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I'm losing it today I'm losing it today

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Unread 05-23-2006, 02:57 PM
I'm losing it today

I don't even remember what triggered it, but all of a sudden it was like I ran into a brick wall. I have been crying that ugly child-like cry where your chest heaves incontrollably, from the realization that I will never, ever know that mother/child bond. I had this picture in my head of looking into my newborn's eyes with all that joy & hope for the future. I will never look into MY baby's eyes & build that bond. I'll never have that pregnancy "glow" or know the feeling of having a life grow inside of me. I will never know what it feels like to love a son or daughter so much you would kill or die to protect them. Yes I know I can always adopt if I want to...not the point. I've been brought up basically like my sole purpose in life is to give my mom grandchildren since she was only able to have one child when she wanted many. I know this will pass, but I feel like what possible use could I be to society if I don't have at least one child. I feel guilty for not being medically well enough for giving her what she wants. I'm angry that the possibility for kids is being taken from me....didn't sign up for this. I'm anxious for my 24/7 pain to be gone (hopefully hyst will accomplish this) so I can get on with my life. Right now I feel like I have no life of value to look forward to because society insists that there is something evil & horrible about childless women. I don't know what I wanted to accomplish by writing this. Thanks for letting me vent. So sad, angry, guilt-ridden.
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Unread 05-23-2006, 04:16 PM
I'm losing it today

Hello itstime

I want to send you a as I felt just the same before my TAH - I'm single & childless and was so emotional pre-op that I couldn't talk to anyone about my feelings. It's so hard to come to terms with the fact that you can never be a mum in the true sense & it hurts so much when other people (however well meaning) suggest that you adopt or find other ways around the issue. I got so angry with their insensitive comments and got really fed up with trying to explain how tired and drained I felt, plus I wasn't sleeping well & was so stressed. I've had heavy periods for as long as I can remember & thought how pointless my suffering was for all those years.

However, since my op I have been really surprised at my lack of emotions - I've had a couple of days where I've just cried but on the whole I have been fine. I'm sure there will still be times when I feel sad & I do cry sometimes when I read posts from other sisters who are in the same boat. I delayed my op for 5 years then a further 6 months until I felt that I was ready in my head - there comes a time when you know how poor your health is & I realised that I no longer had any quality of life. It sounds like you have got to the point where you have had enough of the pain, but please don't think that you are any less of a woman because you can't have children - and I'm sure that your mother wants you to be fit, healthy and pain-free & does not blame you in any way for not being able to provide her with grandchildren.

If it's any consolation, I felt very negative about life in general 6 months ago & reached my lowest point, but now I really do feel more positive & am looking forward to the point when I'm fully healed & I can begin my new life, without worrying about being anaemic & exhausted and scheduling everything around my monthly cycles. I hope your op goes well next week & that you come out the other side feeling more at peace and able to see your new life taking shape too.

Helen x
Unread 05-23-2006, 04:43 PM
I'm losing it today

Dear Tina:

I read your post, and my heart ached for your pain. Your words brought tears to my eyes. Now please bare with me, as I choose my words carefully, as I do not want to offend, alienate, or assume in any way shape or form of what you are feeling, today tomorrow, or 5 years from now.

It truly is a shame that society places such emphasis on what a " woman" is. If I can share something with you.... The day my husband and I found out that I had to have a hysterectomy.. (TAH with removal of cervix, and left ovarie and fallopian) Now 19 days post op...... due to a tumor on my ovarie and a 3 year battle with severe dysplasia. I left his office in tears. My husband as comforting as he was, didn't bring me any. I spoke with my mother in law ( BIG mistake here) and her exact words to me were" Well, I hope you know that just because of this,..... and the fact that now you're not considered a woman ... try and keep an upper lip" I hung up that phone WAY more depressed than before i phoned. I was like" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" But I AM a woman... in every way possible!!!!!! How could she possibly say this to ME????? I then phoned my best friend in tears and she said the most comforting words to me. Having children, repopulating the world is NOT what makes a woman.
A woman, is capable of loving unconditionally, with compassion, understanding, and a relentless pursuit of LOVE. Tina, life value is not measured by whether or not you are able to concieve a child. ( very soft tone here) Life value is measured by the love you can bring to a child ..........NO..... to this world..... From what you wrote ,..... and the pain i hear in your words..... tells me..... that ANY child ( and yes adopted) would be VERY fortunate to have you as their mother. A MOTHER is someone who WOULD give their life for theirs..... sacrifice anything possible for them.... who would do whatever it takes for them. And that child does not need to grow inside you for that to take place. Tina, you seem to have alot of love for any child. And while I have written..... ( and believe me when I say I pray I have NOT offended you,.... or minimalized the pain you are feeling) I know my words will bring no comfort right now..... But I felt this overwhelming need to respond to you.......

Have you spoken with your Mom about this? No need to answer that question...... again... not trying to offend....... but..... she may know what your feeling..... and be your greatest comfort.

