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I just need to vent... I just need to vent...

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Unread 07-18-2001, 01:57 PM
I just need to vent...

I'm sorry, but I need to vent...

I've been having problems with my depression lately, so my psychiatrist has put me on another antidepressant (Celexa) and I have been on it since the end of June. I know that it takes awhile for the antidepressant to "kick in" but this is seeming like it is taking forever. I was just at my internist today about another issue and I ended up crying about this. I just don't know how much longer I can wait. Sometimes I just feeling like giving up -- I mean, what's the point? I keep thinking that the cancer is just going to come back, so what am I living for? I told my internist this today and he is very concerned about my mental well being. He told me to "hang in there." I have an appointment to see my psychiatrist on Friday (she is new to me, as my other one moved to New York City). I'm a medical transcriptionist and I had to type a couple of reports today about patients who had to have biopsies because their cancer recurred and I'm terrified that that is going to happen to me. My doctor is going to call my supervisor and tell her that I just can't handle doing oncology reports any more -- they just make me too upset, so she will have to give me different types of reports to type. My supervisor is very understanding and I don't think there will be a problem with me not doing them, but I feel like such a loser. I'm also seeing a health psychologist, but he is on vacation this week. I just want my antidepressant to start working. I guess I'm just looking for a shoulder to cry on. Do you guys ever feel this way and if so, what do you do when you feel helpless (if you do, maybe its just me). I just need some advice because I feel very today.



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Unread 07-18-2001, 03:22 PM
I just need to vent...

Awww Cyndy!!!
Big hugs hon!
I am sorry you are feeling this way. Oh gosh, its very hard be a cancer survivor isn't it? We are very blessed on one hand but are lives are forever changed, and its hard for people to understand who are not going through this.

I really hope your doctors will work with you to get you on something that will help with your depression. I was just posting on another post earlier about there being lots of different drugs around now to help with depression. Its just finding the one that works. Everyone is different, and what works for one is not necessarily going to work for others.

I agree that you should not be doing up the oncology reports any longer. You've lived that story, and every time you type one up I am sure it just brings everything back and makes you fearful, and you don't need that additional stress in your life. I am sure they have other people who can do those and you can trade off work with them.

Your fears are all our fears Cyndy, its completely normal to be worried about it coming back, and worry about every checkup and test. Its going to be that way for all of us for a few years. But ya know......the way I look at it. We are being checked so often that even God forbid if it were to make a reappearance....hopefully they could get it so quick that we would be ok. We all haven't come this far for nothing Cyndy......we fought a **** hard battle, and we came through it for a reason.

I truly hope you get your meds straightened out Cyndy, you could be feeling so much better and will be once they find out what is going to work best for you!! Don't ever think you are alone with this, because you aren't. We are going to find things like this for the rest of our lives I think, that are the result of what we have been through. And its not easy, but its so nice to know we aren't going through it alone! I bless the day I found this site and the wonderful women here everyday! Women like you Cyndy!!
Love ya!!!
M. xoxo
Unread 07-18-2001, 03:32 PM
I just need to vent...

Oh gee, cyndy, here is a big

From what I have heard about anti depressant, they usually take about 2 weeks to get some relief and about 4 weeks for the full benefits to show. Hang in there x x

As for the cancer , well I just hate it. I think about it nearly everyday. If I read a story about someone having a recurrence ,then I stress so bad that mine will come back. If I have any lump , I think it is cancer. Please dont beat yourself up about how you feel, you have been through a major life crisis and I dont think any of us who have been through it will ever be the same as 'before'. It is ok to it is good to let it out.

I agree with Maria, you shouldnt be typing the oncology reports, that is way too close to home. We have enough reminders in our life.

I just wish I could be there with you , to hold your hand and give you lots of hugs. Please dont ever forget that we are all here for you . Much love always x x
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Unread 07-18-2001, 03:57 PM
I just need to vent...

Hi Cyndy,

I can't imagine having to type those reports. Like you I guess, sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to fall. I wouldn't want to be reminded of it while doing my work.

My son has been on Celexa for about 6 months. His dr told him it could take up to 6 wks to feel better. It did help him.

God bless you, Cyndy.
Unread 07-19-2001, 06:14 AM
I just need to vent...

YOU ARE NOT A LOSER!! Get those thoughts out of your head NOW! You are going through a difficult time and with the line of work you are in, it is no wonder that you worry!! I think it is great if you are no longer given these types of transcriptions to do! Thank goodness that you have an understanding supervisor!
I'm so glad that you turned to us. We are always here for you and you go right ahead and cry...get those feelings out and I think you will feel better! We all need to release our emotions. I wish that I was there to get you a real cup of raspeberry tea, rather than a cybercup and I would also get you something nice and chocolately too! I know that things are hard until these meds kick in, so you just remember that we are all here and want to help you! Whenever you need someone to listen, just post! You will get through this!!
Unread 07-19-2001, 06:20 AM
I just need to vent...

