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Problems with friends Problems with friends

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  #61  
Unread 12-19-2007, 05:14 PM
Problems with friends

I have a 'friend' who was misinformed about something I had supposedly done and has kept this to herself for almost a year and held a grudge against me while I was completely unaware of it. Then, the evening before I went into hospital to have the hysterectomy (I was already very weak and anaemic after having lost a lot of blood from continuous haemorrhaging and a recent D&C), she decided to call me to 'sort out this problem that she had with me'!! What kind of timing is that?
It turned out, that what she was angry about was a total misunderstanding in the first place so this confrontation didn't even have to happen, had she just asked me when it just happened a year ago.
However, she was angry anyway, and was not open to reason. I was completely stunned by her anger and asked her why she decided to call me about this just the day before my surgery, to which she replied: "Oh well, I know there's never a right time to sort anything out, but I just felt like talking about it once and for all!".
I was so upset by her insensitivity to what I was going through at that time and to just dump her hard feelings on me at the worst possible moment. I didn't sleep all night and instead of emotionally dealing with going through the surgery, I was all absorbed by the confrontation I just had with my friend.

Two weeks after my surgery she did come past and we talked things over, but she is still not sorry for having done what she did, at the worst possible time. She is of the opinion that when one feels like it, you should be able to talk about hard feelings.

I have been invited to a dinner tomorrow with a group of very dear friends, but that 'friend' will be there too, and I still don't know whether I should go or not. The emotional wounds are still too fresh for me to just sit there and pretend like nothing ever happened.
I still get really tired as well, so for that reason I have my doubts whether I should go, but I worry that they may not understand.
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  #62  
Unread 12-19-2007, 07:14 PM
Problems with friends

Lotte M

I am sorry to hear that your 'friend' picked a horrible time to confront you about her feelings. The night before surgery is so stressful and then to have to deal with that phone call on top of things. If you don't feel up to going to dinner then you should stay home and listen to your body. I have gone places with friends so as to not hurt feeelings, only to pay for it later from pushing myself. It is not selfish of you to stay home and heal. I think that your dear friends will understand. I know the last thing you want to deal with during recovery is this drama from your 'friend'.
  #63  
Unread 12-19-2007, 07:53 PM
Problems with friends

Lotte, you should not only go, but live life to the fullest. Living well is the best revenge.

This woman is NOT your friend. She is an aquaintance and you need to be cordial, but not buddy buddy with her.

Realize that you are worth far more than her tirade.

She had no right to do what she did to you.....20/20 hindsight, you should have told her that you were busy and hung up on her before she upset you, but again, that is 20/20 hindsight. LOL!

Anyway, GO! Have fun with your friends, be cordial to your former friend and enjoy the season!
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  #64  
Unread 12-19-2007, 08:58 PM
Problems with friends

I like your advice to Lotte M GizmoCat, so true!
  #65  
Unread 12-19-2007, 09:35 PM
Problems with friends

Thank you for your advice GismoCat and XOXO.

Yes, I agree that if I still go to the dinner I can show that I will not be affected by what that person has done. She is a very dramatic person and she is known to take out her frustrations on other people whenever something bad has happened to her in her personal life. I guess she decided it was time to take it out on me but her timing was very inappropriate.
I was actually resting the first time she phoned and my mum was at our place to help me with the kids. I had already had recent surgery and as this had not helped, I was very unwell. I had asked my mother to answer the phone and tell whoever rang that I was resting. So, my poor mum answered the phone when that 'friend' rang the first time. She asked to speak to me and my mum explained that I was unable to come to the phone as I was resting. She would not even believe that and started yelling at my mother for not getting me to speak to her!
That evening, she phoned back and I answered the phone that time (I was expecting a call from another person so I had to answer). She ripped into me straight away, about that 'incident' (which was a misunderstanding and I wish she would have gotten the facts straight before being so angry about it). I just stood there shaking while I got a non-stop stream of accusations and rude language thrown at me.
I could have hung up on her, but the damage was already done as I was shocked by what she said. I stayed very polite and said I was sorry that she felt I had done something wrong but that I would rather discuss it at a more appropriate time, when I felt up to dealing with such things, as I had more important things to cope with at that moment.
Just because I had said that, she became even more infuriated so obviously she is not open to any reason, let alone have any compassion for what another person is going through.
I worry that she may have influenced our other friends as well against me (the ones that will be at the dinner party as well), but I will try to keep my head up high when I see them, as I know I haven't done anything wrong. All the stress has affected me so much, that it doesn't help with recovering from a hysterectomy.
I've had many sleepless nights from worrying.