I wish you well Tina, my thoughts will be with you

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Unread 05-23-2006, 04:48 PM
I'm losing it today

I remember feeling that way before my hysterectomy. As I was coming out of my gynecologist's office, a young woman was the waiting area with her newborn. I managed to make it to my car and then I lost it completely.

You will get past this. Get as much support from your family and friends as you can. And be kind to yourself--there is much more to you and you know it.

hugs, snowygrrl
Unread 05-23-2006, 05:53 PM
I'm losing it today

Thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement & support. Annie, no you didn't offend me. I can't believe your mother in law said that to you...HOW AWFUL! I'm sure this will pass. I know in my head I won't be any less of a woman & there are tons of children that I could be a good mother to. In fact, I had pretty much accepted the fact that I won't be having kids 3-4 years ago. I really don't care for the idea of chasing around a rebelious teenager in my 50s. I feel like I'm having some kind of primal (for lack of a better word) reaction, or maybe overreaction, since the surgery is so close. Yes I caught my mom on Mother's Day. She never answers her phone or listens to her messages so it was "Happy Mother's Day, sorry but you won't be having any grandchildren." She is concerned most for my health, but that doesn't erase the lifetime of "when you give me grandchildren...". When I was in my 20s she would even go shopping & actually purchase things for the grandkids that weren't even a consideration for me back then. I don't want to talk to any of my friends because, of course, they all have kids. They can't understand & I might be kinda hateful to them right now. How dare they have children when I have to have a hysterectomy before kids came into my life!!! (sarcastic tone, not serious) Thanks again everyone. It's comforting to know that I'm not the first & won't be the last to experience this grieving process. I hope I'm not this big of a basket case in the hospital when I wake up. At least they have the good drugs, right?
Unread 05-23-2006, 11:30 PM
I'm losing it today

Oh ((Itstime)),
I think you expressed your feelings very well. I can relate to much of what you said. I had many of those same feelings when the initial shock of the hyst was there.....I too could never have children & had to give myself the permission to get everything out in time. I am a firm believer that we can find healing in letting go and just getting all those emotions out there where we can learn to deal with them as you have started to do. I won't promise you that there won't be bumps and some different stages of things you'll go through in the route to healing some of these emotions and feelings that no one should have to go through, but I can promise that there is hope and you will get through this. You'll find lots of supportive and understanding sisters here who will be only happy to cheer you when you need it or to listen when you're down. Sending lots of hugs your way....hang in there!
Unread 05-24-2006, 12:22 AM
I'm losing it today

Itstime, I can totally relate! My mother always made such a fuss over my nephews and buying a house closer to my brother...I used to joke tht she had just decided I wouldn't be having children. We already knew my sister would be unable to bare her own due to medical issues steming from a brain tumor. I used to get REALLY upset about those comments...now it's like well maybe God was just preparing us all for what was to come.

Yes, adoption is a possibility, but at this moment it's not the ONE choice we want! I have a very dear friend (she found this site for me) who had pre-cancerous cells a few years back. She told me what she went through, how they were able to just "freeze" things off and she went on her way. And while on the phone with her all I could think was "she already had 2 kids at that point, I don't have any". Not that I would wish this on her! But it felt so unfair...why is this being taken away from me before I even have the chance??

But at the same time, when these feelings pass, you will understand that all those instincts you spoke of can come out with any child that is brought into your life.
Unread 05-24-2006, 12:46 PM
Your pain is noted

Hello itstime,
As you can see, you are not alone in having the feelings you are experiencing.
Four years for me as of yesterday, and the crying spells have gone away quite a while ago.
There is still the longing of holding a baby I could call my own, but I am blessed with nieces and nephews; as well as students who fulfill my need to passing on somekind of heritage that is just from me.
I know right now no matter what anyone says can take the pain away, but believe that you are surrounded here by compassionate souls who know exactly what you mean, me included.
Take care of yourself as much as you can, and don't hesistate to write anytime you need support.
You have no idea how much these wonderful women helped me in my hour of need.
Unread 05-24-2006, 04:32 PM
I'm losing it today

DMHviolin, thank you! Today, my friend that is going to take care of me ALREADY started in with the "be glad you can't have kids because...", & I cut her off saying "NO, don't go there, I'm not ready yet". She kept trying to respond & continue what she wanted to say & I wouldn't let her. She finally managed to get in "you can't be a failure as a mother." I'm sorry her son won't be graduating high school with his class Sunday, but that's his own fault for being a slacker. I did my best to reassure her that it's not her fault. She knows about my meltdown yesterday & still somehow thought that by pointing out the negatives about kids that it would make me feel better. I could hear that she was about to cry because I didn't want to hear reasons to be happy I can't have kids. I feel bad but HELLOOOOOOOO....at least she has a son.
Unread 05-24-2006, 04:44 PM
I'm losing it today

Just wanted to add my prayers for you at this difficult time. Vent, Vent all you want. It will help and the ladies here are wonderful with support.

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