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Insensitive Reactions from Friends & Family Insensitive Reactions from Friends & Family

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  #21  
Unread 06-01-2006, 06:28 AM
Insensitive Reactions from Friends & Family

Excellent point Rhonda. I can only thank God for my Mom and sister-in-law who had hysterectomies, and especially for the nurse in the hospital who had one only a year ago. I didn't find this site until months after my surgery and was really unprepared, so at least I had a few people who understand. Most of my friends wouldn't even discuss it and I just kept hearing - oh, just like a c-section. No big deal. Yeah, right.
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  #22  
Unread 06-01-2006, 07:48 AM
Insensitive Reactions from Friends & Family

I would not be too hard on the ladies who tell you that "you are so lucky, I wish I could have that done." Because they may be simply stating a fact. I can't tell you how long I have been envious of women who had hysterectomies. We don't know what they are dealing with. They could have issues worse than our own. Now that I have had one, it has not changed a thing about the way I feel. I'm glad I did it, and if I had to go back in time, I'd still be envious of those who have had it done, and I'd do it again.
  #23  
Unread 06-01-2006, 08:22 AM
Insensitive Reactions from Friends & Family

I think most of the time people have good intentions and they're really trying to calm our fears. It's just that sometimes, maybe most times, people's choice of words stinks. Then those very close to us find it difficult to see us suffer. Their reactions are very hurtful because we expect them to be more comforting and understanding. I remember the hurt I felt during my early days of recovery. I watched DH and DD go about their lives like I wasn't even there. I was home alone quite a bit. My brother never called to see how I was doing. I even began imagining the things I would do to get even with them for being so insensitive to me. Needless to say I didn't act on my imagination.

This surgery is very difficult on us physically and emotionally. No one understands how we feel except our Hyster Sisters. All we want is understanding and comfort. This website is the place to get it.

Best wishes and 's

P.S. Rhonda, I don't know either why the big secret. The only thing I can think of is that women don't want to scare other women and thus they resort to silence.
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  #24  
Unread 06-01-2006, 11:57 AM
Insensitive Reactions from Friends & Family

I think sometimes we do ourselves a disserivce by being a superwoman through all the challenges that lead up to getting a hyst. Many people were so surprised that I even needed surgery and I feel like I have to justify just how bad things were. For me anyway, hanging tough and getting through the day has meant that many people I know just don't get why I am having one or understand the long recovery. I have some family members who don't like to hear health "details", and are maybe not as supportive as I'd like. I know I have become more open with my dh just so he has a better idea of what I have been suffering through silently for years. Other posters have commented that until someone has had a hyst, they have no idea that it really is major surgery (not including those who still are insenstive after being through it). I have had some people minimize this and some do this genuinely believing that in this day and age this should be outpatient surgery and a very minor deal.

Hang in tight everyone who is also waiting! This is such an awesome site!
  #25  
Unread 06-01-2006, 12:33 PM
Insensitive Reactions from Friends & Family

While it stinks that some of us are not getting the emotional support and understanding that we need from our friends and family, I am glad to read that I am not the only one this is happening to. I was beginning to believe that maybe I AM a big baby and that I should be moving and doing more than I am.

I had a TAH (left both ovaries) on 5/22---which is 10 days ago. I got the staples out on Friday the 26th. I felt a lot better with them out, so that afternoon I folded some baby clothes (for my to be born any minute grandson) and put a crib set on the baby bed. Just doing that wiped me out for the rest of Friday and all day Saturday.

Saturday evening my DH's sister called (from 250 miles away) and asked if we were driving there on Sunday (which would be 6 days post op for me) to attend the 8th grade graduation cook-out for her son. When my DH stated that I was not going to up for travelling so soon, his sister-WHO JUST HAD A TAH 5 YEARS AGO-said "Oh come on! She's milking this. I went to Wal-Mart on my way home from MY hysterectomy and had to take care of 2 small boys when I got home. The world does not stop just because one has a "minor procedure"!!!"

Well....after the quick straightening out my DH had recieved the day I came home from the Castle (leaving me in the bathroom by myself with the dismissive comment "The best way for you to get better is to start doing things for yourself") he was quick to inform his sister that I had gone thru more than a "minor procedure" and that I was not even able to get up and down from a chair alone yet, or in and out of bed unassisted yet, and that we would NOT be coming to the cook out, regardless of where she went or how she felt after her surgery. Needless to say, that made me proud of him for sticking up for me.