I is just beyond me how people can be so heartless and only think of their own needs. I wouldn't dream of confronting a person about any hard feelings when they're not well, let alone about to have surgery.
  #66  
Unread 12-19-2007, 10:26 PM
Problems with friends

Ditto above advice. Your friend is a drama queen who is self centered and it sounds also, a little unstable. Let's see, when any of your group of friends has a problem, she one ups with a big drama or confrontation or personal problem that is way bigger and more important. Think back, she has done this before.
This person is not a friend, she is poison. You are dealing with your surgery and recovery and worrying about her feelings? Over some junk from a year ago. Why she treats yo ubadly? She loves herself and drama and attention more than you. And she has figured out you are are food supply for this. You get upset and she sees this. She is what we call in the states, "a total **** stirrer." Do not put up with this kind of behavor. She has now turned your very serious medical issue into an issue about her drama. It is now all about her. Which is she wants and needs. This is one "friend" you need to cut off. Drop. Disengage. Be pleasant, cold and ignore her. Or screw up the nerve to tellher to "honkerblonk off" two words, and walk away, and mean it. And stick with it. No more discussion. No more talks. These kind of people work you over and wear you slick with 'talks" ...about them. "I, Me,My.." No more...I am sorry should ever come out of your mouth with this woman. You have done nothing to be sorry for. She knows exactly what she is doing. Yell at your mother? Done. Finished. Please try to quit worrying about what she or others think of you. She has pegged this as your insecurity and is feeding on it. She knows you are kind and a worrier. Turn off her food supply. Good luck, you can do this and you will see you have good and true freinds who do not treat you like crud to feed their own insecurities. I bet most of your friend circle is sick of her too and just has not figured out how to deal with her, her dominance and her constant drama.
  #67  
Unread 12-19-2007, 10:42 PM
Problems with friends

Lotte, I am sorry that this person put you through this garbage.

But, you know that you are a better person. I know that based on your posts. You are a Princess, and she is a pauper.

People who do what she did have major issues in their own lives. To feel better about themselves, they attack others.

Try to put it out of your mind and realize that:

A) You are happier than she will ever be

B) Karma is a powerful thing...what goes around, comes around.
  #68  
Unread 12-20-2007, 01:14 AM
Problems with friends

Lotte M, I had to get a book about toxic people from dealing with my own 'friend'. First off your 'friend' fits the bill of a toxic person. Second, I know that it is hard to deal with this person because it seems like no one else can see the way she really is, in the book it says these people are normally socially pleasing in gatherings. To other people they may seem sweet and kind or fun to be around. But, one point that this book really makes is that it can be extremely dangerous to keep up a friendship with these people, it can start effecting your health. Your stomach gets upset, you can't sleep. Your pulse gets going and you get anxious or sick. That is why it is so important to rid yourself of these types of people.

And, I can honestly tell you if others don't see the way she really is, they will eventually. It could take months or years but they will get a taste of her venom people like that always sip up and show their true colors no matter how much they try to put up an show of a 'nice' person. The reason I got with this 'friend' of mine in the first place is I started to befriend her because a casual friend of mine was being very blut and cold to her(didn't really understand why at the time). I felt badly being there when it happened not understanding everything and tried to be extremely kind to this 'friend' I didn't really know her and she seemed friendly so I felt bad and listened to ALL her hurt feelings about not getting invited some place that we were going (I wish I never did that). Well, she soaked it up and started being my friend. She thought I was so sweet and nice for being kind to her. Well, a year later her true colors came out and she started doing all types of crazy, and I do mean crazy stunts. Much like your 'friend', Lotte M. So, just the other day I had my friend over and I asked her point blank what happened between her and my 'friend' that made her act so cold and pull away. She started to explain all of this crazy stuff that she pulled with her and all the mean hateful things she would sling at her in private. And, I could finish her sentences, it was everything she was doing to me. So, it might take a little bit for everyone to see your 'friend' for who she is, but they will. So keep being yourself and everyone will continue to see that you are a good person and soon enough they will find out about your 'friend'. And, you will not lose your other friends, I am sure some of them have had issues with her they just might be keeping it quiet thinking they are the only ones.
  #69  
Unread 12-20-2007, 03:40 AM
Problems with friends

I am wondering if I can interject here and discuss a problem with a parent. My mom was over last night and I was telling her that during my DS's Christmas concert I cried at a few of the plays, not knowing if it was partly hormones or partly because my dd will be in one next year and it just made me a little sad to realize it.

