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it's not getting better.  this may end my marriage. it's not getting better. this may end my marriage.

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  #1  
Unread 05-29-2007, 11:31 AM
it's not getting better. this may end my marriage.

it's been almost 4 months since my hyst. i feel worse now than i did when i came home. it's almost like it's taken this long for the pain to really set in. and now i'm a basket case most of the time. i don't even want to get up and go to work anymore. i've been drinking more than usual and sleeping more than usual. i can cry at the drop of a hat.

i'm seeing a therapist and i go tonight again. i'm asking him to refer me to a doctor to get some meds.

i'm still tormented. every time dh's son comes over i want to run away. i'm angry and resentful. i'm even considering getting a divorce because of this. i feel like every time i make a step forward in healing dh's son comes over and it gets undone. i'm just reminded what i can never do. i go from feeling nothing to feeling angry. and the pain is too much to even describe.

my one year wedding anniversary is coming up in the next couple of weeks. i just don't see how i'm supposed to survive the rest of my life like this. had i known this surgery was in my future i would not have married a man with a kid. the only reason i did was because i was thinking we would have our own one day. i spend most of my time feeling alienated and alone.

i haven't told dh i feel this bad. he knows something is wrong but doesn't know the extent or severity. i feel like i can't tell him without him taking it personally or feeling attacked. i don't want to hurt him or make him feel like i'm blaming him or his kid. i'm not. but i don't feel like i should be suffering through this and i don't see it getting easier. i only see me growing more bitter.

and i don't know if leaving will make it better or worse in the end. i'm not sure i care anymore. i want the pain to stop.
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  #2  
Unread 05-29-2007, 03:11 PM
it's not getting better. this may end my marriage.

Oh, I can tell how much you're hurting right now. You wrote this:

  Quote:
my one year wedding anniversary is coming up in the next couple of weeks. i just don't see how i'm supposed to survive the rest of my life like this.
Oh, sweetie... you don't have to worry about the rest of your life, or even your wedding anniversary coming up. All you need to worry about is today. Can you make it through today? If you can, then that's a start. But if you don't feel as though you can make it through today, or you feel as though you'll hurt yourself, then you need to get to the doctor, or the ER, or call 911 if you can't get yourself to the doctor or ER safely.

I say this in all seriousness and with incredible admiration for you. Why do I admire you? Because in the midst of this sorrow, you have the courage to come here (even if it is an anonymous message board) and pour out your heart to your (((sisters))). And we care about you.

Even though it has been four months since your surgery, most doctors say that it really takes your body a year to get back to a semblance of what it was like before the operation. So you're not done healing yet. Try to be very gentle with yourself and allow the sadness, but if it's too much, don't hesitate to reach out for help. It is there.

  #3  
Unread 05-29-2007, 04:00 PM
it's not getting better. this may end my marriage.

hello peppermint_tea
A big hug for you i agree with mjd2491 sweety if you don't feel as though you can make it through today, or you feel as though you'll hurt yourself, then you need to get to the doctor, or the ER, or call 911 if you can't get yourself to the doctor or ER safely.

[quote]i haven't told dh i feel this bad. he knows something is wrong but doesn't know the extent or severity.

Have you tried talking with DH perhaps you could work something out with him feeling attacked or blamed . This says you care about DH and how he feels so you are caring person and dont want to hurt him . :O)

maybe he and his DS can get together some other place instead untill you can start to heal your heart I hope that is possible for you.

I will pray for you and i hope you will be able to get the help you need sweetie
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  #4  
Unread 05-29-2007, 05:00 PM
it's not getting better. this may end my marriage.

Peppermint,
I am so sorry you're feeling so bad. We had our surgeries around the same time and I remember reading some of your threads before.
I don't know what to say to help but I hope you don't make any major decisions while you're feeling so awful. I know everyone says talk to your doctor and I would recommend that too, just to see if the pain is normal.
I can't imagine how it must feel to have your step son come over and see him and know you can't have one yourself. I was 48 when I had my surgery and have not had any kids but that was my choice. I think you just have to grieve the loss of your own. I really think you need to grieve it in your own time and in your own way and no one should tell you how to grieve or how long it will take. You're too young to have had your options taken away and it's not fair, but it's what you have to live with and I'm sorry. Maybe your husband will understand if you talk about not being able to share a child with him as you had hoped to. I hope you could learn to love your step son in your own way and although he won't ever take the place of your own kids he may be able to help you heal in his own way.
Hope this helps.
  #5  
Unread 05-29-2007, 07:11 PM
it's not getting better. this may end my marriage.

I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time.

It is never good to make a life altering decision when our minds are clouded for whatever reason. Talk to your therapist about making informed decisions using your rational mind. It is soo easy to get caught up in emotions and make bad choices. I know this from experience.

