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Is it just my husband?? Is it just my husband??

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Unread 04-15-2007, 08:24 AM
Is it just my husband??

Okay...delicate question here...but is anyone else's husband skirting the best kind of physical intmacy as the surgery date approaches? We have only had sex once in the past month...since I started this process...and normally I could say...well that isn't great but we both have been burning our candles at both end. HOWEVER, since I told him of my issues as the doctor revealed them to me...he will kiss and snuggle on me but when I try to initiate anything more...well he physically seems ready but he negotiates his way out it very craftily (I know that isn't a word but it is as accurate as I can get without writing a novel!! LOL) . At first I had no idea he was even avoiding sex...but this morning I told him...ya know we only have a few more days and then we have to obstain for six weeks!! He shouted at me (though I am not sure he realized that he shouted) But you are asleep!! LOL...okay so here is I where I wanted to be TOTALLY snarky and be a "captain obvious" and let him know that I don't normally talk in my sleep...but I was good and didn't. I guess he is going through something too. He is a man of few words, old school ya know. He feels a bunch, but he rarely talks about it. When his father was finally told he only had a few months left...he acted like nothing was going on, but at the memorial service he read the most wonderful tribute which he had written the week before his father passed! So I am not going to pressure him to talk to me, though I did tell him I at least want to have sex one more time before the surgery....but not the night before!! LOL But is anyone else's hubby having problems like this? Any suggestions on how to help him? Thanks ladies!
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Unread 04-15-2007, 09:55 AM
Is it just my husband??

Sorry 'bout that. My husband is quite the opposite (which is not always a good thing). He will probably want to have it the morning of, no doubt.

But I have heard from other girlfriends that have gone through it that some men are afraid of hurting you, especially if you've been in a substantial amount of pain. For some men, the actual surgery being scheduled validates that there IS something going on that needs to be addressed and that it's not all "in your head."

Some men are this way around pregnancy and childbirth as well (mine wasn't -- I see a pattern here.)

I would try to talk about it with him especially if you are feeing good enough to have relations. For some women it's painful and if they can avoid it, it's a blessing. For others, they may feel slighted and neglected. As always, good communication is the key. :key:

There are other ways of being intimate that don't involve physical intercourse -- maybe a little romance could set the stage for you to get what you need from him.
Unread 04-15-2007, 12:07 PM
Is it just my husband??

My BF is acting the same way, but he is so edgy & moody towards me lately.. I keep asking him if he is upset about my surgery but all he says is: Of coarse I am worried about you". But other than that he don't talk about it, I talk all the time and tell him everything I am doing to help prepare the house and kid's for this but he just shakes his head and says okay.

I always ask if he agrees with my descion and he says he totallly agress with what I am going through and will do everything he can to help me through it, I just wonder if they aren't Scared to see us in so much pain and maybe that makes it hard for them to feel romantic so close to our castle dates?

My surgery is Tuesday and we haven't "been together" in two weeks, before I had my surgery date is was about every other night he wanted to be close in one way or another, but not anymore...
wish we could read thier minds
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Unread 04-15-2007, 01:28 PM
Is it just my husband??

Gosh girls, mine won't leave me alone! I'm the one that really doesn't want to do it! This is probably a bit weird, but I don't want him to mess anything up down there that would require a postponement of this surgery!!!
Unread 04-15-2007, 01:43 PM
Is it just my husband??

If what the Mars-Venus book says is any indication, men like to be able to "fix" something. When their loved one is going through something they can't fix, they feel helpless, perhaps unneeded!

(And when they are stressed, they go into their "caves" to process stuff, and don't talk! )

Just a thought - telling your DH what you appreciate about him - his supporting you, whatever it is - if he knows that is really important to you, he may feel way more comfortable. If there is some way to make him feel like he is part of it, instead of out of his element, that might work.
Unread 04-15-2007, 02:37 PM
Is it just my husband??

He could possibly be stressed out about the whole thing. My DH admitted to being so worried and stressed out about me going under and the recovery process. He of course didn't tell me about it until I was home from the castle, and he was taking care of me here. He was totally in his cave about the whole thing. The whole couple of weeks before he didn't talk about anything to do with the surgery, I thought he was just oblivious to what was about to happen to his world when it was quite the opposite. He had done his own research at work and had read the mrhystersisters stuff I had sent to him. He was just in his cave about the whole thing. That may be what is going on with your DH....
Unread 04-15-2007, 03:00 PM
Is it just my husband??

Wow!! It has been years since I thought about Mars & Venus...I totally forgot about the whole cave analogy!! Thanks for that! Well, it sounds like it depends on the man...but I am glad to know that we aren't the oddity! I was beginning to wonder if he was having problems of thinking of me as less of a woman...I don't define my femininty by my uterus...but perhaps my husband was thinking differently...I wouldn't want to ask and insult him.

So once again, I thank all of you ladies for talking me through another uncertainty! HUGS
Unread 04-15-2007, 03:02 PM
Is it just my husband??

My DH was offered a "fond farewell" to the existing parts for over a month before the surgery. He always declined by saying that he knew I was in pain and would prefer to wait and give a "happy welcome" to the newly arranged parts. Since my surgery, he has made several comments about our new "first time" so I know he thinks of it often.

I don't think this is unusual, at least for us. He had a surgery a few years ago, and he wasn't interested for the month or so before his surgery either. After, he was just fine.
Unread 04-15-2007, 03:02 PM
Is it just my husband??

He could just be worried mine is worriedo ut of his mind. My husband was so lovey dovey till this week. Since I bleed and hurt a lot of times i wth sex he is afraid if we have sex it will complicate surgery and says he doesnt want to break me befor surgery. Maybe he is the same way. Good luck
Unread 04-15-2007, 04:11 PM
Is it just my husband??

Halfie you sound like a very sensitive respectful wife/friend to your DH. My DH was avoiding sex last August when I had a hyst scheduled for Sept and I finally found out why. We had quite a nice "encounter" in a cabin in a state park - rainy day - on June 1. June 2 the bleeding started in (despite hormones) and continued for 40 days (sounds Biblical - a different kind of Great Flood) ending on the 40th day July 11 in a massive hemorrhage requiring several units of transfused blood. I am absolutely sure the bleeding had nothing to do with sexual activity. It was just coincidental. But somehow he felt responsible, or he felt I would hold him responsible. Or he knew it was coincidental but still worried that another such coincidence would occur - by then it was taking enormous amounts of hormones to keep the bleeding at bay. He just wanted to wait until I was all healthy again, so that's what we did.

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