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Oh my gosh, what have I done? (babies mentioned) Oh my gosh, what have I done? (babies mentioned)

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Unread 08-10-2006, 12:04 AM
Oh my gosh, what have I done? (babies mentioned)

I posted my introduction earlier this week, I think. I am still trying to figure out how to work this site so forgive me if I have this in the wrong place or something.

I have four beautiful children. DH and I knew this last one was our last one. I did not ever want to be pregnant again..it was a long, rough pregnancy.

So when my baby was four months old everything fell apart. I thought I started what was my first period and it was just terrible. I had blood pouring out of me and passing clots the size of cantalops...and the pain was almost to much at times. I had almost the same thing happen after my third child but a D&C took care of it and all was good. Not so lucky this time. We tried that again and it made the bleeding worse and I had to go the the ER and spend the night in the hospital. My doc did my hystrectomy five days later.

I am two weeks post op and I am having a very hard time with this never being able to have kids again. Did I mention I have four and knew the last one was sooo it for me?!ha I never ever expected this. I thought I would be walking on air at the thought of no more kids or ever having to worry about the oops baby, but that is not the case. Is this just part of it? Just a process that one goes thru? I welcome no more pain, bleeding or birth control...so why am I so upset that I can't ever had kids?

I hate the fact that I can't do things for myself. I am bored and frustrated all the time. I am worried about my sex life and wheather or not I will ever have one. I feel like I am not a woman anymore bcs I can no longer have kids. This is just really catching me off guard. I never thought I would give the ol uterus a second thought. But these sudden and unexpected bouts of crying over a body part I have used and abused...don't know what to do with them.

Thanks for listening. I apologize for going on. I just have no one my age that would ever understand this and how I am feeling.

Take care,
Mary Ann
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Unread 08-10-2006, 12:19 AM
Oh my gosh, what have I done? (babies mentioned)

Hi Mary Ann. I am sorry for all you are going thru. For myself it's a bit different... I have no children and am dealing with the fact that I indeed, never will. So I can identify with your feelings. I don't think that, just because you have children, you would not or should not feel the way you do... I believe it is perfectly natural! In addition, your hormones are going wild... they have lots of reasons to be: the surgery, recent child birth.

Please, be gentle with yourself. Know that all you are feeling and the feelings to come are all NATURAL and NORMAL. Validate yourself... tell yourself it's ok to feel the way you do. Cause it is.

If you need it, get counseling and / or meds. And be patient with yourself. And remember, no matter how you "feel", "know" that in time, it will get better!

Be blessed!
Unread 08-10-2006, 12:41 AM
Oh my gosh, what have I done? (babies mentioned)

My mom went through a time like this after her hyst too. However, it passed. I think the shock of losing a body part plus all the hormonal upheaval doesn't help.

Of course you are still a woman. Our reproductive function does not define us. If you continue to feel bad, then yes by all means go for counseling rather than trying to cope on your own.
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Unread 08-10-2006, 01:02 AM
Oh my gosh, what have I done? (babies mentioned)

I am sorry that you're having such a rough time dealing with this. I know the feelings that you're speaking of, I felt them (to some degree, although briefly) as well. I have two children and after the second was born, my husband and I were sure that we were done. When my daughter was 9 weeks old, I was diagnosed with cancer and the decision was basically made for me - I had a radical hysterectomy when she was 3 1/2 months old. And even though we were *sure* that we were done having children, I still went through a period of grieving. I think it might have been because I didn't really get a say in the whole thing, and because it happened so soon after the birth, and maybe because of my age (I was 29)... who knows.

I hope that it isn't too personal of a question (and I apologize if it is), but did you keep your ovaries? I ask because it's possible that your hormones are adding to the grief that you're feeling, if that's the case. I agree that if you continue to find it difficult to cope, talk to someone. A doctor might be able to help you to deal with all of this.

Things will get better. You will heal. Life *will* normalize again. It doesn't seem so right now, but it will. Just give it time.
Unread 08-10-2006, 07:40 AM
Oh my gosh, what have I done? (babies mentioned)

I think it's perfectly normal to grieve the passage of that time of your life. I have three and although I had almost 5 years to get used to the idea, it really was hard. There is no way on this earth I would ever want to be pregnant again. I have the worst pregnancies and they only got worse. It still bothered me that I couldn't. After my last baby was born, I just kept bleeding and bleeding and they couldn't stop it. Thankfully they didn't have to resort to a hysterectomy then. Even though I knew I was doing it in a few months, I needed that time. You didn't have that time. Don't worry, you are still a woman - just a happier woman because you don't have to worry about maxipads and Midol. Give yourself time to grieve - it will get better.
Unread 08-10-2006, 08:49 AM
Oh my gosh, what have I done? (babies mentioned)

It's okay. Most of us have scheduled a hysterectomy a few months in advance. (Doesn't make it easier but it's factual). You didn't get that time to come to terms with what was going to happen. In addition, it's okay to grieve. It's a natural response. It's good to recognize what is happening emotionally and deal with it, seek counseling if you have to but remember, like someone has already said, a body part does not define who you are, whether or not you have or have ever had the ability to have children. It's a lot to deal with. I had four months, which is still not a long time, and I still had a hard time at the moment of truth so it's okay. Be good to yourself.
Unread 08-10-2006, 09:28 AM
Oh my gosh, what have I done? (babies mentioned)

