1 week post op and husband is complete *******

I had TAH 1/29/07. Then suddenly needed BSO 10/15/07. I am stunned at the level of inconsideration my husband is showing.

My first surgery he was an awful "nurse" my first night post op I had the moraphine drip and it was not working and I called out for him. He was on the roll-out bed in my room and he said "what is it Pam, I'm trying to sleep". I told him I was in pain and he said "press your pain pump". THere are many, many more stories like that one, but in the interest of time and space I'll leave it at that, you get the picture.

When I found out I needed another surgery, I had my mom, aunt and sister-in-law ready to help. My husband did not have to do anything except bring me to the hospital and take me to my mom's house after the operation, both of which he accomplished.

Now I'm back at my home and my husband does not seem to understand that I had my abdomen sliced open again and am in recovery. I am also having a hard time with the hormone thing and sometimes wish I could just scream. and scream.

One thing I absolutely HATE to do is repeatedly ask the same thing. My DH calls this nagging. I hate to nag. I don't even want to be associated with the word nag. I an mo clean freak, but even I have my limits. DH will not use the vacuume or wipe a counter. We have two inside/outside dogs so the house needs to be vacuumed often.

Sunday my parents came over to pick me up and take me to their house for lunch. I don't know what was wrong with me but I just broke down and when my mom asked what was wrong I told her my house was dirty, the dogs got in the bed and I could not do anything about it. My mom and dad came in and changed the sheets on the bed, vacuumed , and loaded the washer with laundry.

DH goes to his boat every weekend and stayes as long as he can enjoying the water, that is where he was sunday.

this sunday some of my friends want to come over after church and bring lunch. They originally wanted to come one evening, but realized DH would be here and would not be comfortable with them here so we agreed on sunday. DH is not wanting them to come because it will mean he has to pick up and clean. He acts like it will kill him. He then tells me that a lady at work has a daughter who cleans houses, I ask if he trusts her, and says "absolutely" . DH says "She will probably charge $75.00, can you pay that"

Does anyone understand???? we have no children (mostly because of my female problems) but I am at the end of my rope...... I dont' know what to do. If I had the money I would pay him to leave.

What an butt-hole that's all I can say. Maybe you can stay with parents for next 40 or 50 years Hang in there and remember you have hystersisters power!!!!

Oh boy, he's probably hoping if he stalls long enough on the chores, you will just get in there and do what you've always done. Call on your other friends and family members, just ask them to do what they can. Thank them so much in his presence, and maybe he will get the message! Concentrate now on letting yourself heal. We don't all have the ideal situation for it, but we must be as good to ourselves as we can. Next time he is sick, you will take care of him, and maybe he will realize what a horse's behind he was when you were getting over your surgery. I hope you will be feeling better soon.

THIS MAKES ME SO ANGRY!!!! Yeah he is acting like a child, do what I did in my marriage, stop doing ANYTHING FOR HIM! No washing no cooking, and when he wonders why or what is happening, say how does it feel? Tell him you have to GIVE before you can TAKE, and you have yet to GIVE, so until then your on your own BUSTER!! Tell him do your own laundry, cooking, grocery shopping,... man what a bum! UGH!

I am sorry that you are learning that your husband is not able to give you what you need especially since you are so vulnerable. Some people just are truly unable to be empatheitic--- chances are your spouse has never had any surgery or health crisis.

My husband went thru a mini-health crisis 2 years ago (of course I was there for him) & he TRULY appreciated my support. He has been WONDERFUL after my surgery-- but, for the record, I have had surgeries before & he just didn't "get it" in the same way. People CAN & DO change & mature.

Perhaps if you focus on what he IS doing right you will be able to restrain yourself from killing him! LOL

I am so sorry you have to deal with him like this. You were wrong about not having any children it seems to me you have one big one your DH. I am glad my hubby has been great, but I know where you are. My ex husband was the picture in the dictionary for bum! I hope you heal quickly and remember all this when he wants some marital favors from you! Paybacks! Sorry that was probably not nice. Good luck!

Janelle

Oh dear - I've one as well! I am 3 weeks out tomorrow and last week I was accused of 'Milking' the situation - I think I asked for something like a drink!

It does make you so angry that you start to do stuff - I went to sweep the floor in the kitchen and realised that was a mistake fairly soon! I have been very upset and crying a lot over the lack of support - my DH doesn't even ask me how I am when he come in and doesn't speak to me! He goes to begrudgingly make me some food and then gives out if I go into the kitchen while he's trying to get it ready!

I tried to have a few words last night but I just cry and men'll never take you seriously if you cry, I believe!

This is the plan - watch the dirt pile up - as I have been doing (2 indoor cats!!), watch the laundry piling up, when people call apologise for the mess! And when you are well - get him!! That's my plan!!

Chin up!

As Dr Laura says, tell your guests, my house was clean before my surgery, sorry you missed it.

OMGoodness! My DH would be living on his boat permanantly if he acted like that! I am so sorry he's being an insensitive oaf.

My DH was like that in the first couple years of our marriage (1991-93). If there was ANYTHING that needed to be done, I had to do it. I once let the bathroom go for 6 months, just to see if he would clean it. Nope. The bathtub was so clogged up that we stood in 6 inches of water. I finally broke down and cleaned it. I had to do the cleaning, bill paying, grocery shopping, car maintenance, cooking, clothes washing and everything other possible thing.

Well, all that turned me into a witch and he left me for a couple months. He ended up coming back with his tail between his legs and we worked it out (been 16 years now) and we have a good marriage.

As he matured, these things began to work themselves out - but he has cleaning limitations and now I do too. I pay someone to clean and that has solved almost all of our problems. I STILL do the lionshare of things but we've managed to come to an agreement of sorts about what I won't do so he better do it - and he knows it.

Maybe you need to re-evaluate if he is truly engaged in the relationship. Your symptoms sound exactly like mine were years ago - and he wasn't engaged in our relationship at all.