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DH not really stepping up... just as I feared. DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

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  #21  
Unread 12-09-2007, 09:56 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

Hi Tam:

I feel so bad for you . . . too bad you live so darn far away. You couldn't live any farther from me, it's physically impossible !!! LOL Honestly, I would gladly go over and help you !!!

If possible, enlist the help of someone DH admires or likes. Get on the phone and call someone!!! Call your church friends and explain the real problem. Let them get on your son and DH. They should be waiting on your hand and foot!!!

The house can be messy; the kids can even skip a meal now and then, but you can not go without a good meal!!! How are you supposed to heal ??

My main concern is the your little children may not be getting the appropriate supervision they need. This is totally unacceptable. Please call someone today!!

Good luck to you!!!
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  #22  
Unread 12-09-2007, 09:56 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

I have to tell you something --- I'm a social worker, and many years ago I worked with a foster mom who at that time was an older woman. She had been fostering for something like 40 years. She kept a roll of quarters in her house coat at all times. If she asked a child to help her sweep the floor in the kitchen, after it was done, she would hand out 4 quarter and a sincere thank you. If she asked a child to take the laundry upstairs, she would thank the child and give him a quarter.

I asked her how much she handed out in a day, let alone a week.... and she said, "well, I could just hand them an allowance, but then they will never know the joy of a getting paid for a job well done."

She also gave each child a bank. Now some kids saved enough to get an ice cream from the ice cream man, and some kids began a college education fund in that ladies house.

That wonderful foster mom is gone now, but I do believe that starting your 4 year old on earning money for a job well done, will be a blessing in his life. And that 8 year old just might catch on at some point !!!!!
  #23  
Unread 12-10-2007, 11:47 AM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

  Quote:
Originally Posted by 1catlady
Hi Tam:

I feel so bad for you . . . too bad you live so darn far away. You couldn't live any farther from me, it's physically impossible !!! LOL Honestly, I would gladly go over and help you !!!

If possible, enlist the help of someone DH admires or likes. Get on the phone and call someone!!! Call your church friends and explain the real problem. Let them get on your son and DH. They should be waiting on your hand and foot!!!

The house can be messy; the kids can even skip a meal now and then, but you can not go without a good meal!!! How are you supposed to heal ??

My main concern is the your little children may not be getting the appropriate supervision they need. This is totally unacceptable. Please call someone today!!

Good luck to you!!!
Thanks Martha, I appreciate your post! I had a good chat with DH, as well as with a couple of the kids. I tried the "catch flies with honey" approach.... and I praised the few things that are getting done.

Oh... and I addressed the child-supervision issue with this: "Honey, I know that you feel torn between trying to comfort me... and needing to take care of the responsibilities around the home." (ok, so snoozing at the foot of the bed in front of a movie while I take a nap isn't really comforting me, but work with me) I continued with, "I appreciate that you're choosing to be with me when I'm hurting, but you really need to watch the kids instead. I'm just napping in here anyway. I'll be fine."

He seemed to see my point. I be spending my recovery in a more solitary state, but it's preferable to having kids run amok, breaking things, making messes, and the possibility of one getting hurt due to inadequate supervision.
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  #24  
Unread 12-10-2007, 11:51 AM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

  Quote:
Originally Posted by scootery
I have to tell you something --- I'm a social worker, and many years ago I worked with a foster mom who at that time was an older woman. She had been fostering for something like 40 years. She kept a roll of quarters in her house coat at all times. If she asked a child to help her sweep the floor in the kitchen, after it was done, she would hand out 4 quarter and a sincere thank you. If she asked a child to take the laundry upstairs, she would thank the child and give him a quarter.

I asked her how much she handed out in a day, let alone a week.... and she said, "well, I could just hand them an allowance, but then they will never know the joy of a getting paid for a job well done."

She also gave each child a bank. Now some kids saved enough to get an ice cream from the ice cream man, and some kids began a college education fund in that ladies house.