I am lucky in that my very best friend had a TAH last summer, she visited me at the Castle, came to visit me when I got back home, she has called me almost every day to check on me. She also brought me books to read and crossword puzzle books to use. She also is my "guardian Angel" that gets after me for wanting to do too much too soon-and is a good sounding board when I need to ask "detail" questions. My Mom is also very understanding, even though she has not had a hysterectomy.

The rest of the people I have talked to have been along the lines of "Oh, those are almost out patient these days" or "It's no big deal really. You'll be up and around in no time" (this from a guy no less!) and my personal favorite "Well...you should be able to go back to work in a week or so right? I mean, they will give you some pain meds right?" -YEAH! I'm gonna go to work on Darvocet or Vicoden! LOL!

I try to just let the negative stuff roll off me....the only one that really hurt my feelings was when DH's sister said what she did. Of all people, I thought she would be compassionalte and understanding. Guess I was wrong about that. Oh well. I will just pray for her.
  #26  
Unread 06-01-2006, 01:04 PM
Insensitive Reactions from Friends & Family

  Quote:
Originally Posted by Look2Heaven
While it stinks that some of us are not getting the emotional support and understanding that we need from our friends and family, I am glad to read that I am not the only one this is happening to. I was beginning to believe that maybe I AM a big baby and that I should be moving and doing more than I am.

I had a TAH (left both ovaries) on 5/22---which is 10 days ago. I got the staples out on Friday the 26th. I felt a lot better with them out, so that afternoon I folded some baby clothes (for my to be born any minute grandson) and put a crib set on the baby bed. Just doing that wiped me out for the rest of Friday and all day Saturday.

Saturday evening my DH's sister called (from 250 miles away) and asked if we were driving there on Sunday (which would be 6 days post op for me) to attend the 8th grade graduation cook-out for her son. When my DH stated that I was not going to up for travelling so soon, his sister-WHO JUST HAD A TAH 5 YEARS AGO-said "Oh come on! She's milking this. I went to Wal-Mart on my way home from MY hysterectomy and had to take care of 2 small boys when I got home. The world does not stop just because one has a "minor procedure"!!!"

Well....after the quick straightening out my DH had recieved the day I came home from the Castle (leaving me in the bathroom by myself with the dismissive comment "The best way for you to get better is to start doing things for yourself") he was quick to inform his sister that I had gone thru more than a "minor procedure" and that I was not even able to get up and down from a chair alone yet, or in and out of bed unassisted yet, and that we would NOT be coming to the cook out, regardless of where she went or how she felt after her surgery. Needless to say, that made me proud of him for sticking up for me.

I am lucky in that my very best friend had a TAH last summer, she visited me at the Castle, came to visit me when I got back home, she has called me almost every day to check on me. She also brought me books to read and crossword puzzle books to use. She also is my "guardian Angel" that gets after me for wanting to do too much too soon-and is a good sounding board when I need to ask "detail" questions. My Mom is also very understanding, even though she has not had a hysterectomy.

The rest of the people I have talked to have been along the lines of "Oh, those are almost out patient these days" or "It's no big deal really. You'll be up and around in no time" (this from a guy no less!) and my personal favorite "Well...you should be able to go back to work in a week or so right? I mean, they will give you some pain meds right?" -YEAH! I'm gonna go to work on Darvocet or Vicoden! LOL!

I try to just let the negative stuff roll off me....the only one that really hurt my feelings was when DH's sister said what she did. Of all people, I thought she would be compassionalte and understanding. Guess I was wrong about that. Oh well. I will just pray for her.

I am so sorry that she was so insensitive to you.
My opinion? She's lyin'. My theory is that she may not have gotten the support she needed during her recovery and is still a little peeved about it. Maybe she did go to Wal mart after the surgery, to pick up her pain meds...and she may also have taken care of two kids, but I doubt she felt great about it. As a matter of fact, I am pretty sure she was Peeved about it then as well. She's jealous that you are getting pampered and she wants to be a princess,too. Tell her to mind her own, then, go give your DH a great big SMOOCH! What a man....I mean, Knight in shining armor!
  #27  
Unread 06-01-2006, 01:50 PM
Insensitive Reactions from Friends & Family

