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Problems with friends Problems with friends

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Unread 12-06-2007, 11:37 AM
Problems with friends

Remember that one of the most basic rules of psychology is that the most important person to you, is you. They are thinking primarily of themselves. And you have to think primarily of yourself. Four words is all you should have to say.
" I don't feel good"
It covers a wide area of speculation, it's direct, and it has a powerful meaning. They can't argue it. For 30 seconds of silence after you say it, say nothing else. How they handle the silence will make or break the "friendship".

Since you can't please everyone, please yourself. Be well, get well, and we're all thinking you you.
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Unread 12-06-2007, 05:57 PM
Problems with friends

Originally Posted by HORTICULTURIST
Remember that one of the most basic rules of psychology is that the most important person to you, is you. They are thinking primarily of themselves. And you have to think primarily of yourself. Four words is all you should have to say.
" I don't feel good"
It covers a wide area of speculation, it's direct, and it has a powerful meaning. They can't argue it. For 30 seconds of silence after you say it, say nothing else. How they handle the silence will make or break the "friendship".

Since you can't please everyone, please yourself. Be well, get well, and we're all thinking you you.
Well I went to the doctor and he told me what I already knew, I was depressed because I don't have any hormones. But because I have a history of breast cancer in my family, I have a choice to make.

My sister said to me, You're depressed? Do you need to be hospitalized? I hung up on her! What a great support group, thank God for my husband, unfortunately, he is out of town right now.
Unread 12-07-2007, 03:37 AM
Problems with friends

It is hard when our main support frame breaks down as that is what our friendships are to us. I had a situation occur previously and it was a hard pill to swallow.

I am thankful for my DH as he is a shoulder to lean on but looks as things in life so differently than I do. It's funny because after I met him I started to stand up for myself more and of course people had a lot to say to me about my attitude then. So maybe it isn't just because of the surgery/hormones talking but the way you are looking at life now and it is a threat to those friends.

I agree about the hormone issues. I am having a problem with them as well and it is hard to decide is it the hormones or my own opinions.

I have a friend and my son plays with her granddaughter. They had a prearranged playdate for Monday but I found out on Monday, the grandmother had a cold and the granddaughter was sick the week before. It was too cold and blustery for the kids to play outside so I said my son couldn't play. Yes he was dissappointed and the grandmother was upset as well. I don't want my son to get sick as I am not well enough to take care of him and I don't want to end up sick well trying to recovery from surgery and she was upset with me.....I was thinking lady where is your head?

But that is part of people and their nature. I am trying to hold my temper but it doesn't always work either and it seems that I am more irritiable than normal due to hormones. That is life. I am at a point where I don't care about others as I am just too tired and frustrated. I am doing the best I can within the limits I have.

I have already warned everyone the best like what they are getting for Christmas this year because if not, their gifts will be going back to the store and I will be using the refund to get what I want for ME!
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Unread 12-07-2007, 09:54 AM
Problems with friends

I can really understand how you feel about friends not being understanding of how you are feeling. I am 38 and had a vaginal hysterectomy 3 weeks ago and just because there is no external visible wound, people seem to think it's not so bad. If only they could feel how I feel right now! A friend who once had a caesarean section even tries to compare the two surgeries and is of the opinion that having a caesarean is much worse than a vaginal hysterectomy, and then went on to say I should be back on my feet much faster than she was after her surgery!! How can someone else judge how you should be feeling or how quickly you should be able to be back to your old self?
It is such a shame that there are so many people who don't understand that a vaginal hysterectomy is a major surgical procedure and the body needs time to heal after going through that trauma.
Now that it's almost Christmas, we get all sorts of invitations to go to parties and dinners and have had to decline but many friends just don't understand that afer just 3 weeks, you don't feel up to all that just yet.
They then say: "But it's been 3 weeks now, so surely you can come and have some fun with us".
Even my own mother-in-law gave me funny looks when I told her I am not able to do certain things around the house yet and that really hurts. I tried to explain to her that the doctor instructed me not to do those things for 6 weeks but she has made some remarks that make it quite obvious that she thinks it's about time I should be doing more by now instead of having to ask my husband to do the vacuuming etc.
I wish that people would stop comparing their own recovery (or someone they know) from whatever they've had in the past, to someone else's surgery, as they are not doctors and have no idea what a person is going through if they haven't had the same procedure themselves. Besides, every person is an individual and it can really vary how quickly you bounce back afterwards.
If there was more support and understanding from friends and relatives, it would make the recovery time a lot less stressful.
Unread 12-07-2007, 11:40 AM
Problems with friends

