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I'm so confused... I'm so confused...

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  #1  
Unread 06-24-2001, 12:53 PM
I'm so confused...

Hi ladies --

I feel so terribly today mentally. I've always had problems with depression and my MD put me on Celexa last week to help with that (he also gave me some Klonopin to help with the bad, panicky moments). Well, ever since my cancer treatments have been over, my husband and I have been getting into more and more arguments mostly about the fact that I am still feeling tired from the chemo (I think, although it might be from the depression) and that I do not want to do the things we used to do (mainly the things that HE wants to do). For example, he wants to go out and drive around for hours and take long walks, and all I want to do is stay at home and listen to music and rest. He is quite angry about this and we really had it out today. I told him that ever since the treatments have stopped, I am tired of doing things that EVERYONE ELSE SAYS I SHOULD DO and now I WANT TO TAKE SOME TIME FOR MYSELF. Like I said, he is quite mad about this. I'm also talking to a health psychologist about some of these feelings, but today, I just feel like I'm going to explode. I hope this makes sense. What it boils down to is that I want to regain some control over my life and he doesn't want me to - he wants things to go back the way they were post cancer and that is just not going to happen. I am a different person now and I'm afraid he doesn't like "the new me." Have any of you guys gone through this and what did you do?

Love,

Cyndy
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  #2  
Unread 06-24-2001, 02:38 PM
I'm so confused...

{{Cyndy}}

Boy, can I understand! I can't on the level of marriage since I'm unmarried but I can on the level of friends and family (especially the family). Try as they might to understand, once you complete the chemo most people think a few weeks later and you should be "all better" and ready to get back to your "pre cancer" life. Trying to get some control back over your life is completely understandable since cancer pretty much takes control for a while and its one BIG fight first with not letting it take complete control and then trying to get back some measure of a "normal" life.

Seeing both of my parents battle cancer in NO way prepared me for the changes that would happen in me and my thinking. I still have yet to regain the way I felt prior to surgery and chemo. There are soooo many times that all I want to do is sit and relax by myself, doing absolutely nothing! Other times I go in the opposite direction and don't stop for anything!

I can understand perfectly your need to put yourself FIRST! I think what most people don't understand is that you HAVE to do this to battle this disease and its not so easy to get rid of that once treatments are completed. I know we're all doing very well and will beat this however, that doesn't mean it's OVER for any of us either! If you're anything like me, there isn't a day that goes by (at least not yet) that I don't think about it. There also isn't a Dr's visit that goes by as of yet that doesn't get me panicking with the "what ifs".

I'm sure that what you went through scared the heck of him as well and hopefully he'll understand that maybe you just aren't ready yet to do some of these things. I know from my prior relationships and my sisters marriages that guys just don't know how or can't show their feelings the same way as women. Most of the time their worry comes out in anger, at least at first until they actually get to talking about their real feelings.

Could maybe HE talk to someone that might help him understand (from a neutral position) exactly what you're going through? That might possibly help him understand that not only does this change your thinking, it changes your body and your ability to handle the types of things you could prior. Such as stamina, heat, humidity, etc not to mention the things you enjoyed doing prior aren't necessarily that important any longer. I guess the best way I would describe it is that it changes your priorities and only YOU know what YOU need! I'm not meaning to say however, that his feelings aren't important.

You know, my latest way of coping with everything is that I've gone completely nuts on Roses! My sisters think I'm nuts, my neighbors think I'm nuts, my bosses think I'm nuts and I couldn't care less! I don't even have the extra $$ to afford all that I've been buying but I still don't care. It is SO worth it to walk out my door every day to see and smell them. Bottom line is they make me smile every day and that is exactly what makes it worth it. And if it wasn't so dang hot around here I would spend all my time in my garden which is so relaxing and peaceful to me right now.

I hope things will calm down soon for both of you and you'll find some common ground that will work for both. Please take care and try not to worry or stress too much. Things most always have a way of working themselves out but most importantly keep the positive attitude up! You'll get through all of this, healthy and happy!

