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Wondering about those of us that never had children and having a Hyst. Wondering about those of us that never had children and having a Hyst.

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Unread 05-26-2006, 08:29 AM
Wondering about those of us that never had children and having a Hyst.

I'm 32 and having a hyst in 2 weeks. I have no natural children, but was able to adopt a baby-she will be three in a month or so. I thought before we had her that being pregnant was so very important. It's not-the baby is, no matter how you come to that baby! Sure, there is grieving, and even I am grieving the fact that I CAN'T have any kids (even thought one is more than enough!). Grieving is natural. Let it come, but know that you will be a great mommy to an adopted baby. Pregnancy has nothing to do with being a great mother! Hugs to you!
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Unread 05-26-2006, 08:33 AM
Wondering about those of us that never had children and having a Hyst.

Hi there - Hope all goes well with the procedure.
I have been blessed with 3 of my own (assisted conception)to my previous partner.
Unfortunately, I was unable to concieve with my now DH - he has none of his own and I have so much guilt both for him and his parents (who have accepted mine as their own) and I would have done almost anything to give him a biological child.
You have to honest with your mum and explain that their is no choice to be made ( in my case It would have been baby or me), that you have no choice and that you need her to support you at this difficult time; you will get through this and you can always adopt.
We all had to work on coming to terms with the fact that I would be unable to concieve again, but thankfully they were all 100% supportive when the time came for my procedure.
( TAH 3 weeks - PCOS/ Cervical CA)
My heart goes out to you - good luck

Jeanette x
Unread 05-26-2006, 09:32 AM
Wondering about those of us that never had children and having a Hyst.

I'm 32 and have tried to conceive for most of my adult life. I have been devastated by being infertile, and I think it's safe to say that people who have had children CAN NOT UNDERSTAND! I think you think you are trying to be supportive, but if you have had a child you can not understand this in any way. You'll never understand the finality that having a hysterectomy brings.

If anyone here is having a difficult time dealing with being childless, I highly suggest finding a supportive online group such as "childless not by choice" or "life can be full." I wouldn't have been able to cope without them.

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Unread 05-26-2006, 10:19 AM
Wondering about those of us that never had children and having a Hyst.

I think that you misunderstood my posting - the support I was trying to convey was in dealing with relatives, their lack of understanding and unintentional selfishness. I have absolutely no wish to do anything but give what support I can.
Yes I have children - after 8 years of trying and crying every month with my period arriving and concieved with assisted conception.
I am not and would not throw motherhood in your face or that of anybody else and am hurt that you could think that.
Your remarks were very hurtful - my DH is younger than me - dearly wants children of his own - the pain is no less for him and I have to carry that pain alongside the guilt I can not concieve for him - or make his parents grandparents in their own right, You see, to them it's the same as for you and yours...
Your comments are short sighted, crass and belittling - I wish only to support and I am sorry you feel so strongly.
Unread 05-26-2006, 10:20 AM
Wondering about those of us that never had children and having a Hyst.


I understand! I am 39, have my "H" on June 2. Never had kids. Never could due to endo plus losing an ovary due to endo and ruptered cyst. I am having the same issues, but it will pass. Some will, but not all of the feelings of loss will pass. You learn to deal with them in a positive way that is good for you!

My husband and I adopted almost three years ago from China. Our daughter is a true blessing. She is a total gift that keeps on giving every day! Adopting is different from being able to birth your own child, but being a family (or a mom) doesn't mean you have to birth a child. Trust me!

You will get through these feelings. We have too! Live is too short and there are too many children that need loving parents all over the world!
Unread 05-26-2006, 10:29 AM
Wondering about those of us that never had children and having a Hyst.

Hi sherisls,

I see we have the same castle date!

My husband and I have already made a commitment to foster older children, and hopefully adopt one of them someday. I have to get well first (have been sick a long time due to undiagnosed bleeding disorder and now my uterus is diseased because of it) and finish up what's left of my nursing school. We truly look forward to having these children in our lives. I'm also a Big Sister to a 12 year-old foster child. She is who inspired us to look at older children.

