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DH not really stepping up... just as I feared. DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

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Unread 12-08-2007, 06:57 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

DH has been running the show (or, he's supposed to be) around our home now since early Tuesday morning. That's when I went into the hospital and I was released on Thursday afternoon.

I came home from the hospital to find the place a wreck (why did I straighten up ahead of time?), and I haven't seen any evidence of anyone cleaning up since I've been home. I've asked nicely for DH to see that the kids clean up the hallways so that there isn't a tripping hazard when I go for my laps around the place. Nothing's been picked up. The sink has been full of dishes... the same dishes... since I got home from the hospital.

Saturday has come and gone, and not one load of laundry was done. We're a family of 6 - it takes a long day of doing laundry in order for people to have clean clothes. I'm wondering what people are going to wear on Monday. That's my son's (16yo) responsibility - so I'm going to have to have a chat with him, because DH is just ignoring it.

Today, thankfully, my FIL came and took the younger kids out to eat for breakfast. This is good because DH didn't get around to cooking breakfast until 3pm - when he made pancakes (he brought me 2 small ones). Good thing I'd already gotten up and fixed myself a bowl of cereal earlier. I asked him what his plan was for dinner... tonight was one of the nights that our church didn't have anyone scheduled to bring something. He thought he'd feed everyone a bowl of chicken soup. I told him that that really wasn't a "square" enough meal for the kids - and that I definitely need more nutrients in order to heal properly. I finally bribed him into running out to Popeye's to pick up a chicken meal for us to eat. He grumbled the whole time, and is acting like this is torture for him to have to take care of his family.

I'm even concerned that he's not keeping an eye on the younger kids well enough - he spent most of today flopped on the foot of the bed, watching a movie. I awoke from a nap to the loud sounds of the latest Die Hard movie. I commented that it was hard to rest with the movie so loud, so he turned it down. I woke up a bit later, and he was sound asleep on the bed... and the kids were running amok in the hallways. I had to nudge him til he woke up, and then he complained that the 8 year old was supposed to be keeping an eye on the younger ones (half the time, the 8 year old is part of the problem)! A bit later, the 8 year old came in and reported that the 4 year old had broken my ceramic nativity.

I don't know what to do. I need him to help out here, and he doesn't seem capable! I'm not even a week post-op yet, I'm still exhausted and half the time the pain pills don't feel like they're doing enough. Right now, my bed is still my best friend. How do I fight this urge that I have to get up and take control?
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Unread 12-08-2007, 07:15 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.


So sorry to hear that your DH isn't being helpful. I guess I'm truly blessed because my DH is wonderful - - - he even came to the hospital several times a day to walk the halls with me. By all means, you must resist the urge to overdo it. Sounds like he needs to hear the cold, hard facts. If you don't recover slowly and properly, you'll only prolong the amount of time that you're out of commission. Last time I checked, both parents are responsible (at least legally) for their household, and it just so happens that he needs to carry the load for the next several weeks. If hearing it from you (or perhaps his family) doesn't work, maybe your doctor can/will intervene? I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Please try to relax and get some rest. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Unread 12-08-2007, 07:59 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

My heart goes out to you. Rest as much as you can. DH is probably counting on you to get tired of the mess and is expecting you to take care of it. My DH has been a real trooper with this. He's done a LOT around the house, but I will be the first to admit that it looks like a hurricaine whipped through here. It's a mess! But, it's his mess as far as I am concerned. We're being fed and errands are being handled, lunches made, carpools driven, and those things matter more than the messy floors (although I do worry about tripping over so many things!).
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Unread 12-08-2007, 08:06 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

try not to give in and overdo things...once you do, it will be expected of you. the mess will still be there when you feel better...just leave it. try to make some phone calls to see if some friends can take your kids. hope you feel better soon
Unread 12-08-2007, 08:09 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

Call friends, call relatives. Call your 8 year old's friend's parents and have him go for a sleepover. Can you come up with some cash for your 16 year old and a couple of his friends ?

Money is a great motivator for a teenager and friends. I bet for a few $20.00 bills you could get the house cleaned up, and the laundry done.

or.....point blank tell your dh that he is being selfish, and to clean the place up, and take care of business, or you will do what you have to. You will call a service to do it, and HE can write the check three times a week, until you are able to function.

Be strong. Do what you need to do
Unread 12-08-2007, 08:11 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

I hope your doctor WILL intervene and call "just to check up" on things.

Stay put! If DH thinks this is like a cold, and you will be up in a couple of days doing everything, he needs to find out that will just NOT happen!

See if a friend can also do some laundry...or wait till DH runs out of clean stuff to wear!

I don't know if you have printed out the Checkpoints, or if DH would even read them.

