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Unread 11-13-2006, 06:02 PM
marriage problems

I am 5 months post-op from a full abdominal hysto and using Vivelle dot - which is working to control the hot flashes and other obvious symptoms - my problem is that I don't know what my problem is! Is it the hormones, is it personality change, is it depression - I simply can't identify it. I feel fine most of the time (although I'm still struggling with some residual pain), and don't feel angry or in a bad mood, but my relationship with my husband is sliding into an abyss and I feel powerless to stop it. We have always gotten along great, and been truly best friends, but in the months since my surgery, our sex life has suffered severely (neither of us is interested most of the time), and we just don't seem to enjoy or want each other's company anymore. It's getting worse, not better as time passes. Anybody else have similar experience, or some direction? Thanks.
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Unread 11-13-2006, 06:11 PM
marriage problems

I'm sorry you are going through this. My dh sort of abandoned me early in my recovery period, but things have improved dramatically since then, and in fact, they are better than they were before. Have you tried talking with him openly about the feelings you have? One book that someone on this site recommended to someone who wrote about marital difficulties really proved helpful for my conversation with my husband. It is called The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. It sounds a little silly, and at times it does seem simplistic, but overall, one can discover that each person expresses his and her love differently. When my dh started going to work on the house and ignoring me during my recovery, he was doing his love language of "service" to assure me he cared. To me, that was abandonment, because my primary ways of expressing care are quality time and words of affection.

It's also true that our partners can worry about their own sexuality, when they are with us, if they know that what they are engaging in doing for pleasure might bring us harm.

Finally, you do not mention your age, and so I'm unsure whether this might be part of it, but I don't use HRT and didn't from the start. I am happier than I was pre-hyst. I have no mood or weight swings, and I am exercising again and feeling pretty good. Maybe get your HRT tested and adjusted, or maybe consider getting off them entirely, if your doc agreed this would be possible for you?

Best wishes to you both. Life is indeed hard sometimes.
Unread 11-13-2006, 06:22 PM
marriage problems

What a great response, blueheron.
Very wise.
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Unread 11-13-2006, 06:49 PM
marriage problems

Thanks, Blueheron, you are a "jewel" - I'll get the book right away and keep my fingers crossed.
Unread 11-13-2006, 06:52 PM
marriage problems

My dh is not a talker about such matters. But using the language in this book really helped us talk through some of the key issues where there was an impasse. I hope it might help you. It sounds like you have had good things happen in the past, and it's sometimes even better when you both are aiming to make it work. Good wishes to you on this.

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