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Should I tell my mother? Should I tell my mother?

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  #1  
Unread 10-09-2006, 03:07 PM
Should I tell my mother?

Due to many reasons, I really do not want my mother at the hospital when I have surgery. I still blame her for what happened to me as a child and her not being there emotionally for me when I needed her while I was a teenager and even now. Suddenly, in the last couple of years, she has decided that she wants to be my best friend. This absolutely drives me crazy, I needed her to be a mother, not to try and be my best friend.

My sister told me that she feels that I will cause more harm than good if I do not tell mother until after the surgery. She thinks that mother will be hurt, depressed and feel like she failed as a mother (news flash - she DID!). A friend thinks I should tell her and then say I do not want her at the hospital during surgery/recovery. I really do not think this will work.

Any input / advise / suggestions out there? Those of you that are mothers, how would you feel if your daughter did not tell you until afterwards?

Shelby
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  #2  
Unread 10-09-2006, 03:15 PM
Should I tell my mother?

I would be devastated if my DD didn't tell me about any surgery where she was to be anesthetized. After all, there are those risks that none of us likes to think about. I can't imagine getting a call to say something bad had happened and not having even known she was going under.

As for telling my own mom, she obsesses and can drive me to the brink sometimes. But I am in charge of my own existence and I don't let what she says get in my way. Mind you, I am very respectful and love her more than words can express.

You mentioned blame. I have had my share of situations in life where I could punish myself with hate and blame. But it's a negative emotion that I just don't care to occupy my time with. I am pretty quick to come to terms/make amends and move on. Guess a few years of counselling really did me good!

Best wishes to you as you go down this journey ~
  #3  
Unread 10-09-2006, 03:33 PM
Should I tell my mother?

Here's a refreshing perspective. I was as good a mother as I could be - given my complex life. But I tell my story from my perceptions; not the experiences of my 3 little girls. In many ways I did not protect them as best a parent should and for that I feel terrible; and for that I offer you understanding and compassion. I ask you Who WILL be there for you? A friend? A woman friend. A spouse? A fella? A partner? Someone should be there to reach for your glass of water, offer to rub your arm. Love you. Don't use this time to challenge your mom's failed parenting but tell her you have support (if you do) and don't want a circus IN the hospital. You are now an adult and can tell Mom how it is going to be without guilt or judgment or shame or anger. (Well I wish you this strength to do so.) I am to have a LAVH on 10/30. I am 63. My youngest daughter is coming to stay with me for a week. I am asking the other 2 daughters to NOT come to the hospital unless they must for themselves. I only plan to be there 1 night and 1/2 day. I plan to have a nice luncheon with them Sat. or Sun before the surgery. You know: With a LAVH at best you are only IN for 2 days. I hope to keep in touch. I support you 100% and encourage you to do what's best for YOU but not from a punishing place. Much affection, MargieClare
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  #4  
Unread 10-09-2006, 03:46 PM
Should I tell my mother?

Gordonk,
Thanks for your input. You are always so wonderful about replying and offering encouragement to all of the sisters here.

As for the blame, I was molested for years as a child. My mother was told that this would happen and chose to ignore the warning and the signs of what was happening. For years I kept the memories repressed and when they came pouring out, they were ignored. Now, this is all a "dirty" family secret that is to be swept under the rug and never mentioned. She acts like nothing ever happened and if I mention it then she is the one that was wronged.

I have gone through some counselling, but did not feel like I was getting any help. Last spring, I lost the one person I felt could help me come to terms with all of my issues from my past and who could hopefully answer some of my questions.

Hopefully after my surgery, my emotions will level back out to normal and then I can try counselling again.

Shelby
  #5  
Unread 10-09-2006, 03:57 PM
Should I tell my mother?

Thanks MargieClare for your perspective. My best friend will be taking me to the hospital and will be there during surgery. Another friend will be there that afternoon. My mother tends to ignore things that I ask her to do and does what she wants. I am really torn on what to do. The little girl inside wants "mommy" to take care of things even though she never has. The adult me does not want the drama and martyr syndrome that I know mother will bring.

It is wierd how much this surgery is bringing out. I guess I really need to sit down and evaluate my life.

I'll keep you in my prayers for an uneventful surgery and a speedy, pain-free recovery.

Shelby
  #6  
Unread 10-09-2006, 04:02 PM
Should I tell my mother?