Take care my friend! Big {{hugs}}

Vicki
aka The Crazy Rose Lady
  #3  
Unread 06-24-2001, 03:12 PM
I'm so confused...

Cyndy, I don't know exactly how you feel, but I do know that I am not the same person after all of this. I need to take stock of my life and sort out the wheat from the chaff. I don't think any of us who have been through this hell can ever be the same person we were before. Maybe you could try to sit down and talk with your dh , just like you have to us, here. Explain how you feel and what you are going through. Could you possibly go for a little walk, one that doesnt tire you out, it is also good for the bones, so they say. I know it must be hard, but like the rest of us here, you are a survivor and you will make it through this as well. Much love to you Cyndy x x
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  #4  
Unread 06-24-2001, 03:45 PM
I'm so confused...

Hugs ((((Cyndy)))))

Well you know I have to put my 2 cents worth in here, but since its Canadian...not sure what its worth!!

For sure we have all changed since going this this dreaded diease. And I think most of us like the person we have become.
My priorities have totally changed and although I have always been opinionated and determined, I am more so now. I used to be so organized at work, a place for everything and everything in its place. Now.....I could care less, as long as I can find what I am looking for eventually. That is just my job. I don't sweat the small stuff any longer.

It would have been very easy when we were all feeling our worst to say, ok thats it, no more of this. I don't need to feel this bad. But we didn't, and the reason we didn't is because we were determined to beat this. That determination is bound to spill over into every aspect of our lives from now on.

I am so sorry for what you are going through Cyndy, and I agree with what everyone here as already said.
Unless you go through this no one can understand what a toll it takes on our bodies, minds and spirits, and we can't just snap out of these feelings and go back to the way of thinking before.

As Vicki said I am sure we all wake up everyday and think about this. And yep every Dr. visit brings all the fear and worry back again and we have to go through these appointments for along time.

Do you think printing out these replies and letting hubby read them would help Cyndy? Strength in numbers. We are all validating what you are saying regarding your feelings, and perhaps he just doesn't realize that this is something that every cancer patient goes through, not just you.

I refuse to let anyone make any judgements on me and my feelings since going through this. I (we) have been though absolute hell, and you can be sure I will never let anyone tell me how I should be feeling at any given time.
Then again......I am single, my family knows this already, and I only have my cat to worry about right now......and she knows better than to "mess with maria".
cuz I feed her!!!

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers Cyndy. Hang in there kiddo. I am sure he will come around, and understand!

And Vicki, if you want roses so thick you gotta cut them to get to your car.......you go for it girl!!!! I bet they are just jealous cuz roses are so hard to grow, and you got beautiful ones!! So there!!!

Lots and lots of love and hugs Cyndy!!!
xoxo
  #5  
Unread 06-24-2001, 04:22 PM
I'm so confused...

Cyndy,

I hate that you are going through this. I don't know why it is and as much as I don't want to sound ungrateful for all that my dh did while I have been going through this. He just doesn't understand how it completely affects me. I felt my husband at different points during my treatment was pulling away from me. I don't even know that it was me he was pulling away from as much as the illness itself. Tired of how it had changed how I was and how our lives together was. Just think of how sick you got of the whole process, how at times you wanted things just to be like they were. Think of how many times you just wished the word cancer was not linked with your life. For some couples, arguing is a much needed release of tension. I'm not saying that is what we should strive for. But sometimes after the release is when you can communicate the best.

You know you are never going to be the same person again because of what you have been through. You may be one that has decided that you aren't going to live like you were before, you are taking more control. But he has never lived with that person and he needs time to adjust also. More than likely, you will also be one that embraces life and wants to live each day with a joy that you never thought possible. What man can't be attracted to a woman that lives with that kind of zest and not be caught up in it also. You both need time to get to know this new you. And it really is okay if someone else needs to help you two get there. Such as a counselor.

Thanks for opening up and posting here. Believe me it helps to know that our relationships are also affected by what we have gone through and we can talk about that.