I feel upset by some of the posts here because, as mothers of natural children often tell me(even knowing I'm infertile and about to have a hyst), you can never understand what being a mother is like until you have a child of your own. THAT is beyond hurtful. I appreciate that moms on this post want to help, but I also want them to know there are support groups for people who can't have "bio kids" because the vast majority of people who we would turn to for support simply do not and will not ever understand the loss of not being able to have children. Now we face fostering (which we will do with glad hearts) with absolutely no guarantees of being able to adopt...to have "our own" (to us any child we had the privelege of caring for would be "our own"). Adoption through other means is not a good option for us. Therefore, our loss is not one people with children could understand. That is my point.
Unread 05-26-2006, 10:44 AM
Wondering about those of us that never had children and having a Hyst.

Moving Forward,

I agree with you most "birthing" mom's do not understand our emotions or sense of loss. My mom is included. She has no clue why I am feeling the way I am even though I have known since 1999 that I could not have kids.

There are so many emotions that play into this: guilt, questions why you were made a girl when you can not give birth, and so many more. But, we women (me included) beat ourselves up so much because we are not perfect or what we perceive as "perfect".

I could write a book about everything that I have been through but have looked back and realized that I let others make me feel the way they expected me to feel. I had to learn that my feelings are not the same and I am not like other people and that IS OK!

Going a little religious, but not everyone's life plan is the same. God may have a different road for us (he sure has for me). There are only a few people in this world that are able to take on other people's children and love them as our own.

I think right now, those of us facing the "H" have so many emotions going on that it is hard to determine exactly what and why we are feeling the way we are. I know that is the way it is with me so I am trying to control some of my outburst, because I am not sure what emotion or feeling is driving at the time.

Anyway, I am so glad you are looking into fostering children. My husband and I have been thinking of the same. We are financially in a pinch because the little girl we adopted had some special needs that ended up being much more than we anticipated. But, I still think about adopting another maybe older maybe younger. Just wanting to get through my surgery and my daughter's last surgery (next year) before considering anything!

Unread 05-26-2006, 12:11 PM
Wondering about those of us that never had children and having a Hyst.

I want to chime in, too. I am 30 and am having my surgery on 6/2. I have been blessed to give birht to 2 children, after infertility treatments. My 2nd daughter passed away at age 25 days. Since that time, we have been unable to conceive, although, we had not given up hope until now.

We are foster parents and we have fostered children from ages birth-14. We were blessed to be given a newborn who's adoption will be final this summer. As a birth mother and an adoptive mother, I can tell you that the love you feel for your children is absoluety no different.

I am very sorry for those of you who long for children and are unable to have them naturally now. But please, don't think that you will never be mothers.

Unread 05-26-2006, 12:20 PM
Wondering about those of us that never had children and having a Hyst.

I am 24 and have no children. I've never been married either. I had my hyst when I was 22. It's been a very difficult, long road for me emotionally. Please know that it will be difficult but time will heal. I hope to adopt a special needs child one day. But it's very hard for me to know that I will never bear my own children. I have many posts on my feelings on this subject. A good place to go is the Aching Hearts forum, which is specifically designed for this issue.
I hope that with time your heart will heal and you will come to accept God's plan for you. I think it will always be with me in some form or another. People who have children have no idea how lucky they are. I've never even had the chance to fathom having a family, as I was diagnosed with severe endo at age 18, and it just got worse from there. Eventually when the cervical precancer was found, I knew that was it. When they opened me up at my hyst, my organs were completely obliterated. So there was never any hope. And now I have to accept that I will never have children. But I know that as time goes by my heart will heal.
I pray that the same thing happens for you.
Love, C
Unread 05-26-2006, 01:47 PM
Wondering about those of us that never had children and having a Hyst.

wpooh, that's funny cuz I told my mom the same thing. She'll just have to settle for grandpuppies & grandkitties. I've always told my dogs "grandma's coming to see you".

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