That wonderful foster mom is gone now, but I do believe that starting your 4 year old on earning money for a job well done, will be a blessing in his life. And that 8 year old just might catch on at some point !!!!!
Thank you for your insight! Not only did my 4yo take glee in getting the handful of change, but we had a lovely chat about saving money, too! I mentioned that now he needed to have a piggy bank, so he could save his money until it grows so he can do something more meaningful with it (ok, we're talking with a 4yo, so I told him he would be able to buy a bigger toy). He loved that idea - asked if I felt better now, and could I drive him to the store to buy him a piggy bank. I gently explained that even though I was out of bed (we had the chat in the bathroom, of all places), I wasn't allowed to drive yet - and that Christmas was coming. His eyes lit up! "Will you help me write a letter to Santa to tell him I want a piggy bank? And will you give it to him?"

Yay!
  #25  
Unread 12-10-2007, 11:54 AM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

Oh! I have to add one more thing... call it an irony.

We live in an apartment building (we reside in an entire floor of the building), and the building itself is up for sale. For months now, they've been showing the apartment. It's been quiet now for quite a while, no notices of walk-throughs. Wouldn't you know, today, I was doing a lap past our front door and decided to look outside. Stuck to the door was a notice for a walkthrough - for tomorrow afternoon!

Now, I'm choosing not to let this stress me at all, because there's nothing I could do. However, DH is going to have his work cut out for him tonight now - and the apartment will have to be nice and clean.

Is it evil of me to take some amusement in this?
  #26  
Unread 12-10-2007, 12:36 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

Ugh! Considering everything, maybe you could call them and ask for them to push back the walk through until you are further from your surgery date? I mean, that is rather hard for you to have strangers in your house so soon after surgery. I feel for you with all you are going through! Bless your heart, I hope things get better for you soon.
  #27  
Unread 12-10-2007, 01:07 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

  Quote:
Originally Posted by Fireflies
Ugh! Considering everything, maybe you could call them and ask for them to push back the walk through until you are further from your surgery date? I mean, that is rather hard for you to have strangers in your house so soon after surgery. I feel for you with all you are going through! Bless your heart, I hope things get better for you soon.
I wish I could fend them off from walking through - but it's not very likely. In fact, we're lucky that we got this much notice. The last time they did a walkthrough, a notice showed up on our door sometime late in the evening, when they were coming by the very next afternoon.

As it is, I'll just have to wave to them as they come through, and apologize for not giving them the grand tour. A friend of mine suggested just waving and saying, "Hi, sorry... can't get up. Just had major surgery. How nice of you to visit, did you bring flowers?"
  #28  
Unread 12-10-2007, 01:11 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

  Quote:
Originally Posted by iluv2digiscrap
A friend of mine suggested just waving and saying, "Hi, sorry... can't get up. Just had major surgery. How nice of you to visit, did you bring flowers?"
That's funny. Sounds like something I would do!
  #29  
Unread 12-10-2007, 01:54 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

Tam, that's AWESOME! 4 year olds can do a lot more than we think! I have a 2 and 4 year old (boys) and they have both been great with cleaning up their toys. Going to see the surgeon now to check on the hematoma I developed. I'll check back later. Glad you're making progress with the kids! I think the DH's are a little harder to train at this point! Does your 4 yr old chew gum? That's my bribe when I run out of change...a piece of sugar free trident!
  #30  
Unread 12-10-2007, 02:57 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

I am blessed also because my DH and kids all pitch in too....now. I too came home to a wrecked home. I personally refuse the bribery, because it is you DH's responsibility to step up. My children are 11 and 9 and there is absolutely no reason the house should have looked like it did. I had to tell them firmly that I will not listen to the crying and whining when there is no clothes cleaned, or dishes to eat out of. I also informed them that when I am back in the hospital for not listen to my doc and resting, but rather cleaning up their mess, that I would refuse to come home until the house was cleaned. I also aked them point blank,"Doyou care about me? Do you want me cooking and cleaning again? Do you want me entertaining you?" To which the answer was YES! I informed them that it was unfair to me and not helping me get on my feet if I have to constantly worry about the housework. I also reminded my DH that he was being very selfish by skimming meals to make it easier on him all the time. They all help now with no complaints and fighting. My DH even said I was right and apologized to me with a big hug. You just got to find the right words to motivate them. If that doesn't work, then call in someone they don't like to annoy them...lol like the in laws.....LOL I really am praying that he steps up for you.
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