God Bless you!
  #6  
Unread 06-25-2001, 09:49 AM
I'm so confused...

Cyndy~ I am so glad that you came here! It is so good to know that you have ladies to talk to who understand. I know we always blame things on hormones, but a lot of it is just ourselves maturing from a bad situation in which we were put in. I really do hope that you feel better soon. You are not alone!! We all have reached the point of being tired of pleasing others. My MIL warned me before surgery that it would change me...she said that it makes you a stronger person! SHE WAS RIGHT!! Be proud of who you are and stand up for the wonderful person that you are and deserve to be treated as!
  #7  
Unread 06-25-2001, 02:10 PM
I'm so confused...

Hi guys--

Thanks so much for your posts -- they really have made me feel a lot better. I am going to print them out so that I can refer to them when these feelings come up again (and I am sure that they will). This website is such a blessing and I think you are all just the greatest.

Love,

Cyndy
  #8  
Unread 06-25-2001, 06:26 PM
I'm so confused...

's Cyndy!!

So glad you are feeling better today!!
Don't be so hard on yourself hon. Your feelings are perfectly normal for what you have been through, and we are all with ya, and here for ya!! Dontcha forget that!!!
Love and hugs!!
M. xo
  #9  
Unread 06-25-2001, 09:16 PM
I'm so confused...

{{Cyndy}}

I'm so glad that you're feeling a bit better today. I wholeheartedly agree with Maria - don't be too hard on yourself. I think throughout the next few months quite a few of us will go through several different "phases", for lack of a better term.

The cancer and its following treatment consumes our lives so completely that is really does leave you, as you said in another thread feeling like "now what do I do"? I think over time things will begin to calm down. Although it may never be exactly the same as before, I think for all of us it will be much better as we are now much stronger women!

We ALL have beaten or are beating CANCER! It doesn't get much better than that!

Many prayers for you, my friend!

Vicki
Still planting those roses! :wink:
  #10  
Unread 06-25-2001, 11:16 PM
Cyndy....

First a hug...{{{{{{{{{{Cyndy}}}}}}}}}}}}.

Cancer changed me in many ways, too. Some tangible, some very ephemeral.

I used to buy the store brand coffee and toss some cinnamon in it...now I buy Starbucks! I really want to start each day with a good cup of coffee and I don`t care what it costs anymore. I think...whew! That was a close call. Maybe the next time I won`t be so lucky....I want GOOD coffee! NOW!

I used to be on the go all the time. I put in alot of extra hours at work. Now I give away hours. As long as my bills get paid, I don`t care about the nestegg. I almost didn`t get to spend it anyway, so why keep adding to it like a crazy person. Who knows how many tomorrows I have to enjoy. I don`t want to spend them all at work.

I also used to love my job...or maybe it was just that rat race happy we all get sometimes. Now...no more rat race for me. I do my job to the best of my ability and I do all I can to help others, I just don`t tie my emotions up in it anymore like I once did.

My DH likes to ride a Harley. I don`t. I used to go riding with him to be with him. Last week he asked when I would go riding again...I told him as soon as he spends the day at the museum with me.

I have become much more of a home body since I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. Maybe it was those 12 weeks at home doing nothing. I like it. I love my home. I love 'making a home' now. I love to read. Once upon a time reading was what I did for a half hour before I fell asleep. Now I sit on the floor petting my new puppies and read a book for hours.

Cancer does change us. Everything for me is measured by before and after. The constant reminder is my Dr. appointments and blood work appointments, at least one a month. And the other things that have cropped up...swollen feet, high BP...all requiring yet another Dr. appointment.

I understand. I am more selfish about me and my time now. I don`t want to waste one minute doing something I don`t want to do. Of course, we all have to...grocery shopping, cleaning the bathroom...but whats left at the end of the day and after the chores...is MINE.

You sound very normal to me....a very normal cancer survivor. Be easy on yourself. No guilt, please. We have been through enough. Now is the time for us to be gentle with ourselves.

{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}

kaatie
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