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Less of a woman? Less of a woman?

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Unread 01-21-2008, 08:57 AM
Less of a woman?

I would like to think I am a strong person.. Both mentally and physically but these days I am falling and falling fast. When I found out about my health problems a few years ago I made the choice to have my tubes tied as I was lucky enough to have two healthy pregnancies… the next one would may not have been so smoothly… or so I was told. My husband and I decided two children were enough. Not long after my tubal my uterus and cervix began to prolapsed even worse. It was as if my body was trying to rid of my organs. There I was at the age of 27 and no one understood why my cervix was able to come out.. Pap smear after pap smear, and so on we finally agreed it was time to have that hysterectomy. How many abnormals can one get before they say ok!? At the time both of my children’s health were failing. My daughter had to have spinal cord surgery on May 1st and so I had to push my surgery off until I was able to take care of her.. June 1st was my surgery. I signed away.. I was so happy to be done with these unhealthy organs that I never did prepare myself for what came next. I thanked my uterus and cervix for housing my beautiful children and bringing them into our world and then I said goodbye as it had been a true ***** living with them! For the first month I suffered with bleeding, bladder pains and hearing that my stitches were taking too long to heal.. I went well past the allotted time for the stitches to gracefully fall out.. I had days of ups and downs.. Restrictions were a bust.. I hated them. My son had T-cell lymphoma and I had to tend to him as well as my daughter. My life was crazy and I often thought about what it would be like if I were not here… never once wanting to act on it but knowing it would be easier if I simply did not exist.. I felt useless and helpless for my children and myself! BUT time had passed and I started fighting back. I took all natural supplements to help with my skin brake outs and my hot flashes.. Mood swings and all. It helped a little.. And then my restrictions left.. My daughter healed and my son has a cancer free clean slate..

Now onto my body. I have been having sex but it is very painful… causes cramping and spotting.. Not to mention that my orgasms are hardly there and when I do get the pleasure.. It is anything but pleasurable. It is painful. I tried to take that pain and now reprogram my brain into thinking it was pleasure.. But that did not work. I have not had intimacy in about 3 weeks. It is wearing on my husband even though he is trying so hard to be understanding. My scar is huge and painful. This last week has been hell for me. I have had my ob cauterize and apply silver nitrate WHICH for me was excruciating.. Mostly because he kept having to touch my scar and that sucked… and now I am facing an ultrasound and blood work. Menopause at the age of 28?? Ovarian mass??? All of these things running through my mind.. Like will I even be able to have sex again with out the pain?? I feel like I am drowning these last few days..
I knew I was done having babies.. But then why after several months does the thought make me sad? My best friend is preggers and my other is trying to conceive. I work with children and every once in a while I get to hold a new born and it kicks my butt. My baby days are done and I mourn that.

Less of a woman.. Those may be the only words left to describe my sadness.
I know things are better… so I am sorry to sound so morbid and I am THANKFUL for my hysterectomy for it saved my life and helps me to take care of my little ones who have needed me more that most would have.. My skin looks a million times better.. And I love my life for the most part… BUT I am unattached to that part of my body and I suffer with hot flashes.. And while I may have a huge family, no one understands my frustrations or my sadness.
I do not want to feel less of a woman.. But I do. I feel mutated in some way.

On another note.. THANK YOU hystersisters for letting us Talk .. Vent.. Ask questions and get timely answers or advice.. For letting us know we are not alone.
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Unread 01-21-2008, 09:46 AM
Less of a woman?

I feel these boards are made up of the strongest of the strong of women and you are one of them. Only those who have been there can really understand the feelings of loss and frustration and questioning that a woman goes through when she has surgery, hoping for relief from the physical problems that hinder her daily living and then to find she continues to struggle to heal and to have the life she has dreamed of for so long.

I'm so sorry to see your struggle. It sounds like you have had a lot to deal with for a long time now. I think any of us would be tired and tempted to discouragement. If your dr has found tissue that needs treated, this could very well be the source of your pain during sex. I hope that, given the time to heal now this will be a better situation for you soon. Have you asked your dr about the possibility of using some vaginal estrogen to help these tissues heal? It has been quite a while since your surgery, this might be something that would help your body turn the corner and finally heal completely.

Please don't allow the thoughts of being less of a woman continue to haunt you. You are understandably discouraged and tired of this process, but the woman you have always been is still there. She is in the heart and soul of who you are. These physical challenges did not remove her. She is the woman who longs to care for her children and see them healthy and growing strong. She is there wanting to relate to and please her dh. I think what we all feel is a deep sense of failure when we can't be what we long to be for those we love because of the personal struggles of the moment within ourselves.

You have what it takes to over come every situation that comes your way. Look at what all you have already come through. I can see a strong, wonderful woman who is just going through a difficult time. Try not to speculate on the future what-if's. Take care of each day as it comes and don't worry about tomorrow. There is grace enough for today.

