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DH not really stepping up... just as I feared. DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

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  #31  
Unread 12-10-2007, 03:14 PM
DH not really stepping up... just as I feared.

I can tell you what worked for me...
Go to the ICU! My third trip to the hospital in three weeks FINALLY had my husband realizing that I was TRULY at death's door, and he finally go over pouting and being a sumunabiscuit....

I am also wont to criticize and spent the first five days of my at-home recovery completely alone in a room with no attention, no meals brought about, and even had to drive myself to the pharmacy because my husband hadn't thought to reschedule one of my kids' doctor's appointments which was 40 miles away and during rush hour (he was gone from noon to 8:00 p.m. and left me with a dead cellphone). Needless to say, I spent some time on the phone with my mom and expressed my sad- and loneliness. Well, when I was admitted for emergency surgery a mere three weeks later, she and my dad flew out (900 miles) without even telling my husband they were coming. He was offended, and I about slapped him. I said if he hadn't left me to fend for myself during my first recovery, they possibly wouldn't have needed to come out...

When I got home from the hospital the third time (with my parents in tow, God bless them, they sat with me five days and told me jokes and held my hand in that awful place), he FINALLY stepped up. He's been good ever since.

So my secret? Nearly dying.

My advice? DON'T DO WHAT I DID!!! I like the advice of the women who have posted prior to me. I would also put it out there that once mommy/wifey is all better, things are going to seriously change around the house. If the whole family cannot contribute in mommy/wifey's ONE MAJOR TIME OF NEED, then the whole family is going to need to start fending for itself. Tell hubby he can cook all his own meals from now on and you will worry only about yourself and the younger children. The 16 year-old for his lack of chutzpah where laundry is concerned can now be in charge of all laundry AND his own meals from this point forward. As for the 8 year old, I would let that one know that vacuuming is going to become their new favorite past-time as that is their new lifelong task....

but I'm a militant mom.... I find that when I get backed into a corner, I come out swinging, and in a situation like this, which I too just went through, I have created new household rules. My kids (4 and 6) must have everything of theirs deposited in the appropriate places in their rooms by the end of the day or it is garbage. Immediately. I don't care if it's a security blanket, a favorite stuffed animal, an article of clothing, or the toy that was just purchased for the birthday last week -- if it's sitting out, either on the floor, the coffee table, or on the steps, I toss it. And it has indeed happend to the response of many tears. BUT it only happened once for each of them, as they know mom means business.

As for their daddy, I have simply stopped doing the things I normally do for him. I generally do all the grocery shopping -- no more. I generally make the beds -- no more. I also put the laundry away -- haven't done that either. I also let the hair pile up on the bathroom floor for a month, without dumping the garbage either (yes, it was starting to pile out the top) and I just ignored it -- and wouldn't you know it -- I came home Friday from work and the HOUSE WAS SPOTLESS... He was stressed and very put-upon, but I kissed him, walked up to my room to get into cozies and I came down and asked what was for dinner... heh.

I know every relationship is different, so my advice may not work at all, but thought I'd offer up my slightly different approach, in the event nothing else works.

Please know I'm thinking of you and hoping you're recovering well. All my best,
d.
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