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sex and marriage trouble anyone? sex and marriage trouble anyone?

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Unread 01-09-2007, 07:47 AM
sex and marriage trouble anyone?

Who out there is having trouble readjusting to sex and having it affect their marriage? My husband is having a problem but does not like to say anything to me because he feels bad. He knows I need to recover and heal but I know that he has needs and they are not being met. He likes sex, he likes it a lot and when he does not get it, he acts differently. I am not mad, I understand who he is but he won't talk to me about it. He thinks it makes him a bad person because he knows that I am doing the best I can. So, if anyone's husband out there feels the same way please respond so I can show my husband that he is not alone. Let's not beat around the bush, sex is important to a marriage. It is okay to say it. The bigger question is what do we do in the mean time? It is going to take time for sex to be good again (or even better no that there is no pain) but right now, this entire situation is having a negative effect on my marriage. Please help!
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Unread 01-09-2007, 07:53 AM
sex and marriage trouble anyone?

Ummm at the risk of being a bad influence, may I suggest being "creative" until you are physically ready
for full out booty.
I was worried about my dh sooo I took the initiative to buy a few things.
Enough said that we had a good time playing until I was ready....

hope this helps


Unread 01-09-2007, 08:31 AM
sex and marriage trouble anyone?

After previous surgeries and 2 babies, we "improvised" until I was completely ready.
With my first pregnancy, we were told no sex at 7 mos. because I'd had spotting. So, it was close to 4 mos. that we were not able to have actual intercourse but found other ways --- improvisation.
15 years later, dh and I are not concerned about having to wait.
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Unread 01-09-2007, 09:32 AM
sex and marriage trouble anyone?

My boyfriend and I also "improvised" until such a time that I was "ready". I met his needs as much as possible - orally and manually - until such a time that other intimacy was possible.

On a not-so-happy note, since he's rather well endowed, even after 3 months, deep penetration is painful, so there is only one or two positions in which we can have actual coital intercourse.

Sorry if it is all TMI - I tried to be as mature as possible.

Unread 01-09-2007, 01:52 PM
sex and marriage trouble anyone?

Please imagine me saying this in a very supportive, friendly, and sisterly voice:

Good grief! It's only been 2 months since your surgery! Sheesh. Men!
Girlfriend, right now, it should be all about YOU. His needs have to take a back seat to your needs right now. Finding out what YOUR sexual needs are or aren't. You are darn right that sex is an important part of any marriage. Are your needs and wants being satisfied? You're the one who went under the knife, it's your emotions that will be all stirred up from hormones gone crazy, and here you are looking for ways to reassure him.

But we all do it, don't we ladies? We can't help ourselves. We nuture others, we comfort others, even in times when we are the ones who need it most.

But all that aside, listen to the sisters. Their replies have been good ones. There is so much sex that has nothing to do with penetration. Somewhere in these boards, I saw the term "outercourse". Since all the stimulation is outside, it can be very successful at meeting YOUR needs. His needs, too, I guess. But only after You are ready.

I'm nervous about posting this. As I reread it, I realize that it can be interpreted as being too harsh. It's not meant to be. Just want you to realize how important YOU are.
Unread 01-09-2007, 04:50 PM
sex and marriage trouble anyone?

My boyfriend of 8 years was sitting on the couch the other night and I just playfully asked him if he wanted to "play around." He just looked at me and said that since there was nothing down there why would he want to do THAT anymore. I was too shocked to say anything. I hope he just doesnt want to hurt me since I can't really do anything yet, but it makes me wonder how things will be in a few months when Im healed. Can a man be that uninformed? And now when I feel like my sex drive will come back better than ever.

I think its true what they say about men-you have to get right to the point in anything you tell them. They simply dont understand clues a lot of the time. Take care of yourself first sister.
Unread 01-09-2007, 04:58 PM
sex and marriage trouble anyone?

Misterhystersister gals. It really helped my dh, he continues to recommend it to other men all the time. Yes it is about us, yes they need to grow up and get real, but that's alot easier said than done. Hyst's have been such a taboo topic for women can you imagine the guys side of it.
I had to wait over 4 months for sex after surgery, dh survived. Not without whiney reminders and learing at me like a dirty old man or total teenage remarks, but he did live. Now we laugh about it.
Good luck.
Unread 01-09-2007, 05:51 PM
sex and marriage trouble anyone?

Today was the first time DH and I had intercourse. Was cleared by the doctor then came straight home before he went to work. Honestly it was probably the best sex I've ever had. We played around about two weeks ago and all he had to do was touch me and I had the big O. Just because some parts are missing doesn't mean the whole machine is broken. Sometimes removing some dysfuntional parts helps the machine run more smoothly.

I do have a DH who lives and breathes sex. He understands the whole waiting part but does act differently when he doesn't get it. I learn to live with it and improvise. They'll get over it. He doesn't even remember waiting after today.
Unread 01-09-2007, 05:54 PM
sex and marriage trouble anyone?

And I have to agree with Hersheygal. My dh and I had several little talks through the pain beforehand and after the surgery. He goes, "Don't worry, I've been taking care of myself for years. What do you think I do if I get the urge in the middle of the day while I'm at work?" I thought it was sweet at the time. Now I think it's pretty funny. When he calls me in the middle of the day now, I ask him what he's doing?

I was lucky enough to be released to try at 21 days out of surgery. The doc said that she hadn't seen anybody heal that quickly inside. And Yes, she did do the internal. We did try a few nights later...and it worked for me and him without lube (sorry if this is TMI). He didn't get out of control or anything, but it was much better for me because of not having the pain I had beforehand.

Hugs, Luck, and Prayers,
Unread 01-09-2007, 06:36 PM
sex and marriage trouble anyone?

Many of us here have had struggles readjusting to sex after a hysterectomy. Your husband sounds like a dear taking your needs into consideration. Have you been cleared yet? Are you feeling afraid something might happen to the work that was done? You may want to communicate that to him.

If you have been cleared and are afraid, you may want to try some romance. Dinner, flowers, wine (if you are off of pain meds), mood musi, candles, etc. The kind of things you did while dating. Things that can help you relax. Take it slow and see what happens. One of the materials I was given following mine suggested the woman on top which helps her control certain things should something hurt.

If you just aren't interested, you may want to have your hormone levels checked.

Yes, things do get better in time. Assure your DH that you love him and you are working on getting to the point where it will happen. That just gave me another thought. He may be afraidyou will never be interested again.

Hope this helps.


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