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DH invited Mother in law to stay with us!!!!!! UGH! DH invited Mother in law to stay with us!!!!!! UGH!

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Unread 11-16-2007, 05:54 PM
DH invited Mother in law to stay with us!!!!!! UGH!

too much ... I may take some of these tips for Thanksgiving. My MIL really is a sweetie and we've always gotten along well, but she said that it didn't take her 6 weeks to heal. She had a vaginal uterus removal, just because the doc wanted to when she had a bladder tack. I think it was for birth control reasons.

Anyway, I called and explained everything that was being done and how scared I was with the cancer. She seemed to better understand. She asked if I would ok with me, if she didn't come. We don't like for her to drive.

So, then she thought that I didn't need company for Thanksgiving, so we should drive 4 hrs to her house. Now, she wants to bring gobs of food to our house with 7 guests total. She said that you won't have to do a thing and we don't expect you to do anything.

I told my DH and he agreed that I may just have to hide out at times.

Good luck with your MIL. Your hubby should take care of her needs.
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Unread 11-17-2007, 05:29 AM
DH invited Mother in law to stay with us!!!!!! UGH!

You poor, poor girl. This surgery is not pleasant, and having the added stress of an unwanted person who is not going to help you will not decrease your stress at all. Sounds like he wants MIL for himself, not for you. Tell him 'NO', and help him find another way to ease his stress (I really was amazed at how emotionally stressful this is for DH, they don't have much say in it, and they are expected to do things that they have not been expected to do before, like go grocery shopping).

Who will orient MIL to your home? to your needs? who will set up her accomodations before surgery? who will clean up when she's gone? will you be expected to chat with her all day (one of the best things when DH went back to work, and DDs were in school, was total peace and quiet in house, being able to rest when I wanted to rest.) In all honesty, I have still not (and will never) tell my mother that I had surgery, and waited until the night before discharge to tell my sisters, since one of them is not easy to deal with, and I did not want her at Hospital. DH respected those wishes, because he understood the stress of two of these reslationships.

DH needs to put your needs first. Anything that adds to your stress is a no-no.
Unread 11-17-2007, 08:50 AM
DH invited Mother in law to stay with us!!!!!! UGH!

I totally agree that stress is a no-no. I had no idea that my stress tolerance would be about zero following surgery.

My hubby has been great around the house, but he's always done lots of stuff. He really hasn't talked much about things. He didn't realize how much I needed him to be at hospital when my doc came around with the pathology report. He stayed when he realized the importance to me. I don't think he meant any disrespect. I think he just wanted to go to work and return for my dismissal. Anyway, he was there for the good news of getting all of my cancer out.
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Unread 11-17-2007, 10:17 AM
DH invited Mother in law to stay with us!!!!!! UGH!

OMG! You ladies are hysterical. I'm only 2 weeks post-op and it still hurts when I laugh!!

My hubby did the same thing to me. The difference is, I LOVE MY MIL!! She is totally helpful and very sweet. He set up my post op care (because unfortunately, he had to go back to work right away). My dear friend of 28 years flew in the first week and my MIL was asked to come the 2nd week. I am a TERRIBLE patient. I don't like to have people do things for me because I'm usually the one doing for the others. :superman:

Before my surgery, I asked my DH to PLEASE ask his mom not to come because I felt like I'd need to be sure the house was cleaned (both before she got here and during her visit) and that I would need to entertain her. He wanted her to come so that I wouldn't overdue it (He was going to be out of town from day 12 post op to day 16). I think he was feeling guilty. I told him that by week 2, I should be able to get up and fix a sandwich or snack for myself. The only thing I really needed help with was transporting my two DD (ages 12 and 15) to and from school.

DH and I argued about this even several days post op. I asked him again to call his mother because I really felt like I could handle things at home while he was gone. I thought it was dumb for her to fly in to drive the DDs to and from school and to watch me sleep! Within 2 hours of this last little discussion, he received a call from my MIL. FIL had been in an accident (nothing serious) and had fractured a bone in his foot. It was then that he stepped up and told his mom not to worry about coming in, that we'd be okay without her! I can't help but wonder what would have happened to FIL if he had only made the call earlier!!

Hang in there sister! If you really don't want her there, tell DH that you'd feel like you need to clean and entertain whle she's here when all you really want to do is rest and get well. If that doesn't work, stay in the jammies and sleep! ( or at least fake it)
Unread 11-17-2007, 06:27 PM
DH invited Mother in law to stay with us!!!!!! UGH!

My MIL and I do not care for each other a bit. Over the years, I have learned to just tolerate the times I'm around her and to kill her with kindness. It seems she thrives on getting me upset.

Get some earplugs. Do as the other sisters suggest and blame it on medication. Heck, do you get nauseated from the pain pills? This would be the perfect time to hurl on MIL.

I really feel for you. I was lucky enough that my MIL is too selfish to even consider coming over to help me. Heck, she offered to cook a meal for the family, but ended up eating it herself after she cooked it. I've learned to not even comment about my MIL, because it is something about a man and his mother, no matter how horrible she is, she's still his mother.

I know it seems so horrible, and it is, but sometimes things are beyond our control. Men are dunces and just don't get it. Just try not to get upset about it. Lay around and play it up, if you need to. You may not need to play it up, because you do need to keep in mind that you are still healing.

Vomit on her and you'll feel so much better.
Unread 11-18-2007, 02:00 PM
DH invited Mother in law to stay with us!!!!!! UGH!

hehe thanks guys... ubby said he wold do it all to get ready - just for me to make a list

I made a list for my husband of everything he'll need to do for he visit - laundry, cleaning gues room, mopping, and then a detailed gocery list of things he will need to get- scheduled out every meal with a list of indgredients for 3 meals a day (+ thanksgiving) for one week (it was huge!!!!). He started working on the list a little here and there, much later I heard him upstairs on the phone afterwards telling her not come!

Thanks to everyone or making me not feel guilty about this and know my dread was normal!
Unread 11-19-2007, 12:08 AM
DH invited Mother in law to stay with us!!!!!! UGH!

That's wonderful news! Good for your hubby, stepping up to help you out . I'm sure the look on his face was priceless when you gave him the list. I wonder what was more overwhelming for him. The grocery list or the cleaning ?

My friends and I have always said that our husbands would flip out if they even tried to do half of what we end up doing.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving. I've decided to keep it VERY LOW key this year. Just my DH and two DDs. I am planning on hanging out in my PJ's ALL DAY LONG!
Unread 11-19-2007, 07:35 AM
DH invited Mother in law to stay with us!!!!!! UGH!

Thanksgiving is truly for being thankful this year. Low Key is a good way to go.

My list was lengthy to prepare for my in-laws who insisted on coming for dinner on Friday. My list has 35 items on it and I need to add some more. I told my hubby that I usually do most of it. He said well, you never do "this." (one especially difficult item) I said you are right. He helps out lots. I probably do 25/35 items. I reminded him that I typically take a day off work to do nothing, but clean when company (his family or mine) is coming. I'm usually exhausted by the time they get here.

Fortunately, my kids are helping with the list.
Unread 11-19-2007, 08:55 AM
DH invited Mother in law to stay with us!!!!!! UGH!

This is great, Synzi! You certainly handled the MIL problem! I'm still smiling at your cleverness.

(11 days after TAH and doing well)
Unread 11-19-2007, 08:57 AM
DH invited Mother in law to stay with us!!!!!! UGH!

Yay, Sunzi!

And to think that dh decided on his own that it would be best if his mother didn't come. You didn't have to be "the bad guy". Good for you.

I hope you and your family enjoy your Thanksgiving. Relax and let it be low-key.


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