I know the feeling!! I was happy my DD didnt complain that I needed to avoid certain things like carrying in groceries and vacuuming. She did it all for the 6 weeks with out a complaint, (not often) heh heh There is a list here on this site of do's and don'ts, maybe you can print out a few dozen and pass them out when anyone gives you crap!!! I was the lucky one, the people who matter the most all understood, the rest, I didnt care to even waste my breath, so hence the printed list!!! GOOD LUCK and Happy Healing!!
Unread 12-07-2007, 04:28 PM
Problems with friends

a few thoughts:

last year i had half my thyroid removed right before xmas. it was such a relief to me that i didn't have to deal with all the holiday b.s.! enjoy it this year. next year it's back to the same old routine of endless obligations.

i had a c section 16 years ago, and a friend of mine just had one recently. my recovery was awful. she was up and around the hospital right away! proof you just can't compare.

speaking of c sections, my TAH was at least 10 time worse! and i'm comparing me to me. and this surgery made my thyroid surgery look like a walk in the park, and they also called that major surgery.

just as every person is different, so is every surgery. and so is our reaction to anesthesia different each time. it's unpredictable.

let all these people and obligations just slide off your back. it just isn't worth all the stress and anxiety it brings.

focus on your healing, health, and happiness, and things will all work out in the end.

happy holiday healing sistahs!
Unread 12-14-2007, 12:54 PM
Problems with friends

Don't let what they say bother you. You know your own body, and if you don't listen to it and take care of it, nobody else will do that for you.....keep surrounding yourself with people who make you feel good ....I've cancelled a party that I was supposed to have here on the 21st...I'm just not up for it....I told everyone we can meet our for pizza or something....I'm sorry this is happening
Unread 12-14-2007, 02:25 PM
So happy for hyster sisters and kind doctor!!

Last night was the night before my six week check-up. And, I couldn't sleep at all. Part of me was worried about the exam and the other part of me had everything that my "friends" said running through my head. I started thinking maybe it is just me and my friends are right I am lazy and should be back to my regular activites. But, when I went to the doctor today my doctor was so kind and compassionate. She told me that with everything I had going on inside and the vertical incision placed over old incisions and the huge fibroid she is not the least bit surprised I am healing the pace I am. I also have another bacterial infection and bad tugging pain. She is changing my pain meds(I was nervous to ask for more) she brought it up herself saying that it is not okay that I am not controling my pain and I am on restriction for two more weeks. Poor dh. I did get the okay to take a bath.
My "friend" called to find out the details of my visit, she found out about it from another friend. After, telling her half of everything she said, "well, hope you get better soon," no offer of help or anything of course. But, she is the same one that dropped her preschooler off for me to watch the day before my surgery while I was on a liquid diet and doing my bowel prep. I need to learn the word "NO".
Unread 12-14-2007, 10:09 PM
Problems with friends

xoxo, that just sounds incredibly insensitive of your "friend" on both accounts! just keeping doing what the doctor orders and remember, we are still princesses! take good care of yourself.
Unread 12-15-2007, 09:23 AM
Problems with friends

I'm so glad you ended that hurtful relationship! I had to do the same thing after my hyst. It wasn't easy, but I did it. She had her hyst a few months before I had mine. I saw her last night at a dinner with coworkers from my previous job. I knew she'd be there. She's apparently the same person she was before surgery, acting all nicey-nice while she's trying to think up some good digs. lol But she behaved and only quietly mentioned my lazy eye looking normal lol I was very weak before surgery and all my little health problems were more noticeable. Now that I'm healthy, I'm happier, and unwilling to put up with toxic people.
I pray you gain the strength and confidence you need to keep toxic people out of your life! I wish nothing but health and happiness for you in your recovery and after! All the best to all the wonderful ladies here, and to those who helped me so much during my recovery!

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