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Problems with friends Problems with friends

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Unread 12-05-2007, 05:58 PM
Problems with friends

Today is a great example... My two sisters, totally unsupportive, are trying to get me to take time off work to take my father to the doctor. I have taken time off for my hysterectomy, medical leave, followups, hormone checkups, etc. One sister doesn't work, the other has tenure as a teacher. But I should take more time off work.
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Unread 12-05-2007, 07:29 PM
Problems with friends

My friends have been the opposite of many of the friends mentioned here. My 2 best friends on earth who are more like sisters are totally ignoring me. My one friend called the day of surgery leaving a voicemail asking when the surgery was scheduled. I only told her 3 times when it was. She talked to my dh the day after surgery, called once yesterday while I was in a pain med induced coma and said should call back, never did. My other friend, well I haven't heard anything from her. They both live in different states than me, So calling or sending a card, note or anything would be nice since they can't visit. I am very hurt. Shall I call them and find out what their problems are or forget it?
Unread 12-05-2007, 07:35 PM
Problems with friends

Unfortunatly, I am going to have to cut one friends out of my life. I have had many hurtful things said to me from many of my friends and I know from almost all of them they really don't mean to hurt me. Most of my friends really just don't understand and are just not thinking. But, for one of my friends this treatment has gone on long enough. She seems to always take the most private hurtful things in my life and sling them verbally on me whenever she gets even a little upset. She will take the things she knows that I have said to her in confidence that bother me or make me sad and purposely say them when she is mad to "hurt" me. I am still not sure why she does this but she does. She likes to make me feel bad and is always asking constant questions about my life so she can find things to use against me later. It has been this way for months now but I keep giving her another chance. I know some of you may feel like I should continue to give her chances but I can't she really beats me down verbally. The comments she made about my hysterectomy have been the last straw. I realize now that I need to not only take care of my life physically but also mentally and emotionally. Which includes ending her verbal abuse. I am confident the doctor is right and I will get my quality of life back physically from my TAH. So, I am also going to use this time to better myself emotionally and mentally and although this is really killing me to lose a friend who I thought was a close friend, I would rather feel sad and lonely then be constantly belittled. I know it may sound extreme to some of you who don't know everything she has done and said to me.But, IMHO I really think that if anyone has a friend that makes you feel bad about yourself and criticizes all of your decisions and likes to point out your flaws but continues to tell you that they are the best friend you will ever! Stressing about the mean things she has said to me this week, I feel has even effected my recovery. We deserve to have good supportive friends who although might say something unkind every now and then, would be there for us if we need them. Just like we will be there for them too! Sorry for the long post, but I needed to vent!!!!
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Unread 12-05-2007, 07:42 PM
Problems with friends

Originally Posted by justonian
My friends have been the opposite of many of the friends mentioned here. My 2 best friends on earth who are more like sisters are totally ignoring me. My one friend called the day of surgery leaving a voicemail asking when the surgery was scheduled. I only told her 3 times when it was. She talked to my dh the day after surgery, called once yesterday while I was in a pain med induced coma and said should call back, never did. My other friend, well I haven't heard anything from her. They both live in different states than me, So calling or sending a card, note or anything would be nice since they can't visit. I am very hurt. Shall I call them and find out what their problems are or forget it?
I would give them another week. I am sure they will be calling you soon. Maybe they are just giving you time to heal before they call. I am sure they really care about you and are thinking about you daily. I am sorry you feel hurt. I am sending hugs your way!
Unread 12-05-2007, 07:57 PM
Problems with friends

A friend of mine disappointed me 'big time' and am pretty much happy I had to go through this experience (surgery) because it did give me more clarity about who my real friends are. So I'll just 'get over it' - friends who end up being 'plastic' are not worth it! But I did have a good experience on the other hand, when I noticed my mother helping me out alot for the very first time. It actually shocked me. My mother and I were never close. This was the opportunity and it was very nice.

By the way Comfortable Lady..... you mentioned your boss is asking when you're going back to work? I feel the same way as you do... tired! I had my 1st doc's check up yesterday and he said I can't go back yet! another two more weeks perhaps. I had my surgery 1 week earlier than you did. What are you going to do? I just told my boss what my doc. said. (normally it's after 6 weeks). My boss is getting anxious too but I also have to do what's right for me. Please take care of yourself.
Unread 12-05-2007, 09:38 PM
Problems with friends


I am so sorry about your friend and the way your friendship is ending. However, I do believe that you must do what is best for you. Only you truly know what this person has put you through, and just how much you can handle. Sometimes God uses the trials in our lives to give us clarity in other areas that need our attention. Wishing you the very best!

Now can I just vent for a bit?! My mom is at it again. I picked her up tonight to bring her to my house for a visit before taking her to church with my family. She does not drive, never has. Anyway, I tried to open up to her about my health concerns (not one decent night of sleep in 4 1/2 weeks, a horrendous headache EVERY day, bladder control issues - since the surgery, the terrible backaches I have been having, etc. She says something like "Oh". That was it! And then she proceeded to tell me that my eyes look puffy, red, have dark circles under them and just look terrible. Duh, I just told you I'm NOT sleeping! Then she says "your hair has gotten darker since your surgery", her way of telling me that my hair is not looking up to par. My hair has not gotten darker since surgery, I'm still blond. I finally told her that I was upset with her because she seems to be way more concerned with how I look than how I'm feeling or recovering. She got a little snippy with me. So I just went and took a shower. After we got to church and I got out of the Sunday school teachers meeting, she came up and apologized and told me that she really does love me. I know that she does, but she is driving me absolutely CRAZY!

