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Scared, happy, relieved, scared... Scared, happy, relieved, scared...

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Unread 10-13-2006, 07:02 PM
Scared, happy, relieved, scared...

I have (finally) been scheduled for my LAVH. Been having abnormal bleeding with no apparant cause for 4 I'm terrified. And happy. And relieved that it's only 3 weeks away.

I also feel like I'm losing a part of me, of what makes me feminine. I don't have children & have never wanted any of my own....I adore my niece, nephew, and all my friends children - it's just not for me. So why then do I feel "at a loss" about losing that particular part of my anatomy?!? This part is very frustrating for me.

Just needed to vent - this board thing is new for me....

Thanks for "listening"!
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Unread 10-13-2006, 07:16 PM
Scared, happy, relieved, scared...

Hi there! You are going to go through so many emotions and have such random and unexpected thoughts as your surgery gets closer and when you come out the other side.

My children are 22 and almost 19. My 19 year old and I fight like crazy! She hates me and it is hard to love her sometimes because of it. I had awful periods, chronic pelvic pain, rupturing cysts, you name it! I couldn't wait to get this over and done with and tried to have it all taken care of last year but the doctor I was seeing then refused. Got someone I trust this time and he knew things were not good in there and cleaned it up. You would think I would be ecstatic! I was until two days ago when in the middle of a conversation, totally unexpected for him and me too I blurted out and started blubbering about the "essence of what makes me a woman is gone! I don't know what I am anymore....blah blah blah....." I went on like this for about an hour. He finally had to leave for work and I just sat here like a dork trying to figure out just what my issue was. And I did....its just hormones and a woman being a woman. I won't apologize for any of my behavior right now, anything I say or do, how I feel, none of it. We don't have control and it doesn't give us the green light to be mean to others but it happens and those who truly know us and love us know it is out of character and will pass. It really does pass Ramona. It also helped when I stood in front of a mirror and gave myself a really good looking over. Sure there are a few scars from the surgeries, but I still have those womanly hips, my Polish booty, my little tiny boobers (wish implants were cheaper! lol), my blue gray eyes, long hair, pretty smile......I couldn't see the uterus and ovaries missing when I looked in that mirror and I'm definitely still a woman. I really hope to be a better woman in the end for all of this.

Hang in there. There is always a sister here with a hand out if you need one to hold.
Unread 10-13-2006, 08:16 PM
Crack Myself Up

This is to all my sisters but especially to MSkayjay. Your recent post touched me deeply. Profoundly. I've only recently read your replies but this one about the roller coaster emotional ride on the road to the castle was just beautiful. Poetic and empowering. Waiting for October 30th I've gotten into bed dressed in a business suit and startched shirt, with shoes on and sobbed and sobbed. I've been angry, surprised at my own voice's rage and I love myself for owning it all. Yesterday I read my bio to see if I needed to redefine me or add to who I say I am here ~ and decided to choose an Avatar to go with my tag. (A name I've not been called since I am 8 years old)...I selected a pair of slutty, hooker high heels. Everytime I see the cartoon shoe and think about what's about to occur, I crack myself up. This site has informed me, encouraged me, prepared me and given me a great community, something no other life experience has afforded. Write it all down, experience it all, live, love and laugh, laugh, laugh. MargieClare
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Unread 10-13-2006, 11:12 PM
Scared, happy, relieved, scared...

Thanks for the support, mskayjay! I had a doctor that kept telling me I was too young for a hysterectomy - and didn't even test for anything other than the regular pap I have a much more understanding doc/nurse - and hubby! I've had a really rough day today - crying for no reason (okay, maybe it's because I couldn't find the right dogfood at the grocery earlier). I know intellectually that it's rediculous - but those emotions kick my butt sometimes. My hubby just hugs me & asks if there's anything he can do. He's wonderful, but it's not the same as a womans point of view, or support.

Thank you again - I know we'll all get thru this....going to be a fun ride!
Unread 10-13-2006, 11:28 PM
Scared, happy, relieved, scared...

K is so right about what makes us women. When I first logged on here a while back, another sister said something similar to the effect that nobody looks at me and can see my utuerus is gone... they judge that I am female by my external persona. She went on to say how she walks, and how she wears her hair, how she hums, and how she paints her toes. It was so sweet and so true.

As for the emotional attachment to my own uterus, I was sad to see her and her friend Ms Cervix go. But she'd presented me with the 2 children I wanted and now was causing me lots of trouble. I did want to see her though. Desperately. I have 2 glossy pics my doctor prince charming took for me. They are incredible. Absolutely incredible. I've often said that she feels like a friend of mine rather than an organ. I can see by the pics that she was suffering terrible. She'd adhered to the bladder and has all sorts of raw spots from where she was cut away. And Ms Cervix -- what a interesting thing she was. I am probably perverse by many standards, and these photos do look gnarly, but they are me, they were mine, and it helped me move past the mourning stage.

