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Problems with friends Problems with friends

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Unread 12-03-2007, 06:26 PM
Problems with friends

celestalarcher- I know you must be getting lonely. Maybe you should call some of your friends and see what they are up too. I know they should be calling you but maybe you will find that they were giving you time to heal and rest before coming by. Some ones like to be alone after surgery and might feel like others feel the same way. Or, maybe they just felt a little uncomfortable calling you or coming by because they feel like they are intruding or bothering you. Either way I know at the two week mark you get really bored being in the house and maybe just calling your friends on the phone and chatting about what is going on in the outside world will cheer you up and they just might ask if it is okay to come over and visit or offer to come by and bring lunch.

I hate for you to feel neglected.

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Unread 12-03-2007, 06:34 PM
Problems with friends

Originally Posted by HuggieBear
xoxo, I know exactly what you mean! Most of my friends have been wonderful, it's my mom who is the problem. Don't get me wrong, she's brought food and stuff like that. But I keep getting comments about how her two sisters had their surgeries upteen years ago and they didn't take anywhere near this long to recover. I just remind her what the dr. said and what this website says, but it is extremely frustrating. Also, she has never had a major surgery. One lumpectomy and a broken ankle. Sorry but that is not the same thing. It wouldn't be so bad but we talk every day, and I think she reminds me at least every other day.

Roseptl, I am so sorry to hear about your incision. That is terrible. Please let us know what your doctor decides to do to help you. I will be praying for you.

mollymolly, Doing laundry and cooking at two weeks! I am still only helping my wonderful boys sort the laundry and they are doing the rest. I helped supervise them cooking spaghetti last Wed. and it wore me out. Had to sit in a chair, take a pain pill and wait for the pain to lessen before I could make my way back to the couch. I am so glad that your doctor told you what they did. I just went for my four week checkup today. Dr. said that I am healing beautifully, but am still restricted as far as activity for at least two, if not four, more weeks. I finally went back to church yesterday morning. I only made the morning service, not the evening, and I came home with a backache so bad that I had to take one of my leftover pain pills and just lay around on the couch for the rest of the day.

We ladies need to remember to listen to our bodies and the people who actually know what they are talking about (our doctors and hystersisters) and block everyone else out. Stress is not helpful during the recovery process.

Wishing all of you a better day tomorrow than today!
Huggiebear--I know what you mean about mom's sometimes they don't think. My mom comes to my house and goes on and on about how crazy the house looks and how unorganized it is when she knows I can't do much housework. It only stresses me out to have her come help. I am almost glad she was in Rome for my first 3 weeks post op. Sorry your mom is frustrating you. Thank goodness for the hyster sisters!!!
Unread 12-04-2007, 06:46 AM
Problems with friends

Hi sisters,

I have been soooooooo blessed to have filtered through the "friends" and found my true soulmate ladies. My pastor made a comment once that you only have a handful of people in your inner circle. I have come to realize that is so true.

I too have heard the comparisons and last night had someone tell me they were up and about in 1 week!! It really does bother me, I felt bad and unloaded the dishwasher--what a HUGE mistake! I had to take a pain pill and sit the rest of the night! I am trying to remind myself that these are the people that are NOT in my inner circle.

Thanks for sharing and letting me share!

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Unread 12-04-2007, 07:43 AM
Problems with friends


Your friends may be trying to be thoughtful and give you enough time to heal before they come blasting into your home. Some of my friends told me that they waited to give me time to feel up to "company". I took it as their way of loving me. If you're not sure what's going on, put out feelers that you would appreciate some visitors. Let them know that you are getting bored and starting to go stir-crazy.

Wishing you the best!
Unread 12-04-2007, 07:54 AM
Problems with friends

Originally Posted by xoxo
Huggiebear--I know what you mean about mom's sometimes they don't think. My mom comes to my house and goes on and on about how crazy the house looks and how unorganized it is when she knows I can't do much housework. It only stresses me out to have her come help. I am almost glad she was in Rome for my first 3 weeks post op. Sorry your mom is frustrating you. Thank goodness for the hyster sisters!!!
xoxo, God actually gave me a break after my surgery. Not to be ugly, but my mom got sick right at the time of my procedure. She was able to be at the hospital that day, but she wouldn't come near me. It was almost two weeks before she was able to come around me. She ended up with a bad case of bronchitis, which the doctor said was very contagious. She tries too hard to take care of me, and I find it sooooooo annoying. I am almost 40, and I can't stand being treated like I'm four years old. I guess I shouldn't complain too much, at least I still have my mom here with me.