My sister, who I really do love, lives in a world that revolves solely around her. She had her appendix removed a few years back, and we all heard about it repeatedly for over six long months. But for some strange reason, she can't seem to grasp to hugeness of this surgery. It is not just the recovery (which is a whole deal in and of itself), but I have been thrown into instant surgical menopause at 39 years old. For the most part part, I think I am handling it ok. But there are moments of extreme emotion, irrational fits of irritability, and just an overall awareness of how much my body and life have changed - forever. Why is it that the people we love the most sometimes understand us the least?

I am trying so hard to just focus on the positive. I am doing so much better today than I was even one week ago. Not to mention, I will never have to worry about cancer of the ovaries, uterus or cervix. (I spent the entire two weeks before my surgery wrestling with that and that was not a fun time.)

Sisters, I am so sorry to go on and on but I honestly have no one else to talk to about this stuff. My DH is sooooooo tired of hearing about my family dramas. He is planning to buy me a book for Christmas titled Boundaries (I think), which is all about setting boundaries within your extended family. I promised to read it. And thank God he talked me down tonight! I was ready to call a family meeting and just lay it all on the table. Probably not the smartest move with my hormones zigging and zagging all over the place.
Unread 12-05-2007, 10:25 PM
Problems with friends


I am sorry to hear about your family in their own world. Mom's what can you say about them. One thing I know is my mom never seems to say or do what I wish she would do. Don't you wish they would just tell you how much they are thinking about you and love you and support you? Or, tell you how no matter how much sleep you are not getting you still look beautiful. Or, maybe they could just listen and respond with sweet comments like, " I am sure you will get some good sleep here soon, I will be praying for you", Or " Don't be so hard on yourself it will take time to heal and don't worry about your hair right now, you still look great." sometimes it would just be nice to have them listen and give us a big hug and don't say anything at all. Well, we grasp the hugeness of this surgery and you are not alone. I really do think that if no one else will pamper you. You should pamper you. Maybe reading that book your dh suggested and getting your favorite blanket and cup of tea would be a nice treat. Or, maybe when you feel up to it, get your nails done or something else to pamper yourself. I am noticing just how hard it is for women especially to put themselves first. Maybe fear of being selfish or always being the caretaker. Your family sounds like they really do love you, but I know what you mean why does it seem like they understand us the least sometimes.

Unread 12-06-2007, 01:41 AM
Problems with friends


It takes so much courage to not only evaluate friendships for what they truly are, but also do something about them. I think you should be very proud of yourself for being able to end a friendship that is destructive, because it's hard to do!

It's also hard to know how to handle your other friends who aren't being supportive about your hysterectomy. I think you'll have to look at each of them the way you did this friend who was so obviously undeserving of your friendship. Is their behavior regarding your hysterectomy unusual, or are they behaving like they usually do? I'm just so sorry that you haven't gotten the support from them that we ALL need.

Is it possible that your friends are just as clueless as I was? I have to admit how ignorant I was before the possibility of a hyst. became a reality for me. I truly thought techniques were so advanced I would be going home a few hours after the "procedure" (I didn't even think of it as a true surgery!), and that I would be completely better within a week or two! I'm just grateful no one I know went through this before me. I would have some major eating crow to do!

Whatever you decide to do about your friends, I'm just glad you are making your recovery the priority it has to be!
Unread 12-06-2007, 10:13 AM
Problems with friends

Thank you TulipToo for being encouraging. My other friends are fine. They have said things that have hurt me but I really think it is because they don't really understand. Not that I haven't said things that might have rubbed them the wrong way at times. I am NO way near perfect as a friend. These friends I just forgive and try and forget. I know they really care for me and like you said are just clueless about my surgery.

It is just that one friend that I have to remove from my life, it is really not healthy for me to be friends with her. I really care about her, but she hurts me on purpose not accidently and she is demeaning. She is still leaving sarcastic messages on my phone and my dh's even today. So, I know I made the right decision..... thank you so much for your kind words. But, we have to put our recovery first right.
Unread 12-06-2007, 10:36 AM
Problems with friends

It is so true we see who is really here for us after our surgeries.
In my case ,the female members of my family are not supportive at all, my stepfather has been a big help-cooks my meals, drive me to appointments and do errands for me. My mom passed away 3 years ago.
My co workers and boss are nice they have no clue what surgery I had but they figured it was major since Iam on 6 week leave. They call me all the time cracking me up. The person who Iam seeing has been a total prince really being attentive etc.
Through our surgeries we learned we are stronger than think and deserve to be treated with respect.
One lesson I learned is patience and rest. Iam an active person always taking care of other now it is my time. I also observed the ones I would go all out my way for are no where to be found while those I wouldnt expect are very supportive.

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