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DH not really stepping up... just as I feared. DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

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Unread 12-09-2007, 06:00 AM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

ok I am going to jump in here. My dh is being pretty good but not great.
My first day home i did some dishes. Did I complain NO it took 10 minutes and they were washed and left in drainer to dry. I don't mind standing up for a bit it stretches me out some.

Nobody ever said you had to recover in bed. Why not go out and watch some xmas specials with kids on the couch so hubby can have a break as well.

I am not defending him by any means and not telling you to do the work cause NO you shouldn't but a8 yo can do dishes if you stand beside them and set the water up. a 16yo should be able to do the laundry if you tell them how.

And I guess your used to big meals cause I remember the days when we had grilled cheese and a can of soup and that is my favourite meal. Won't kill the kids a couple days a week. Quick easy and tasty.

Heck your 16 yo should be a ble to make that while hubby is doing some cleaning.

Good luck to you and happy resting unfortunatly most man arn't as good as running a house as we are so we gotta let are standards down.
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Unread 12-09-2007, 07:24 AM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

Everyone has made some great points. I really like the idea of swapping things for chores. Perhaps as you're resting (but not sleeping) you could write up a little coupon book to hand out "rewards" for chores. Although you shouldn't have to do this (in a perfect world ), it's bound to help. As wonderful as my DH has been, I found out first thing this morning how different men & women truly think. We've been married 15 years so he knows my morning routine - - - I wake up starving & am borderline hypoglycemic, so I need to eat breakfast immediately after going to the restroom & brushing my teeth. When I came out into the kitchen, DH was on the couch in the adjoining room watching a movie. Only after he heard me clattering around in the kitchen did he ask if I needed anything. I honestly thought he would have asked me when he first saw me if he could get me breakfast, coffee, etc. We had a bit of an emotional discussion, as I was not only starving, but in pain. Bottom line is, even for the helpful DH, you need to ask. If you ask or write out a list, it will be done. I guess we can't assume that others (including our darling children) will volunteer to help, so we just need to accept it and ask politely. Best of luck to all of you for a speedy recovery. Remember to rest and accept pampering without guilt!
Unread 12-09-2007, 08:09 AM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

Men definitely do things differently than we do, and that's OK. Kids need to learn that mom and dad are different, but there are some non-negotiables. A sinkful of dishes and breakfast at 3 PM are not acceptable, but chicken soup for dinner once in a while is. Pick your battles and focus your complaints on the things that are non-negotiables for you, and let the rest go for a bit. No one ever died from having to wear wrinkly clothes or eat soup for three meals a day! If you can compromise some things you have a much better chance of getting what is really important to you taken care of.

What is your relationship with his mom? Because at this point, in your shoes, I'd be calling her and crying about how much pain I was in and how out of control everything is, because I think she'd "get it". Maybe she will come over and read him the riot act herself!!
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Unread 12-09-2007, 09:32 AM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

Thanks for the really great suggestions - I love the idea of the swapping coupons. I think I'll give that a shot.

Trixie: my mother-in-law has been deceased for 11 years, so I can't enlist her help. She wasn't very much of a housekeeper (and I'm certainly not a great one), no one in their family was - which is what scares me. My DH lived in one of those homes where there was literally a small path to walk through because there was so much clutter. Left to his own devices, our home could easily end up that way before I'm recovered. I can't accept that.

I wish the laundry issues were just that the clothes might be a little bit wrinkly... but my 6yo daughter tends to spill food on everything she wears... and my 4yo son is having some sort of potty regression issue. The clothes need to be washed because they're not acceptable to be re-worn. But I have no problems with re-wearing clothes... I've been re-wearing the pajamas that I've been sweating profusely in, every time I have a hot flash. I'm not going out anywhere, so I don't care if my clothes get washed last.

jjcj: The chicken soup for dinner... was actually ramen. You know, basically bouillon and some noodles? No, I don't make big dinners every night... but it's not so hard to make some vegetables. They're in the freezer, they can be nuked right in their own bag... and having only had starches all day (I'm borderline diabetic, with high triglycerides) I needed to demand that dinner be a bit healthier than ramen. Sure, the kids probably would've been fine with just the ramen... or pizza... or mac-n-cheese, but I needed something a bit more. I resolved the situation by suggesting that DH go pick us up a chicken dinner, I didn't demand that he cook a feast.

I'm glad that you were able to come right home and do dishes - your recovery must be going very well for you. That's wonderful! Everyone's surgery and recovery are different, though, and not all of us can do that. I lost a lot of blood during my surgery and my doctor recommended that I rest in bed as much as possible during the first week, only getting up to take some laps around the apartment, use the restroom, take a shower, etc. I'd love to go sit in the living room and watch some tv with the kids - but our living room sofas are (old) futons, and they're not very easy to get up from once you're in them, even without an abdominal incision.

You're absolutely right, though, that my kids need to get on the ball. We had a family meeting about who could do what before I went into the hospital - but afterwards, it seems like everything that was discussed is all falling apart. Maybe I need to call a new family meeting on my bed, when they all get home from church.