Dear Cyndy I am so sorry to hear of your depression difficulties. There are so many
new meds out there for depression. Give the celexa a bit more time. If not, try another.
It's ashame that you are starting with a new psychiatrist. Probably at a time when
you least feel like starting over. What you are going through is probably a very
common reaction to what you've been through. As women it seems we arise to the
battle and give it our all. As you did during your chemo. Then once the battle is
over we allow our emotional selves to breathe a little and all that we've been through
seems to catch up with us. And we are forced to deal with it. I have identified closely
with your cancer journey. Your battle today could conceivable be me a year from now.
Please know I am here cheering you on. Sending thoughts and prayers.
oxooxoxkarenann ovcaIII
Unread 07-19-2001, 09:38 AM
I just need to vent...

I have had clinical depression in one form or another for the last thirty years, and I can say withi some authority that most of what you say sounds exactly like the depression talking. Of course some fear of recurrence is normal, but not dwelling on it.

Unfortunately, hormones dropping and in fluctuation are going to make it worse. But one of the antidepressants will almost certainly make it better. They don't fully understand them and who they're going to work for but you have to try several different kinds to find the one that will work. They can take 6 weeks to really kick in, but if you aren't getting any effect it might be time to rethink.

For every antidepressant, 30% of the people will find dramatic relief, 30% will find mild relief, and 30% will find no relief. For me, Paxil was a nightmare, but Wellbutrin works well with few side effects. So, talk to you "talker" tomorrow about alternatives and what the timetable might be for trying it out. Also make sure that your thyroid levels have been checked. Menopause can expose thyroid problems--and depression is a main symptom.

Two years after surgery, I'm doing better than I ever have--that's with a number of chemical helps and after 6 years of talk therapy. It CAN get better.

The MOST effective thing to do for depression is to exercise every day. Study after study is proving that. It raises the chemicals in your brain--and it's great for you. Do what you can within your limits, but do try it. It's immediate help.

And do know that you aren't alone. We're there in the darkness with you with a
Unread 07-19-2001, 02:19 PM
I just need to vent...

Thank you all so much for your posts -- they really mean a lot. I guess I just needed to cry on some shoulders. I'm feeling better today and I will be seeing the doc tomorrow, so hopefully she will have ideas on this situation.

It's wonderful to know that I can turn to you guys for some support -- it really means the world to me!


Unread 07-20-2001, 08:19 PM
I just need to vent...


I'm so glad to see you're feeling a bit better. I know all of us at one point or another have these fears pop up especially during any down days. The fear of cancer is bad enough but once you've had it, I really think that the fear of a recurrence is ten fold.

Please don't be so hard on yourself, you've been through a very rough time in your life that breaks alot of people. You are such a strong woman, don't ever think you're not even during those down days. I don't think anyone in your shoes, doing the job you're doing would be able to handle oncology reports, especially on a day to day basis.

I talk to my boss periodically who had a battle with colon cancer. She has been cancer free for over 7 yrs now. It has helped so much, especially when those "fears" start creeping in. She really helps me keep a positive attitude going, although she did tell me it took her a couple of years before those "panic" feelings decreased. Between her and all the wonderful ladies here with all the support given, it really helps keep my panic moments at bay quite a bit.

Please know we are all here for you anytime you need with whatever help we can offer, even if only more {{hugs}} and a shoulder. I'll say an extra prayer for you and sure hope the meds kick in soon or you're given something else that will help.

Big {{hugs}} to you!

Unread 07-21-2001, 01:22 PM
I just need to vent...

Cyndy, I just had to post to you. You are definitely not a loser!!! And one of the ways that you are coping is posting here to what I have found is a TERRIFIC support network!!! I could not have posted to you a few days ago because I was having a day that you described but today is a good day for me. I found a friend who listened to me and a cried it out on the phone (so a network of friends also helps). I am also trying to get back to exercising and getting those delicious endorphins going in my brain again. Since going back to work full time my energy level is not what it was but I'm sure it will get better. I hope your visit to the dr yesterday was helpful!

One thing , Cyndy that struck me about your post......you were able to add a smiley to your post.......I have to tell you....when I'm feeling really bad here, I have had NO desire to put in a smiley........the smilies add life to these posts, so my thought is.......you are a survivor, you have quite a lot of life in you, and you will continue to win the war!!

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