We are always here to listen and help in whatever way we can. Hold on to your hopes for the future. Keep us updated on how you are doing. I hope this day gets better for you.
's, Rita
Unread 01-21-2008, 09:56 AM
Less of a woman?

Wow.. I can not thank you enough for your beautiful words.. knowing that they indeed are heart felt. I will print them out and put a copy of them on my wall in my bathroom.. where I tend to go to for some space.. to pray or meditate.. that way every morning I can read those words and feel them. Thank you. The interesting thing is that I guess I had hoped someone in my close circle of family and friends would say these words to me.. but instead I got nothing.. I guess your right. It takes someone who has lived and breathed this to understand it and be compassionate enough to lend some helping and healing words.
Thank you!
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Unread 01-22-2008, 12:28 PM
Less of a woman?

I am sorry you are going through a rough time now. A hysterectomy can bring emotional and physical issues for some of us. You are not alone with what you are experiencing. We feel a loss, and it is normal to be sad and grieve.

I am glad you came to Hyster Sisters to share what you are going through, as it helps to know others are going through similar feelings. Your sisters are here for you.

You will be in my prayers for healing and peace.

Sending s your way.
Unread 01-22-2008, 12:46 PM
Hello ladies..

Well I realized in light of my new health concerns I totally broke down. I want to thank all of you for everything you do.. asking questions, answering questions, giving your own experiences and inputs.. purely to help others.. thank you! I decided to let my husband in on my inner most fears.. and hopes for tomorrow… and in doing so I feel better today. After getting the first response from Rita I realized that I need to be present in the moment.. my day was much easier. Last night my husband began to fall asleep on the couch.. I woke him up around 10pm to help him up to bed.. and there was a moment when I thought I should go back down and research things on the computer, or watch TV because I surely was not going back to bed BUT then in a spilt moment I decided to go lay down.. no worrying about tomorrow. And that is what I did.. I went to sleep for the first time in a long time at a rather descent hour. This morning went well.. I woke up with my kids in my bed and I stretched.. I sat by my window and did some deep slow breathing.. I washed up and read Rita's response in the mirror to myself about three times.. determined to not worry about my yesterdays or tomorrows.. for the most part I did fine.. Hours had passed and right when I had the thoughts of my ultrasound pop up in my head, I got an email.. a new response to the post... as if it were a sign. I was not ready to share or expose my feelings.. but I thought if one person reads this and shares my ups and downs, then maybe I could help one person feel less alone on their journey to healing.. Lord knows until I posted less than a woman, I was alone. I COULD NOT DO THIS WITH OUT THIS WEBSITE. Its has been an emotional roller coaster lately but it has been very bearable thanks to my new family.. my sisters!!
Unread 01-22-2008, 01:17 PM
Less of a woman?

It's such a blessing to see you encouraged and finding new hope for the future. I have had to learn this the hard way myself and it makes my day to see you having some victory. There will probably be days that are more difficult than others, but it makes such a difference where we put our focus. A very wise person once told me not to count my success in whether I fall again or not, but in how long it takes to get back up and started in the right direction again.

I know there are many other women who struggle with the same battles you've been fighting within yourself. By sharing your own struggle you can help complete the circle by helping someone else with your own lessons learned. I've been thinking of you and praying for you today. I hope you will begin to see some physical victories soon as well.
's, Rita
Unread 07-07-2008, 10:57 PM
Less of a woman?

IMHO, I think it takes a much stronger type of woman to brace herself, make the decision for the surgery that will save her life, and do whatever it takes to manage the consequences.

That's who I see in you. LESS of a woman -NO WAY.
You are much more than most women I see day in and out.
Unread 07-08-2008, 09:23 AM
Update to less of a woman..

Hello Ladies.. its been some time! I just wanted to let you know how I am doing these days.
So far I have been eating healthier and exercising more.. sleeping better at night.. and emotionally (for my own health) and am doing much better.. I recently got diagnosed with a mild form of MS.. for most people it would be a shock and send them to tears, for me it was an answer to many questions. For those who do not know me I am an all natural type of gal and refuse to take medicine.. especially since I have other health conditions that would cause more problems. I no longer feel like less a woman. I have learned to embrace my new self inside and out. It was a long fight getting to this point but I am here. My husband and I have grown so much over this last year and although there were hard times.. and I mean hard times, we have grown closer with more understanding of one another and more patience.. don't get me wrong my DH still drives me crazy but much less
I hope that if there are any other woman who find a connection to the original "Less of a woman" that in the end you come out as I did. Keep posting on this site as the ladies here are wonderful for support and never hold anything in.. the mind can be a scary thing! Take care and I hope you all heal emotionally and physically.
Unread 07-08-2008, 03:50 PM
Less of a woman?

I'm so glad you're doing so well now! I know that there are a lot of women who feel the same as you did, and I hope your journey inspires them to keep working through their issues.
Unread 07-10-2008, 05:31 PM
Less of a woman?

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