My standards aren't all that high: I'm sleeping a lot/in pain a lot and somebody needs to be keeping an eye on the younger kids. We need to eat at a normal time of day - and we can't just carb load the whole time. When I can get up and walk, I need to be able to do it without tripping on all the stuff on the floor in the hallway. People need stuff to wear. I really don't care about the rest right now.

My standards just fall higher than DH napping the whole day away, too, while the kids run around breaking things.

PS - I wanted to add... I did find a way to express appreciation to my DH last night that appeals to his mindset, and I think that may go a long way to improving the way things go around here. :bigwink:
Unread 12-09-2007, 10:45 AM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

Hi there,

I think the coupon idea is great. Also, what about having DH go tot he grocery store and get some premade meals? Like Stouffer's lasagna, pizza, etc...I so know this is not healthy by any means, but at least it can help for the meal part.

DO you have a crock pot? If so, I told dh a few simple crock pot recipes, and voila, dinner was done in 8 hours!

As far as the house goes, your kids can certainly help dh with that...since he seems to not care to do it.

Try to relax. Go in your room, close the door, read a book, watch tv, and pray for the best in the outer house! LOL! This is about you....
Unread 12-09-2007, 11:25 AM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

I think we're going to be good for the meals for the next few days - today, they're having a luncheon at church and all the left-overs are to come home for our family. Starting tomorrow, the ladies from church are going to be bringing food every evening (not sure why they waited to start until after I'd been home several days). I hear that there's lasagna, meatloaf, and some other goodies on their way. I'm a-ok with the pre-made meals, too, just as long as it's not chicken-flavored-salt-water. :bigwink: Yep, we do have a crock-pot, but with getting 4 kids out the door in the morning I'm not sure he can juggle getting food into it as well. I do plan on making use of it, hopefully after the doctor clears me for cooking on 12/19 at my 2-week appointment.

I agree that my kids can help with the housework, if only DH would rally them. I asked him very nicely yesterday if he could just see that the stuff (clothes, toys, etc.) strewn all over the hallways could be picked up so that I wouldn't trip when I go for my walks... and he answered, "well, I told the kids to pick it up... and they won't..." Oy! So I guess the is going to have to preside over a meeting this afternoon.
Unread 12-09-2007, 12:02 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

I think having a meeting is a great idea...before my surgery I made calendars for each child with their daily and weekly chores on it. It made it a lot easier to check up on them!

When the kids were little we did the 10-minute tidy a couple of times a day...kept things from getting too out of control. Everyone moved as fast as they possibly could to get everything that didn't belong back where it did belong. If your DH wasn't raised to know what tidy is, he probably doesn't even notice it! So coming out of your room and directing the tidy-up for 10 minutes a couple times a day will be helpful. You can just stand there, point and direct!

I think your laundry situation is going to be critical...is there a lady at church who'd be willing to come over once or twice a week and do it? I've done that for people when they were laid up, it's not too much to ask. Any mom would understand the need! And sometimes there's older ladies who don't have much laundry to do themselves who really enjoy an opportunity to do it.
Unread 12-09-2007, 02:33 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

I'm going to see if I can't undo the damage that DH already did, by telling the ladies from church that we don't need any help with the laundry or other tasks. I couldn't do the laundry if I wanted to... the laundry room is up a steep flight of stairs that the doctor strictly forbade me from. So either he gets with it and gets our oldest son working, or else I call in the troops!

Thank goodness that I've had a good day today - I can think a lot more clearly when I'm not in pain!
Unread 12-09-2007, 03:00 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

Oh Tam, I just want to tell you that I'm so sorry and can't imagine how frustrated and angry you must be. Like some of the other posts said, be strong and do what you have to do to make dh get it together. At this point, don't worry about upsetting him, just tell him what he NEEDS to do! You deserve that!

TAH-RSO 12/4/07
Unread 12-09-2007, 08:46 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

Thanks Leslie! I think that my biggest frustration is that I tried to have an advanced plan... we had family meetings on this subject... and no one was following the plan at all. I don't expect DH to do everything, but I do need t count on him to try to keep everyone else in line. And with 4 kids in the house, it's not really safe for me to just ignore it and not worry about it. Young kids can make a huge mess (that includes food spills and everything else).

This evening, I actually bribed my 4 year old to do some cleaning for me. I grabbed the handful of change that DH had sitting on the dresser, and told him that I'd give him all the money (it was maybe $1.50) if he went through the hallway... put toys where they belonged, clothes in the hamper, and trash in the trashcan. He was ecstatic! He came back later asking for more work to do! I may have found my secret weapon, at least to keep me from tripping and falling!

Eldest son did a load of laundry this evening... finally... and I just spotted DH taking the trash out. Tried to get the 8yo up and moving, he decided that the small amount of money that I offered wasn't worth his effort. My daughter initially agreed to vacuum the hallway after her brother cleaned it - but didn't follow through. But I've still got some progress! With progress, there's hope!

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