winter of "I'll never be the man I used to be..." Nobody bothered to tell me surgical depression waits a few months. I was exhausted a year after it all happened and he's doing great (which is wonderful, don't get me wrong...). Now I 'm looking at my business being hit again, facing surgery for the first time in my life, and it still seems like half my energy is about him - explaining what I need, what's going to happen, correcting his rather wild assumptions. I never planned to learn all there was to know about heart bypass, but I did, and kept him informed and healthy. His reaction to my predicament? He's developed an unnatural relationship with the tractor and mower. I thought I wanted him at the castle with me, but I'm beginning to wonder since a lot of my time will be spent explaining things to him. We have the right to be about ME during this, right?
Yet Another Venter
Unread 07-17-2006, 11:31 PM
Husband not supportive

I am very nervous about DH's reactions so far. They go from fine to indifferent (although I think its really more of he doesn't know what to say so he shrugs it off. His concerns, not me but it comes across as me.

We'll see how recovery goes. At least for me, I can always go stay at my moms.


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