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Husband not supportive Husband not supportive

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Unread 07-17-2006, 11:45 PM
Husband not supportive


I wonder if he was like my dh? He seemed to not care AT ALL about major medical problems I was having. He wouldn't talk about it with me - I thought he was very uncaring and kind of horrible.

It turned out (after months of prying) that he cared so much that if he thought about what was happening with me, it kind of drove him nuts. It hurt too much, so if he pretended like it wasn't going on, he could cope with it enough to get through work, etc. When women talk together, they're showing they care about each other. When men hear us talk about something that's wrong, they want to fix it - it's how they show they care. When they can't fix it they often have to block it out.

He's an extremely intelligent man so this really surprised me that he could go into such deep denial, but the more I talk to women who have been married a long time, the more I hear that this is how many, many men are.

My dh is much better about this now. When I mention a problem and he gets angry, I remind him that I just need him to hear me, and I don't want him to fix anything right now. It helps a lot, and as time goes by it gets easier for both of us.

Anyway, when I read your post it reminded me of dh and me not all that long ago. I kind of wondered if your dh was going through the same thing? That whole, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"...whoever said that was pretty close to it! We just relate so differently.

I hope things work out for you. Take it easy.
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Unread 07-18-2006, 12:32 AM
Husband not supportive

Its weird though. I think your right. he doesn't want to show me 'any weakness'. When this first all started in May, I wanted to talk and talk and talk. To anyone who would listen. Probably drove people just nuts you know? It didn't help that my mom was on vacation. I didn't want to tell her and risk her returning early when 'there was nothing to be done' at that very point.

He really wouldn't talk to me. But weeks in, he confided (looking so guilty that he had unloaded on a co-worker). I think he was embarressed to have 'told my business'. I'm not a really rpivate person so I wasn't upset. But it told me it wasn't like he had just pushed this all out of his mind...

Unread 07-18-2006, 01:04 AM
Husband not supportive

Gosh, Julie, that sounds like a page right out my my husband's and my life. It really is taking a while to iron out these differences in how we handle things, but since we're both trying it helps an awful lot. It's certainly worth it - we're getting stronger together.

I wanted to talk to him about EVERY single detail - I'm not exaggerating. It used to make him so mad, and I kept thinking things like, "The doctor just said I probably have a bleeding disorder, and you're ticked that I want to discuss what he thinks is wrong? And you won't go to doctor appointments with me? Do you give a flying leap?" I feel so much better if I can "think out loud" and it was driving him nuts. I figured he didn't care and it didn't seem like him, but he kept doing cold things.

Sometimes I had to be a little tough with him, but what works best is saying, "I need to talk to you about this. I don't want you to fix anything, and you don't have to say anything." He tells me that men do NOT get subtle hints, you really have to be waaaay up front with them about things. So, sometimes I say, "I need you to go to the doctor next week because he's going to tell me what I need to do to cope with my bleeding disorder for the rest of my life. You need to hear it, too." If I said what I wanted to say ("Can you come with me to the doctor?") he would never understand...and he's actually very, very smart.

I also joined, and two other online support groups for different medical disorders I have. That takes some of the pressure off him so he doesn't have to listen to me "think out loud" so much. I've also started calling my adopted mom and sister a lot more. They don't mind listening and help me keep my head on straight.

I hope things work out for you two. Sometimes a couple just needs to learn more about understanding the other's communication style and needs. I'm not sure if I'll ever figure out my sweetie , but I think I'll do my best! He really is a wonderful man, I just misunderstood him for a while (just married this year, so there is a lot to learn!).

You take care and good luck!
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Unread 07-19-2006, 12:39 AM
Husband not supportive

Thank you all so much for helping me feel less confused about the behavior of the love of my life. Our situation is a little wacky anyway. We're not married yet and we have a long distance relationship. I'm okay with him not being here physically, but I expected a little (a lot?) more emotional support. You see, he encouraged me to put my health first from the time we met. Now that I'm so close to this life-changing event, he's MIA... I understand he's putting in a lot of extra hours at work, but is it too much for me to expect a call or even an e-mail? So picking up on some of your wise advice and suggestions I sent him a letter with some specific ways he can help, if he's willing to do so.

I'm encouraged to hear that some DH's have changed their behavior!
Unread 07-19-2006, 09:30 AM
Husband not supportive

I posted earlier concerning a possible upcoming hysterectomy and was preparing myself for that when my husband came home from work and questioned the decision. His support is not there because he doubts the OB-GYN's assessment that an Ablation will not work. During the visit to do a biopsy the dr. said my uterus is too big to have a successful ablation. My hubby has always doubted doctors and he says he loves me.

I have read the posts on husbands support and agree with how men want to fix things. I am finding that this whole issue has struck the cord of some deeper things. Trust. He did come with me to the visit but felt left out of the decision making process. He said he felt like he was not even allowed in the discussion. I am like "duhhh" who is the patient? He wants to be involved in the whole process like he was when we had our 4 boys. He is an enginneer and has a need to understand why things happen. He understands why I need to have my overy out (it has a cyst on it) but does not understand why my uterus, cervix and other overy have to go too. He asks everyone who will listen and then drags me in to listen to what they have to day (like the insurance lady and another friend). I want to prepare myself for this and feel that I need to go through the steps with him so he on board with me before I do this. It is so frustrating. We got to bed around 2am going around this-my emotions were so riled up I cried for hours. I wish it were more cut and dry with me that the reason to have the hysterectomy was more sure.
Unread 07-19-2006, 10:23 AM
Husband not supportive

My Surgery is still some time off... in October, and I gotta tell you ladies... all this non-supportive husband talk is scaring the <Please do not override the website censor!> out of me. I live in Germany, far far away from any other help -and although I am working on trying to get my mom out here for the first 2 weeks, and the hub has promised to turn into Martha Stewart if need be to help me get through this...
I don't know. I am not one of those women with a lot of "warm fuzzy" kind of needs, but I do have some.
I guess time will tell, and hopefully easing him in to site like this will help prepare him (and me) for what is coming.
Unread 07-19-2006, 10:55 AM
Husband not supportive

Hi Bunni and sisters,
I agree that many times a man will joke when he feels scared and helpless-- I'm proud of you for verbalizing your need to him and not just trying to get him to read your mind-- maybe if you were more specific? (I don't know, maybe you already were.) But when some men hear "Be supportive" they think "Go to work" -- Dr Laura says men are very simple beings and she has never had a man tell her otherwise!
Good luck and HUGS!

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