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Unread 05-08-2007, 05:59 PM
Friends and Family support

I was wondering about the support that everyone is getting, or got, before their surgery. I am scheduled to have my surgery on May 25th, 2007, and I am a little upset about the support that I have received.

At first everyone seemed to act as if the problems I were having was normal and not to worry about. Then when we found out it was ovarian cancer they acted shocked, then ignored it, and some have even accussed me of stretching the truth!!!!

Now that the surgery is scheduled my mother and one of my friends have decided that a few years ago they had a hysterectomy and it was nothing. Now, I have never heard of either of these women having one until I said mine was scheduled. Of course my husband is choosing to ignore the whole situation as if it is happening to someone else.

I was wondering if this behavior was common for families and friends for them to cope or if I just have a bunch of selfish people around me.
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Unread 05-08-2007, 06:11 PM
Friends and Family support

Tammy, I was lucky and had great support from my husband. I did notice a lot of women act as if it's no big deal because they went through it and survived the ordeal and so will we, but when it's you it feels so different. I love hystersisters because here you just get great support from women who are going through it at the same time and can relate to us so well. I hope you great some good support from here and vent to us!! Best wishes..
Unread 05-08-2007, 06:14 PM
Friends and Family support

Oh dear tammy! I am so sorry you are getting this reaction at a time when you have so much to cope with!

One thing I have felt is that so many hysterectomies are done that people just feel they are routine whatever reason they are being done for.

My own husband expected me to be back to my old self in 3 weeks and I am not going to be. Some of it might be their way of giving reassurance or that they simply can't deal with what is happening and that seems to be particularly true for men, as it says on this site, a man wants to fix things and when he can't he feels helpless.

Maybe others have good suggestions on how to cope with everyone and what to say to them. This was a great thread to start as certainly it seems to me that at almost 2 weeks post op my help is fast disappearing and has not been up to that much anyway!
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Unread 05-08-2007, 06:47 PM
Friends and Family support

I think you should ask your mom and friend if you can see the scar. Tell them you want to see what you are going to have. That is what I would do. I do have a mean streak in me. HA HA
Some people do not want to show their concern because they do not want to alarm you. Please share the men's pages on this site with your husband.
Best of luck!
Unread 05-08-2007, 10:35 PM
Friends and Family support

I was told yesterday about this site and have spent many hours on it already. I am glad that it is here. I am grateful to all you who are giving so much support.

A lot of people have responded that there are many hysterectomys done everyday so what is the big deal? So, I stopped talking about it because I thought that it was bothering people. Then everyone acted as if that meant the problem went away.

As for asking to see the scars. LOL and that was a great idea. My mom said she has so many scars she couldn't remember which one it was??? As for the friend, she stuttered and replied that she was uncomfortable showing it to me. Makes you wonder huh?
Unread 05-09-2007, 08:29 AM
Friends and Family support

Oh boy, I would say that is VERY telling! I would just turn around and say, well I don't believe you! Seriously, I am watching carefully who is supportive and caring of me right now, I truly believe it tells me who my friends are. For example one person I had let know about this has not contacted us at all to find out how I am and I have known her for years and it has been almost 2 weeks.
Unread 05-09-2007, 09:56 AM
Friends and Family support

I think many people take the "it is no big deal" route too because they don't want to add more stress to the person having the surgery by telling them about their awful experience or anything. People, including DHs and Moms, sometimes don't realize that in doing this that they are almost invalidating the fears we have...I think most of them are just trying to be a comfort by minimizing the surgery.
Unread 05-09-2007, 04:25 PM
Friends and Family support

Tammy when they do the oh I had it done it was no big deal thing ask them if it was for cancer? Sometimes its the fear of the C word that they will latch on to something less scary such as a hyster. for fibroids. Both are the same surgery, both surgerys are scary. But one of them may need futher treatments then the other.
Have your hubby go with you to the onocologist. Let the Dr. explain directly what you are going thru.
Shantra I had called one who I considered an old friend (30 yrs) from the hospital. Talked to her about 5 min on the phone and am still waiting to hear back from her 5 months later. My other friends lived too far away to be support any other way other then emails and phone calls.
Unread 05-09-2007, 04:51 PM
Friends and Family support

I know my family (2 brothers and 3 parents) love me and want to help me but only one lives near me and he has a wife and 3 kids. He was pretty adamant that I come to his house right after the hospital because his wife would be there all day. While I love him he is CRAZY! He lives in a townhome with every room on a different level. His kids (I love 'em to death) are young (4-7) and I would have to share a bunkbed in a room with the oldest. The youngest is "my" girl and loves to climb all over me and be rough...I just know I'll scare the little kids by my appearance and when I have to yell to stop the jump on Auntie instinct. My mom isn't well enough to come and so I have asked my little bro to fly in to be there at least for a few days. I feel bad that I asked him. I can't ask any of that from my boyfriend, he's too new (7 months) and I expect this may be too much for him and soon he'll make his exit. I don't blame him if he does, he didn't sign up for nursemaid duty. Is it even possible to recover alone? What is too much to ask?
Unread 05-09-2007, 05:14 PM
Friends and Family support

Octavia, I don't know what kind of surgery you're going to have but with my TAH I was able to make my own simple meals everyday and made sure I had things that were simple and didn't require me to stand around and lift heavy things. My husband was a great help but he did have to work everyday and I'm not sure I would have wanted him sitting around watching me all day. Mostly I needed him to help me if I dropped something, bring in groceries, vacuum and do dishes (I bought paper plates and used throw away things as much as possible.) The recovery time just seemed to fly by and before you know it you're able to do things by yourself again. I wouldn't have wanted to do it alone but I think you could. I think you really find out who your friends are and who supports you.

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