I said I know my hormones are still a little crazy. My mom replies to me no "crap". My dad on the other had tried to comfort me by telling me how even reading Christmas cards this year he was crying. What is that? I really appreciate my Dad sticking up for me and saying that as well it really helped.

I have been having some problems with my mom even before my surgery and I wondered if she was going through some hormonal issues herself but she told me the doctor checked her hormones out and she was fine.

For the last few years she has appreciated any of the Christmas gifts my brother and I have given her and I am not the only one to notice, with having had the surgery this year and also with my hormones I know that I can't take her being unappreciative this year so I had a discussion with my Dad about it. Not sure if he talked to her about it but I felt better having told him because I don't want to confront her right now. I do wish to discuss this issue later. I would go the gift card way with her but she doesn't feel like it is a personal gift then, that I/we didn't take the time to pick out a gift she would like personally. So it is really a no win situation. By the way she complained about a pay as you go cell phone and a dvd player. I hope she likes her gift this year as my dad helped me pick it out.

It has gotten so bad and with her comments to me last night I don't even want to go to there house on Boxing Day because I just don't want to deal with her. The problem is there will be family there I don't see all the time and I do want to go and see them with my DH and our children.

There are other issues in this as well. My mom has turned into my grandma (bless her) in the last year of my grandma's life when she had dementia and also found out she had ovarian cancer. My grandma loved to joke around and had a sense of humour right up until we had no choice but to put her into a nursing home as we couldn't provide the care she needed on a regular basis.

Sorry I just really needed to vent about this topic. It really hurt me tonight when she said that about my hormones. I am glad that I have spoken to my dad about the Christmas presents and stuff as he really kept an eye on her during their short visit. When I asked my DD if she wanted a piece of zuchini bread, my mom replied okay. My dad asked if I had asked her because I was looking at my DD when I asked the question. My mom started to argue with him about who I was looking at and I finally said I was looking at my DD and said but I will get you a piece also. It is things like that also that is driving me nuts. Maybe I am started to turn into her (I hope not). I really don't want to turn into her. I really am hoping some of this is hormones and once my body is done adjusting I will be my old self again. I think that is one area of my life I am going to look at in the New Year and really try to make sure I am a happier and nicer person.

Thanks for letting me vent, I know this is a parental problem but it is also a relationship issue.
  #70  
Unread 12-20-2007, 06:55 AM
Problems with friends

Dear Wondering What,
I'm sorry to read about your problems with your mum. Perhaps you should make her read some of the information about hormonal changes after hysterectomies on this website as that might make her understand a bit better what you are going through. You have been through a lot physically and emotionally so that in itself is already enough to make you extra sensitive. I hope that once your body has re-adjusted to the changes, things will get easier for you. Nice that you have such a good relationship with your father. He seems like a very understanding person. Perhaps your mum can sense you have a closer bond in that respect with him and that may make her feel left out?
A big hug to you and I wish you a good recovery!

Davila, GismoCat and XOXO,
Thank you so much for your supportive messages! It has been so helful to read your suggestions. It made me feel a lot better. You all seem to have a very good insight into the type of person that 'friend' of mine is. It definitely does make me physically unwell, having this person to deal with.
You all have given me some useful things to consider and I agree it's best not to continue the friendship. I do see her very regularly though so it is almost impossible to completely ignore her or not speak to her. I will handle it as graciously as possible but distance myself enough to rise above the hurt & upset she's caused. She definitely is one of those toxic persons who always acts like the funny and charming person when in public, but beneath the surface is a very demanding and selfish person. She's always had to have a lot of attention and wherever she goes, there is drama in her life. She tends to look for hidden negative meanings behind everything a person says or does and bears grudges against many persons about things that have happened ages ago. I have tried to suggest to her before that she makes herself so unhappy by holding on to those hard feelings towards people and that it is better to forgive and move on.
She definitely is unstable (she has had previous episodes where this was evident) and I even wonder if she may suffer from what's known as paranoid personality disorder. I read a lot about it and it almost describes her to the letter. I feel very sad for her that she is so unhappy and her marriage & children suffer because of it as well.
All I can do I pray for her and hope that she will see some sense and let go of all that negativity & anger. Life is too short and precious and as GizmoCat wrote as well, I am happier than she is and I intend to keep it that way. I just hope she can be happy too one day, and it might take the Karma in her life to teach her that.

I have decided I will go to that dinner as I have the right to be able to enjoy myself when I want and she should not come between my relationship with my real friends. Even though I do get very tired, it is nice to go out after having been at home for a while.

A big hug to you all and thank you for the fantastic advice & support! It is so good to have this network of online sisters to share our experiences with.

From Lotte. XX
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