Have a great day!
Unread 12-04-2007, 08:43 AM
Problems with friends

My sister had a hysterectomy and bladder sling 2 years ago. I had never known any one else to have a hysterectomy. She lived far away from me and I did offer to come help her which she declined, so I never saw her in her recovery. I remember being shocked when she told me weeks after the surgery that she was now cleared to drive and how she was sorting out old magazines and carrying 5 or 6 magazines at a time down the stairs. I thought she was such a wimp! (I did keep my thoughts to myself and was supportive)

Now that I have had my hysterectomy I have had to tell her what a wimp I thought she was, and apologize for not insisting on being there for her. She has definitely been there for me.

My point is, I was pretty ignorant of what was involved. People who have no experience in this could probably use some education. And I guess the final point I am just beginning (at 3 weeks post op) to understand, is that healing right and not overdoing it, is not a matter of being tough or not, it will affect the success of the surgery for years to come.
Unread 12-04-2007, 08:52 AM
Problems with friends

CelestialArcher - I am sorry you are sad. I am beginning to think that our friends are just at a loss as to how to handle us. Also I think some women are plain ol scared because after all they could be in our shoes one day!

Take care of yourself and remember you have lots of friends here!
Unread 12-04-2007, 10:14 AM
Problems with friends

i have had a couple of close friends make weird comments.

one said, after my 6 week post op appt, "did the doctor tell you won't die from a little pain?". yesterday she called and asked how i'm doing. i just said "fine, getting better all the time". she asked me "is that your pat answer now?". so you see, ****ed if you tell, ****ed if you don't.

and another friend said "you don't want to go out and do things anymore" and i was only at about week 3 in recovery then. i had to actually remind her that i'm still taking pain meds every 3-6 hours!!!

both of these women were very outspoken about being "pro" me having a hysterectomy. both said "get that thing out of you!".

although they both have been supportive and brought over a lot of meals and such. neither held their tongue and made those comments.

it bothered me, but i'm letting it roll because i know they are good friends and are not being malicious. they just don't understand what i am going through.

i'm still hurting, and i get tired, and don't like to stray too far from home yet. i just don't talk about it to those friends anymore.

we are living with our recovery day to day, these people are not. they are going on with their lives, while ours is on hold for now. maybe mutual understanding is called for at times like these.

real friends stick. through thick and thin. the rest come and go, or fade away. it's all fine. that's just life.

do what you must to take care of yourself. try not to stress about it all too much.

Unread 12-04-2007, 04:51 PM
Problems with friends

OMG- It's shameful that other women can be so insensitive to women! This is when your friends should do whatever they can to support and help. They may not understand what you are going through, but why don't they ask? All in all, it's sad to be disapointed in your friends. I certainly know now that I've not been understanding enough of others in their recovery. I promise, I'll do better in the future. I have one friend that has come close to making comments- my DH has been a buffer, and it's made me re-evaluate the commitment I have to our friendship.
Unread 12-04-2007, 05:44 PM
Problems with friends


While I didn't necessarily have problems with friends, I was one of those people who believed that since I was keeping my ovaries, I wouldn't have any emotional swings. Boy, was I wrong. I actually shrieked at one of my colleagues so bad that I was mortified and thought I was going crazy. I literally thought I needed to be on meds. To this day, and I'm three months post-op, I still get the PMS hormone swings. The problem is that my body doesn't prepare for a period so I have to physically remind myself that I'm having PMS so I don't act all crazy again.

As for the people who want you to do stuff, I would say that sometimes good intentions get can mixed up with being pushy and hurting feelings. What I really think your friends are looking for is a way to keep you occupied as a lot of women report that they are tremendously bored. I happen to be extremely social, so I couldn't wait for my friends to take me places and come visit. Also, I'm a little bit of a drama queen, so I didn't mind being the center of attention and a little bit pampered. If that's not you, that's okay.

But, I would remember that they're trying to be helpful. Therefore, instead of them pushing you into what you don't want to do, maybe you could instead push them into doing what you would like to do. So, when someone wants you to go somewhere, how about instead suggesting that they pick you up a coffee, some ice cream, etc., and stop by for a short visit. Set the time when the end of the visit would be self-created - such as a time when they have to go pick up a child from a school activity or a time when you need to prepare for dinner, bed, etc., so that they'll get the hint and leave. If they don't, you can politely suggest they leave with a line like, "Well, I suppose I have to start making dinner. I hate to have to cut our visit short as we haven't seen each other lately, but I'll give you a call later in the week." It may work, it may not. However, you don't want their misled good intentions now to be a cause of your friendship's demise later.

Good luck.

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