I, too, am appalled at how people behave regarding getting a hyst. I now live with dh a whole state away from friends and family. His mother said she would take care of me after surgery. I go in tomorrow - yesterday she changed her mind (she's mad because her little boy isn't mama's little bachelor anymore) and said she doesn't have time. She said she'll bring me whatever she has made and I better eat it (I wouldn't expect her to make a different dinner for me!) and I better not use my Lazy-Boy (dh bought it for ME for SURGERY) because she doesn't want to have to run over (she lives across the driveway) and put the feet up or down for me. She won't help me across the room if I need it, and said since she was baling hay two days after giving birth, and her mom took less time to recover from having a tumor removed, I can just get over it. This is a little scary for me as I don't know who else to rely on. I think she's hateful. Funny thing is, I'm expected to take care of her when she's older. I love doing that - I'm in the health care field because I like it - and I'll take very good care of her. But I don't understand this.
YUCK!
  #28  
Unread 06-01-2006, 01:58 PM
Insensitive Reactions from Friends & Family

OOOOOOH! let me at her! Let me at her!

I know that some women have wonderful relationships with their mils, but let me tell you something...I've got two of them. well, technically one (that I live with) is the grand mil and the other (3000 miles away) is the actual mil. They both claim to have raised my DH single handedly (yah, doesn't make sense to me either), but blame eachother for anything thats wrong with him (and according to the far away one, thats alot). Welcome to crazyville.

My advice to you is this....

Don't share too much info from her. Don't expect too much from her. Accept the fact that she is bitter and rude and just deal with it. I am assuming that
DH hasn't agreed to pretending like she doesn't exist (my DH won't let me do that either). So, don't aske her opinions on things. Talk about surface topics. Just understand that ANY woman is a threat to her. You will probably never please her. I accepted that along time ago. I have a very cordial relationship with my mil now. (Used to be FIREWORKS!!!) But, i decided it was not worth it anymore. I used up all of my energy hating her, all of my time bi*&%ing to DH about her, and all of my xanax trying to relax around her. Just take whatever help she wants to offer, have someone else take a bite of any prepared food she brings over (you know, just in case) and BE A PRINCESS. it doesn't matter what she thinks, it isn't her uterus.
Take care of you, tell DH what you need, call a good friend...but do not let this woman destroy your healing process. If you want to scream at her, come scream here...it will only make her happy if you snap on her. Trust me. she'll have family gossip to chew on for years...been there, done that.
  #29  
Unread 06-01-2006, 02:14 PM
Insensitive Reactions from Friends & Family

movingforward - just want to say best wishes to you tomorrow - sending a prayer and good thoughts your way. I have a horrible mil too, and after 16 years have finally decided not to waste my energy being upset by her nasty comments and uncaring attitude. We're here for you, and you just need to take care of yourself now.
  #30  
Unread 06-01-2006, 02:19 PM
Insensitive Reactions from Friends & Family


OMG I cannot believe some of the remarks people make. I had no choice in my surgery - NONE! It was life or death here. I found out after 2 days of severe pain that I had a ruptured cyst and necrotic torsed ovary on right side, dermoid on left and fibroid on uterus. Oh and the ruptured cyst was bleading out so I was in surgery 2 days later. Had to take everything. I never had bad periods - they were always a cake walk for me. I mean I could wear a tampon for 24 hours and not overflow. (sorry if TMI) Then after the surgery an aquaintance said "oh I had one and it's the best thing I ever did". I was like - YOU HAD A CHOICE?
And my father commented 2 weeks post-op when he found out I was still recouperating "oh I didn't know it was that serious". What the heck did you think I was doing dad, getting a tooth pulled? Of course he made my mom go back to work 1 week after having my brother and she almost bled to death so we won't even go there....
OH MAN - sorry to vent but I had no idea this really did bother me.
I have no insurance so this has set us back $24,000 to boot. SO NO I would never had CHOSEN this and it is only a positive thing for me in that it SAVED MY LIFE!
People have no concept what we are facing or what we go through. Even some women who have had this surgery.
My husband was in tears for 3 days thinking I may not make it and the prospect of cancer - well that was terrifying!
So when I do tell people what happened, I tell them I had to have a tumor removed. Just that word alone shuts them up!
Well thanks for letting me vent and just remember - YOU and ONLY YOU know your pain and YOU are what is important not what small minded people think!
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