Taa-Daa..I Have Appointments!

Dear Sisters,

I am writing you from the edge of my cliff here thanking all of you who wrote and letting you all know that the only reason I did not step of the mountain is because of all of you!

It was great to get affirmation that I am not the only one who has knocked on the door of the Booby Hatch requesting entrance! Thank you for acknowledging that it is okay to be tired and that doesn't make me a wimp or a loser. All you seem to read and hear about is how brave and what a great warriors everyone who belongs to the cancer club is...I felt so left out and want to thank you for letting me hear hear how human all of you are. We just can't be that invincible person everyday

The one step at a time reminder was great. It is one of those things we sometimes lose sight of and a very important thought for all of us in this struggle. Promising myself that all that I am expected to do is to make one little phone call on a given day is a great way to stay sane, motivated and get things accomplished!

I also took great comfort hearing from a sister that it is normal to get tied up in knots about the costs. Seems I can't even lay down for my CT scan without imagining a bill printed on a great big sheet of paper laying down next to me!! Knowing that every time I show up for one of these things I'm just another day older and deeper in debt is daunting. I feel as though, when I register at the desk for imaging, I have a big sign on my head that says "This one owes Money!" I appreciate those of you that suggested that any amount will do; even a pittance. There is great comfort in knowing that you are not the only one without the big checkbook or the depleted checkbook!

It just wasn't about being tired of the doctor, hospital, bill & waiting merry-go-round, it was also fear, as one of you pointed out.
(I have a vision of this ride at your local carnival..can you see it? Instead of wooden horses there are plastic chairs for waiting, a doctor to ride piggy-back style on and lastly a big ATM machine to ride on top of ) I do realize now that I was avoiding signing up to have those terrible jitters that lead up to the test, taking the test and waiting for the test results.

Well, thanks to you...I HAVE APPOINTMENTS! I have my CT scan on the 27th and I see my gyn/onc on the 28th. Yeah!!! Now the cold sweats have started until I have the appointments; but that's another post.

So..I am back in the game and hopefully I won't put this off again. I appreciate the gentle nudges, the tough love and the virtual waiting by the phone with me.

Lastly...thank you so very much to whomever gave me my angel badge. I was feeling just horrible about myself; not having enough strength (and apparently common sense) to at least do the right thing for my husband and my kids. I don't know that I have ever felt so down on myself. That little badge made me feel good about myself again. So, bless you to my kind angel.

I know this was a long winded post; but I needed to let all of you know how you made a difference in my life. I'll keep you posted with my results.

Lovingly & Gratefully
Beachball

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OK, I went a little overboard on the smilies, but I couldn't help it after reading your post. Beachball, we are all so proud of you, and we know how difficult it was for you to do.

Now, just worry about the 27th, and nothing else. You just confirm to yourself that you just need to get through that and the rest, worry later.

You are so "on target" about being tired of hearing how strong, heroic, saintly all us cancer patients are or are supposed to be. It just makes me sick too. We're just people, we have the same faults and good traits we had before cancer. And, we're not heroic, or saintly, or brave -- we're mad, and scared, and sick of being sick, and we want to live, and we want our lives back!! If one more non-cancer survivor says to me, "Oh, I could have never gone through what you've gone through...I don't know what I'd do, I just wouldn't do it," I'll slap them.

Really, we're so happy to have been of help and service. Hang in there. Your sisters are with you.

You should feel so proud of yourself!!! There is no one who hears the word Cancer who doesn't have moments of being scared and unsure of what to do. You are a strong lady, you are taking the steps you need to keep yourself healthy and happy. You will be in my thoughts and prayer.

Beachball, you get the "Atta-Girl" award for today!!

I'm going to remember your post the next time I need encouragement to make an appointment. Thank YOU for that!

Beachball,

It is awful sometimes hearing "oh, you're so strong, your the strongest person I know" Because sometimes I don't feel strong, I want to scream, I want to cry...but I don't want to let anyone down, so sometimes I suffer in silence (yes, even counselors do this). for instance, I had a paper do for a social work class last night, and I still don't have it written...I can't focus today. and I have to make an appt. with my PCP to get a physical and such for school, but I really don't want to. I am soo tired of having doctors, and med students poking and prodding at me.
But, "Atta girl" you are taking those ever important baby steps that make everything get done.
Cherry

Great job, Beachball!! We knew you could, and would, make those appointments. We'll be there laying on that dreaded table with you - and one of us will bring the matches to set that big bill laying next to us on fire.

Now, make sure you set up your next follow-up appointment with your gyn/onc before walking out that door on the 28th!

I had to laugh at W2W's description of how people think we're saints, etc. for just doing what we have to to stay alive. I always felt so uncomfortable whenever a family member or friend would give me that look (you all know the one), or say something about how strong I was or how proud they were of me....ugh!

WOW, Bb! Your honesty and ability to identify and look your fears in the eye and then move forward by making your appointments is major terrific!!

Way to go!!!!

Great news, Beachball. We're all rooting for you to get through these appointments, enjoy a deep sigh, and go on with your life. Congragulations for picking up the phone and doing what you knew you had to do, one more time.

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"Oh, I could have never gone through what you've gone through...I don't know what I'd do, I just wouldn't do it," I'll slap them.

I'll second that! I have a friend that is always telling me how strong I am. At one point I told her I'd rather be weak. LOL

Beachball you should be very proud of yourself for taking those first steps. And now you won't have to think about it again until the 27th. (I know, wishful thinking... )

Beachball, you have looked fear in the eye and stared it down. We'll be with you at appointments if you want.