On another note, I can completely relate with the stepchild situation. My DH children live with us full time. There are days that I can't even look at the kids, let alone take care of them. I mean I do but it is hard. Its like living with a constant reminder of something DH and I will never have together. There are times that I get furious with the kids for no reason other than they are kids. On more than one occassion since I've been home I have thrown at DH 'They are YOUR kids. Remember I CAN'T have kids!'. I know is no one fault but living with a constant reminder is soo hard that I sit in the bathroom and cry. Then there are the days that I refuse to do anything with the kids other than get them to school. I know some people are reading this thinking I am a terrible person. But I am doing the best that can. I am not mean to the kids but I feel this need to really disassociate myself from them.
There are the days when I wake up and just want to leave. Run from these kids and him and just everything. I don't want to feel the way that I do but I can't help it. The emotions just get so strong. I hold onto the thought that this will pass and I will be back to me in no time at all. I even ponder at times why they put up with me. I wonder what am I doing to them, not giving them nothing of myself emotionally. There are a million what ifs and I don't wants.

I can only hope that things will get better for all us. For my family and your family. And most importantly you. We will survive, we are women that is what we do!
  #6  
Unread 05-30-2007, 10:20 AM
it's not getting better. this may end my marriage.

thanks for your kind words sisters.

i'm hanging on by a tiny little thread...but i'm hanging on. i'm trying so hard to keep it together. i cry on and off all day and i only slept about 3 hours last night.

i have an appointment with a psychiatrist this friday. if i can make it just that long i think i'll be okay. or...i'll at least be able to start to get a grip. i'm completely torn apart. i feel like i could blow away into nothing at any time.

the therapist says my feelings about dh and his kid are okay and normal. but he did say i needed to immediately get to a doctor who can give me medicine. he gave me some test and i answered 7 out of 9 affirmitavely which indicates major depressive disorder which i have had on and off for 13 years.

i feel like my entire world has caved in and i'm just sitting here in the rubble. trying to figure out what's what and make things fit. i came out of surgery as a new puzzle piece and i feel like i don't fit back into my old puzzle.

i am at a level of pain that i cannot tolerate much longer. i would like to just sleep for several days. i can't deal with anything. i don't know if it gets any lower than this; but i really hope it doesn't.

i'm not going to make any rash decisions. i know i can't end a marriage while my mental state is trashed. i did finally open up to dh last night and told him i feel like sometimes i just can't handle the kid and ex wife thing. it's really jarring and painful. and he said, "if you can't handle it; then don't handle it. you knew i had a kid when you met me."

as usual. i'm put on the back burner. how i feel doesn't matter and even if it did he couldn't be bothered to figure out any kind of way to make the next couple of months easier on me. it's simply....take it or leave it. shut up and live with it....or see yourself to the door.

i'm just so completely alone. this may be a message board...but you truly are the only people in my life who i trust to talk about this with. i can talk to my mother and maybe one other girl i know. but that's it as far as my support network.....apparently even my husband doesn't count as any support system.

i've never felt this alone or terrified. i really hope that i get some relief so i can at least function.

thanks for listening.
  #7  
Unread 05-30-2007, 12:35 PM
it's not getting better. this may end my marriage.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so down. I have lived with depression for what seems like forever(10yrs). It is much harder without support from loved ones. I'm glad to hear you are seeking help. It will help to open up with DH, even if he was not supportive at the time. Now atleast he knows where you are coming from.
Step families are very difficult no matter how hard we try. My biological father was put in the position where he felt he had to choose between me and my then step mother. He chose her. He resented her for being in that spot. I resent him for abandoning me. It didn't workout for any of us. 15yrs later we have not recovered our relationship.
I hope you can give yourself and DH time to adjust to the changes you have gone through. Just try to keep in mind DH son is only a child. He wants a loving family and you can be a part of that. When you married, you not only married DH but you married a family.
  #8  
Unread 05-30-2007, 12:50 PM
it's not getting better. this may end my marriage.

hi Pep
I wish i could just go hug you .
Hang in there sweetie i Hope friday you will be able to get something to help you sleep and that you will have a chance to discuss all your pain. I cant even imagine how hard this is for you. You are an incredible young woman.
My DH is a step parent and it was a hard road for us he and I cant have children and we have now been together 8 years and once in a while i still lock myself in the bathroom and cry. I am on medication for sleep and other and with work and professional help I pray that things will get better for you soon so hang in there sweetie we are all here for you (sister) :O)
  #9  
Unread 05-30-2007, 12:56 PM
it's not getting better. this may end my marriage.

i'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. i wish i could help you. i can feel your pain in your post
do you have anything to help you sleep? not sleeping enough can have a horrible affect on your recovery. your body cant recover completely if you are sleep deprived. i hope the appt with your new dr goes well and with medication, you feel better. i really feel bad that you arent feeling well.....
  #10  
Unread 05-30-2007, 01:17 PM
it's not getting better. this may end my marriage.

oh i'd never ask him to choose. i grew up without a father or a step father and i woudln't wish that on anybody. it isn't just that dynamic causing problems....it's his utter lack of empathy....his failure to make me feel like a part of the family....and a million other problems we have in our marriage. the very last thing i want to do or would do is put space between him and his kid. his priority is and should be the kid's best interest....mine....is keeping myself sane and healthy and happy. i have no plans of making anybody choose. i would never want to be married to a man who would choose me over his kid anyway....it would really irk me.

that being said i will not stay in any destructive situation for anybody. ever. i've done it for far too long before and life is hard enough.

i'm going home for the day. i'm just useless here at work. friday can't come fast enough.
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