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Unread 06-04-2006, 03:43 PM

I turned 27 yesterday. My surgery is a week away. Whiel I know that everyone still loves me for who I am, I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that someday i will have to tell a man that we can never have children, and it is because I made this choice. I *know* it is important for me to be healthy and out of pain, but right now I am thinking of myself as terribly selfish. (I mean, I've put up with this for 10 years; will he hate me in the future for not having waited another 10?) It sounds stupid, so it's not something I've said to anyone, but it burns a hole right through me.

Am I selfish? Is it fair to expect a man to give up having biological children of his own? Is the pain just a necessary sacrifice to join the ranks of motherhood? I can't even ask my mom; how can she understand when she had 3 of us by my age? I feel so barren, and so alone.
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Unread 06-04-2006, 05:06 PM

Originally Posted by warmaiden
Is it fair to expect a man to give up having biological children of his own?
Warmaiden, of course you are not selfish. You might be surprised at the number of men who don't desire having biological childen, for any number of reasons...for example, they already have all that they want, they don't want the responsibilty of parenting, etc. Don't view your reproductive status as a liability, because it might be totally acceptable and even preferable for some of the potential partners you meet.

Many s and Best Wishes,
Unread 06-04-2006, 07:54 PM

Oh Warmaiden,
Please don't view yourself as selfish at all. This is not a choice you are making lightly as it is about your living a more full life free of pain. But, I know that it is a hard thing to really grasp. I too had my hyst before I was able to have any children. My DH married me knowing I had serious problems and that I would more than likely have a hyst in the very near future. I think we just have to give ourselves the permission to grieve and go through these emotions. It is really so much better to just get them out in the open, even if they are truly hard to deal with. I know it's not easy, but it is something that we can do with time . You are still just as much of a person after the hyst as you were before, so don't sell yourself short. I am sending hugs to you, I know this is not an easy road to go down, but you'll find plenty of caring and supportive women here. Many sisters here have gone down that road and will be there to pick you up when you need it. Hang in there!
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Unread 06-05-2006, 03:42 PM

Thank you all for the kind words during my tough time I really do appreciate it. Hugs to all,,
Unread 06-05-2006, 05:33 PM

Warmaiden Please Don't Think Of Yourself As Selfish Pain Is Not Normal It Is Your Body's Way Of Letting You Know That There Is Something Wrong. I Just Want You To Know That There Are Men Out There That Don't Care If You Can Have Childern Are Not . My Love Of My Life Says He Loves Me Not My Ability To Have Him A Child . Hang In There I Am Sending You A Hug You Need It.
Unread 06-06-2006, 02:31 PM

Another voice chiming in :twocents:

You are not being selfish; I won't lie, some men will feel biological children are a requirement. Others are just the opposite. Everyone's got a few 'deal breakers' they feel passionately about, be it politics, religion, children, finances, etc.

Your ultimate 'responsibility' is to yourself - and achieving a better quality of life is never selfish. Pain is a deadly and underestimated assassin of joy. Imagine what you could do with all the energy that goes into dealing with the pain, the possibilities are only as limited as your imagination.

Hang in there. Remember, you've lots of people rooting for you!
Unread 06-06-2006, 03:09 PM
No...and you brought up an important issue....

While my post just questioned my children-or-not choice, I also regret the years of suffering/loss of my youth that my menstrual problems caused. A life in pain is not much of a life at all. Thank g-d there is pain management now and that women's pain is being taken more seriously by a growing number of doctors. (See,, etc.)

But pain management, though a necessity for many, is also a difficult life choice. I would never dream of suing the drug manufacturers as many people have when going through the struggle of coming off treatment - I want that option to be safe and legal for legitimate sufferers - but stopping these super-strong meds is not an easy thing even if you're not mentally addicted. Physical dependence is also truly tough to recover from.

It's worth repeating: You can only do the best you can with what you know and who you are at the time. I wish you all the best; be secure in the knowledge that you are NOT selfish. Our bodies have what my DH calls "design flaws;" nature is not always kind or benign, just turn on the animal channel for proof!

((HUGS)) and best wishes,

Unread 06-07-2006, 10:35 PM

I'm sorry for what you're facing at such a young age but I don't think you're being selfish for putting your health first. I didn't have a choice about my surgery so I didn't struggle with the decision. I can relate when you say your mom wouldn't understand because she had three...mine had six! Just remember you're not alone & that you can find support here whenever you feel the need. I wish you all the best.
Unread 06-07-2006, 10:45 PM

This day and age dont feel selfish because of that. I am 36 and never been married and I have found in my many years of dating... there alot of men out there that either do NOT want children, have children already and dont want more... or wish to meet someone without children. I have a DD, however my past two relationships with men that didnt have kids and didnt want any.. in which i knew i didnt want any more.. it broke us apart.. because he didnt want any of his own, i also realized he didnt want any of anyone elses either!!
Your health and happiness will be far more enjoyable to another by the right decision then by the wrong one for the wrong reasons.
And, if you meet a man that does, I have two friends at work that have adopted the past few years. One couple opted to adopt vs. having one of their own for the loving reason of kids today that need homes. Love comes in all aspects and is measured differently......
Cheer up and not think about the could be, would be, or should be. think about the right now and how happy you are 'going' to be!
Love and Hugs,
Unread 06-08-2006, 07:40 PM

Dear Mary Jo,
I personally don't think you are being selfish, I too suffered since I was in my late teens, the doctors basically told me to hurry up and have my children and have a hysterectomy. At that time in my life I felt that I couldn't live without having children. I endured 17 more years of constant pain. I eventually had two children but it was a long hard road. I will tell you this you have to do this for yourself and nobody else. When you do meet the right guy who is loving and caring, and you want children there are soooo many kids who need a good and loving home. That door is open and available. I too almost travelled that root due to unforseen problems
I wish you the best of luck with your decision, I wish I had made mine sooner. It's Over

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