Four days before my surgery I was about to cancel but then I was reminded very painfully why I need to go through with it. I was getting to the point where I could not function and the pain was driving me insane. I have two children - boy and girl and I so badly wanted to have another one. However, we wanted to wait a few years to have the 3rd baby but I just knew I could not put myself or family through the ups and down of my pain and problems. I have been a terrible mother, wife, daughter and friend because of the emotional and painful roller coaster ride that I have been on for the past two years. I thought that I thought that I would be more emotional about the process. As I said I wanted to have a 3rd child and I just kept thinking god gave me these parts and should I remove them, would I feel better and is it worth going through all this, what if I still had these same pains and such. I have had a few times that I have thought why did I do this and I have regretted it but then I think I have two beautiful children and I should be thankful for what I have and not wish for those things I cannot have. I know that sometimes it is so hard to look for positives but you have got to try. Hopefully, you can be get passed this and feel better soon. Ever since my father committed suicide when I was 18 - I decided no matter what you are going through you have to look for the good and you have to know that for everything bad happens there is something that is good that can come out of it. Otherwise, you will have difficulty getting past it. You also have to take care of yourself!!!
Unread 08-10-2006, 09:54 AM
Oh Honey

I did this very same thing after I got back from surgery and I have not been able to have children for a very long time already. I had a tubuligation when my last was born and still I mourned my uterus. I don't know why and I think it was just my body getting settled back in with hormones or lack of or whatever was going on. I had bouts of crying over this same thing. One minute I was ok and then I would get tired or bored or uncomfortable and the tears would just come and come uncontrolably and then I would actually feel better until the next time. It will get better for you. It did for me. I don't have the crying jags or the missing the uterus thing anymore. Actually I am feeling pretty good.
Unread 08-10-2006, 09:56 AM
Oh my gosh, what have I done? (babies mentioned)

Hi Mary Ann, My name's Diane and I live in the UK.
I'm almost 4 weeks post op. I have no children, and have never really and truly wanted them, apart from a brief period when I was in my twenties; and for the last 18 months have suffered from almost continuous bleeding, at times very heavy. I had to be admitted to hospital three times and had two transfusions. The final collapse I had was a week before my op was due, and I lost almost 4 pints of blood (they knew roughly how much cos I'd only had a blood test a few days before).
I'm so glad that I won't have those problems ever again, and also I can start building up my blood count to a decent level once again. I'm a postwoman and have just felt so tired for the last year or so.

However, despite all this, I still keep having flashes of, how can I say it, not regret as such, but a sort of pull of sadness inside now that I know I can't have a child of my own. Its probably just a case of 'you always want what you can't have' maybe. I woke up from my nap today having dreamt I was pregnant with 1 week to go before giving birth, and when I woke I thought "but how can I be having a baby when I haven't got a womb?". It's just so weird, as even if I could turn back the clock I still don't think I'd want to actually go ahead and have a baby.

After this sort of op, your hormones are all over the place. Even if you kept your ovaries, there's no guarantee that they will be fully functional for a while, and this is probably what's happening with many of us right now. It's not until after the op that the realisation hits you that a major part of your internal anatomy has been removed, and although it's been a major pain and inconvenience for us for a long time, I think it must be natural to miss it when it's gone. But please, please don't think this makes you any less of a woman. We spend our lives telling blokes that there's more to a woman than what's between her legs, don't we? So let's start telling that to ourselves too!!! Our womb is just there to perform a function, and you must admit, yours has performed it admirably having had four children.

I too am worried about the sex side of things, but I intend to try once my six weeks are up. I know from past experience that it's easy to slip almost into celibacy if you don't do it very often, (the less you have the less you want and vice versa - like chocolate) and I'm hoping that now I've got rid of the thing that was causing me so much grief I'll feel better and more energetic and that can only be a good thing.
If you're worried about not feeling sexy enough, why not think about how much money your sanitary stuff used to cost every year, and then go out and blow that amount on something gorgeous and frilly, with underwear to match (knickers optional of course, now - no more sad pants for us!).

I'm sure that these feelings of uselessness will pass - I think we all have them from time to time, op or no op. In another couple of weeks, you'll probably be having to hold yourself back from doing too much - my DH keeps telling me off cos i keep forgetting not to lift things (being a postie, I've spend the last 7 years hauling heavy mailbags up and down the hills where we live so to me, lifting a kettle of water seems nothing but I do try to do as I'm told - usually)! It IS boring and frustrating at times, but have you got any daft little jobs you always meant to do, like sorting out photos & negatives into order, making a list of clothes you need but always forget to buy, and clothes you dont need but always buy several of? (I love to buy jeans and trousers, but have hardly any tops to wear with them!). Do you have any sewing and mending to do, or CD collection to organise. I teach bellydance part time, and I am in the process of listening to every single track in my collection of dancing music, and noting how long the track lasts, what its like, whether I like it or not, and whether I want to write a choreography for it. Yes, it is doing my head in a bit.
You will get good days and bad days, yesterday was a good day, I did some cooking, housework, went for a good walk etc., but today I slept till midday and now, four hours later, am still not dressed, and am aching a bit down below which is the first pain I have had since the day after my op. But I've just put me feet up for the day, and no doubt tomorrow I will be buzzing again.

I've wittered on a bit, but I just want you to know that you're not on your own feeling like this, and that there is always a friendly, sympathetic ear on this site. This is actually my first post on this site but I felt that you were feeling similar to myself, and I wanted to help. So put yer feet up, let the kids and DH run around after you for a bit, and try and take advantage of what little rest you are likely to get with four children. They may even enjoy 'looking after mommy' for a while!
Good luck with your recovery.
Unread 08-10-2006, 10:01 AM
Oh my gosh, what have I done? (babies mentioned)

I felt the same way. I even told me best friend that there was no different between me and a guy just that they don't have to sit down and pee. What you are feeling is normal I think. I have one child and was not planning on having any more but I still cry over it sometimes. And it is OK to feel upset or to cry. For me it is starting to getting a little better.

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