I hope he hears from your doctor soon - or at least goes with you to your first post-op checkup!

Unread 12-08-2007, 08:29 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

Thanks ladies. Oh, don't worry. I'm not about to jump in and start doing the work myself. I'm not going to risk my health for a clean floor or clean laundry or anything else. DH is rather frustrated, too. I think he feels like I'm bullying him. Maybe he's getting a hard dose of what it's really like for me (up until the last 2 months pre-op, when the pain started getting really bad, I did everything) and it's tough for him to swallow. So, I've really created my own monster for not standing up better over the past 16 years - demanding more fair division of chores.

The problem that I have now is that he's been handling most of the phone calls (people are calling him directly, so they don't disturb my rest) - and I hear him telling them, "Oh, thank you, no. We've got the laundry and the kids covered! Tyler and I are taking care of it!" So, he's telling everyone that's offering help that we don't need any help! I *could* ask my mother to come over and help - which I'll probably end up doing for the kids' sake - but that's detrimental to my mental health (my mom & I have lots of issues). I can't have my best friend come help because she's going into the hospital on 12/14 to have her bowel resectioned!

Tomorrow, he has to get everyone out the door for church on time - that ought to be something. But the church is having an open house/dedication because we just moved to a new building - so they'll be gone for quite a while and other people will be feeding and watching out for my kids a bit. Whew, that's a blessing to me!

The ladies at church are planning to bring us dinner every night next week (and they're sending home all the luncheon leftovers tomorrow)... so at least I know people will be getting fed during the week. By the following week, hopefully I'll be up and around enough to cook a light meal.

Is it awful that I'm looking forward to Monday when the house will be quiet and all I have to worry about is that I can easily get myself a drink or a snack, and get around the apartment to walk and go to the bathroom? I'm going to be home all alone with only myself to be concerned about. I have a feeling that the weekends are going to be the hardest until I'm released by my doctor.

Calling in a service isn't really an option - I wish it was! - money is always tight for us. I wish I could swing money my son's way, just to motivate him, but I don't even have that.

It's not very likely that DH will go to my post-op appointment with me in 2 weeks. He didn't go with me for my pre-op, either. All in all, he's not very supportive.
Unread 12-08-2007, 09:32 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

I'm so sorry things are tough. My dh is great, but even he had to get the cold hard facts. He would get mad if I bugged him more than once to do something but if I didn't he would forget. I think everyone is right. A good family meeting may be in order. Your 16 year old AND your eight year old are quite able to hold up their ends, too. Would your husband be angry at a list? It seems to help my husband. That way he knows exactly what to do. Hugs, hon. I was quite close to washing a few dishes today when dh quipped about being a slave, but I didn't give in. Just make sure you take care of yourself. That's the most important thing.


30 years old, TAH/BSO 11-26-07--endo, adeno, pelvic congestion
Unread 12-08-2007, 10:36 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

How about "swap" tickets for the 16 and 8 year old. 2 loads of laundry washed, dried and folded is equal to a ride to the mall with a friend when mom can drive again. Or a mopped kitchen floor can be swapped for a favorite dinner once mom is up to cooking ...... hey, come to think of it, I bet you could come up with one or two for dh too !!!!!
Unread 12-08-2007, 11:59 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

I am really sorry you are having such a hard time with DH. We had a meltdown (the kids and I)earlier this week and part of the reason is due to the hours my husband does work. It requires me to have my 4 yo and 11 yo at home with me for hours at a time. It really is a double edge sword do I nag him so that he is home earlier when we need the money or what? I didn't even get one day at home to recover without being left alone with the kids.

This weekend though he really pulled things together. He got the kids to take boxes that needed to go to the shed, out to the shed while he did the dishes, laundry and vacummed the whole house. Yes, I realize he is tired also but so am I.

I guess in many ways I am lucky as the 11 yo is really good about helping me out during the week. So helpful in fact that I feel guilty asking him to do more.

The suggestion about swapping "coupons" with the kids for extra help is a good idea. The other problem is if they don't see dad helping you out, they aren't going to either.

Will a family member/minister at church intervene on your behalf and talk to your husband about the help you need. Maybe he is feeling a little overwhelmed by the amount of work that is required to run the household for you and the children and doesn't know where or how to begin and he might feel that if he had help from other people that he is failing you. Not sure but it could be a number of those things.

Do not feel guilty about looking forward to quite time for yourself on Monday. You need that time for you. I am looking forward to mine today as my DH is going to work and the kids are going to a family Christmas party. If I feel like folding some laundry or doing whatever I will and if not, not. In some ways it is good for my husband to see all the work I do in a day/week.

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