Well, I think you have a bigger question here and the "being there or not" for surgery thing is really secondary. I think at a certain time, you need to make peace for your sake with your life and the relationships in it. You need to decide if you want your mother in your life or not. I know it's way easier said than done, but in reality that is your choice. To sit in a somewhat limbo just keeps punishing you both and the relationship can never grow. Have you told her how you feel? Sometimes it is best to get it out and see her reaction. Then decide how and if she should be a part of your life. If you decide to keep a relationship with her, then you should tell her of your surgery and maybe ask her to do this or that (check the mail, water the plants, watch the dog etc.). This way she will feel needed but not be on top of you. I'm sorry you had such a hard time growing up. We look to our parents to protect us as children and when they fail because of their own weaknesses and issues, it is crushing. But, you can get through it if she owns up to her part and you let go of the pain. My heart goes out to you. Make a decision for yourself though at this point. You need to be selfish when it comes to who cares for you during surgery.
Tricia
  #7  
Unread 10-09-2006, 04:10 PM
Should I tell my mother?

Hi Srk,

I think you should tell your Mother. I feel life is too short not to forgive.. we don't necessarily have to forget, but we should forgive. I don't know what you Mother did that hurt you, but it sounds to me like she is trying to be there now. There is nothing wrong with a mother/daughter being best friends. Maybe this could be a new beginning for you both? I lost my Mom 15 yrs ago...treasure that you do still have her. She may have hurt you, but she is still your Mother and has a right to know. Have a good heart to heart talk with her...maybe there is a situation you're unaware of that she would admit to you or something..like I said I don't know the situation.

Life is short..try to make amends with your Mom...at least she is trying to be there now. Give it a chance. Hope you don't mind what I have said here. I just feel it would give you more emotional healing to forgive and then move on and make a new life for you and Mom, and put the past in the past and move on to a brighter future together.

Hugs, love and prayers!

Good luck in whatever you decide.
  #8  
Unread 10-09-2006, 04:12 PM
Should I tell my mother?

I am sorry you are dealing with all these emotions at this time. Having been molested as a young teen, and having it swept under the rug by my mom, I understand to a degree your pain and feelings.

I have chosen to have a relationship with my mother (mine was a one time incident so not the same scenerio as you are facing but it did affect me tremendously and I still deal with it on occassion) and I did ask her to be with me, along with my husband, at the time of my surgery. As there is a possiblity of death any time you have a surgery, I tried to settle anything I could prior to my surgery. That is what was best for me and what I felt I should do. And since I did have complications, and even though I had the LAVH I was in the hospital for 10 days, I was glad I had made the decision I did.

You have to do what you feel is best for you. I am sending you many s as you decide how to deal with this situation.

in there and many best wishes to you for your upcoming surgery. And counseling does sound like a good option for you when you are able to go.
  #9  
Unread 10-09-2006, 06:10 PM
Should I tell my mother?

Shelby,
Now is the time for you to do what is best for you. You will be going thru enough. If your Mom is not a comfort to you then you should not tell her. Take care of yourself and deal with the other issues when you are feeling better.
Be well...
Zia
  #10  
Unread 10-09-2006, 06:33 PM
Should I tell my mother?

Tricia,
Thanks for the support. I do have a huge decision to make as to if I want her in my life and if so, to what extent. As far as talking to her, she refuses. When I push the issue, father tells me I am killing her. A few years ago I put over an hours distance between us, which helps some.

SisterAngel,
You are an angel. You are so supportive to all of the sisters. I have tried to find it in my heart to forgive her, but have not been able to. She refuses to admit she has done anything wrong. I lost the person I felt who could help me bring closure. The only other person who could help is dealing with a loss so deep I do not want to trouble her. Mother knows I am having surgery, I just have not told her when yet (I've been dodging the subject). I am sorry that you lost your mother. I know it is hard to lose someone you love with all of your heart.

Weiser,
Thanks. Advise from someone who has dealt with a similar situation is invaluable. I was planning on settling everything before the surgery, but this year has been a horrible free-fall. I really do not believe that emotionally I could deal with talking to her on anything other than a superficial level right now. I am glad that you were able to work things out with your mother. That does give me some hope.

s to all of you. You are all wonderful women and I appreciate everyone's input and support.

Shelby
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