Best wishes ~
Unread 10-13-2006, 11:34 PM
Scared, happy, relieved, scared...

Wow, I never thought of asking for pics of them! I think I'll do that too! And look in the mirror and remind myself that no one can tell two of my good friends have departed.

What a wonderful support group this is turning out to be!

Love and light to you all!
Unread 10-14-2006, 07:42 AM
Scared, happy, relieved, scared...

It wasn't clear to me whether you want a hysterectomy? It's a great thing if you absolutely want one or require one. Did anyone suggest putting you on prometrium for the bleeding and moods? A friend of mine swears by it.
As for your femininity being tied to your reproductive organs, this is how you feel and, sad to say, no one but you can choose to see it another way. I hope you have success seeing your womanly attributes as all tied to your femininity, from bossiness, reticence, sarcasm, wit... whatever ya got as a woman is your feminine self.
Good luck!
Unread 10-14-2006, 08:01 AM
Scared, happy, relieved, scared...

"I've had a really rough day today - crying for no reason (okay, maybe it's because I couldn't find the right dogfood at the grocery earlier). I know intellectually that it's rediculous - but those emotions kick my butt sometimes."

Ramona, try to embrace the reality that you cannot approach THIS part of what is happening to you intellectually. That will just kick you so hard if you try to do that! Use your obvious intelligence to research exactly what is going to happen to you and why (I watched a full hysterectomy surgery on line and viewed tons of images of rectocele and bladder sling procedures!). There is so much power in knowledge if you are not a squeamish person and when your post surg and feel this awful cramping in your lower abdomen you can rationalize it because you know what happened and say "oh its pelvic floor pain from.......".

You cannot do the same thing with your emotions. That darling is what really is what makes us women. That ability to care so much and nurture so much is what at times like this makes our lives a bit more difficult! But you can do it. Stop trying to fight it so much and work with what you have. It sounds like you have an awesome DH who is concerned about how you are feeling. Congrats! So many sisters don't have that. Tell him how surprised you are that you can't control that part and you aren't going to fight it. I told my DH that there were times I was just going to have to cry and would need him to hold me. He hated to see me cry but feels so good that he is what makes me feel better, stronger, okay when I do have those breakdowns and he just holds me and kisses my cheek till I'm okay. And it really is okay! I'm a control freak and to let it go like this was so hard but I know that I have to let something "give" or I wasn't going to be able to do this and if you go peek into the post-op boards you'll see tons of sisters just like me who even post-op still have these outbursts and breakdowns. It is perfectly normal.

Now, next time you go out, buy yourself some waterproof mascara! lol Here anytime you want to talk.
Unread 10-14-2006, 08:48 AM
Scared, happy, relieved, scared...

s to you. I am on the emotional roller coaster (sometimes it feels more like the free fall). I, too, have never had children. Even though I have always said that I never wanted them, I have plenty of nieces and nephews to spoil, and was told that I could never have children. I always held onto the thought that if I decided I did want children, I could go to an infertility specialist and miraculously conceive. When I found out that I needed a hyst, it devistated me. It took a while, but I finally realized that it was having the "choice" of having kids forever taken away from me that had me so upset.

I, also, felt that I was losing what makes me a woman. Thanks to the wonderful words here from all of the sisters, I know that is not true. That it is who we are, not what parts we have, that makes us a woman.

Prayers and positive thoughts heading your way.

Unread 10-14-2006, 09:27 AM
Scared, happy, relieved, scared...

Thanks to all of you - yes, I want the hyst, just wish the surgery wasn't necessary to remove it! The prometrium didn't work for me. Neither did changing around my b.c. pills to try different dosage, brands, etc. I also tried going off of them (that was scary). I bleed 50-75% of the time, have migraines, and started having hot flashes when I was 33. I'm now 39 & am sick of feeling like this all the time - I should have bought stock in the feminine product industry years ago!

I have begun to realize that I need to experience and feel all this - emotionally - in order to go thru it and heal properly. I love that I can feel and am usually not bothered by my emotional roller coaster.

I will do more reading research - but I think I'll skip watching the procedures, I have a lot of trouble watching surgeries, even on tv shows.

Thanks to everyone here for your support! I know I'll be a woman no matter what happens to me in this lifetime - it's great to be able to express my fears, anxiousness, frustrations, etc in a place like this where I am not judged!!

I will get thru this and be just fine!!!

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