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I don't want to get better...... I don't want to get better......

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  #21  
Unread 03-31-2008, 10:52 AM
I don't want to get better......

Denise, I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I have spent most of my life depressed, so I can really understand how you are feeling. It has only been the past year or two that I have been coming out of the depression with the help of the Lord and my pastor.

Please let me tell you what DH tells me when I feel like I am a failure. I did not finish college and have been a stay at home mom. Dh reminds me that DS (age 24) has a full time job, is going to college part-time and does not drink, smoke or do drugs! He is a decent young man that we are proud of despite the things that he has gone through in his young life.

You feel that you have accomplished nothing. That is not true.! You have accomplished something very important! You have raised your children! Being a mom is the most important job there is! Even Oprah agrees.

Are your children people that you can be proud of? If they are, then give yourself some well deserved credit! You have done a great job!

You say that they are not be able to function on their own. It is not too late to change that, if you want to.

It is not too late to start teaching them to be self-reliant. In fact, now is a perfect time because you are healing and you can't do it all for them! Teach them how to do things, watch them do it a few times to be sure they have learned and then don't do it for them anymore. That way they will learn to do it themselves. They will need this training as they go out on their own in a few years anyway. I would have a talk with them and tell them you are sorry that you did not teach them to be self-reliant sooner, but it is now time to learn because you really need their help so you can heal properly and they need to help around the house and do things for themselves. As they become more self-reliant, it will free up some time for you to do what you want to make your life better.

It may be difficult, but it is in their best interest. Just remember that you are doing it so they can be independent happy adults. They will always need you, you are their mom. You just don't want to be needed to do everything for them and right now you really need their help anyway. If they won't do it to help you, just refuse to do it for them because you are not allowed to! By the time you are allowed to do it again, hopefully they will have learned to do things for themselves!

I know it can be difficult because I grew up watching my grandmother (who raised me) do everything for everyone and it didn't do anybody any good. They ended up helpless adults that always came to mom for money and everything else! There were also worse problems than that. I don't know how I ended up differently, but I thank God that I did. Even though I still have my share of problems...

I hope that did not sound too much like a lecture. I am only trying to address a major concern of yours...so please forgive me if I sound like I am lecturing (I am not). I think in the long run you will be happier!

Good luck to you! I hope you feel better soon!
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  #22  
Unread 03-31-2008, 11:27 AM
I don't want to get better......

  Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyblue-eyes
Denise, I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I have spent most of my life depressed, so I can really understand how you are feeling. It has only been the past year or two that I have been coming out of the depression with the help of the Lord and my pastor.

Please let me tell you what DH tells me when I feel like I am a failure. I did not finish college and have been a stay at home mom. Dh reminds me that DS (age 24) has a full time job, is going to college part-time and does not drink, smoke or do drugs! He is a decent young man that we are proud of despite the things that he has gone through in his young life.

You feel that you have accomplished nothing. That is not true.! You have accomplished something very important! You have raised your children! Being a mom is the most important job there is! Even Oprah agrees.

Are your children people that you can be proud of? If they are, then give yourself some well deserved credit! You have done a great job!

You say that they are not be able to function on their own. It is not too late to change that, if you want to.

It is not too late to start teaching them to be self-reliant. In fact, now is a perfect time because you are healing and you can't do it all for them! Teach them how to do things, watch them do it a few times to be sure they have learned and then don't do it for them anymore. That way they will learn to do it themselves. They will need this training as they go out on their own in a few years anyway. I would have a talk with them and tell them you are sorry that you did not teach them to be self-reliant sooner, but it is now time to learn because you really need their help so you can heal properly and they need to help around the house and do things for themselves. As they become more self-reliant, it will free up some time for you to do what you want to make your life better.

It may be difficult, but it is in their best interest. Just remember that you are doing it so they can be independent happy adults. They will always need you, you are their mom. You just don't want to be needed to do everything for them and right now you really need their help anyway. If they won't do it to help you, just refuse to do it for them because you are not allowed to! By the time you are allowed to do it again, hopefully they will have learned to do things for themselves!

I know it can be difficult because I grew up watching my grandmother (who raised me) do everything for everyone and it didn't do anybody any good. They ended up helpless adults that always came to mom for money and everything else! There were also worse problems than that. I don't know how I ended up differently, but I thank God that I did. Even though I still have my share of problems...

I hope that did not sound too much like a lecture. I am only trying to address a major concern of yours...so please forgive me if I sound like I am lecturing (I am not). I think in the long run you will be happier!

Good luck to you! I hope you feel better soon!
Not a lecture at all. I keep telling myself that in some aspects my kids are self reliant but in others they aren't.

DS #1 is 20 years old. He is in the Navy but so is my husband so we still all live together. He married his hs sweetheart right out of bootcamp. BIG MISTAKE! Now they are divorcing. He is staying with us. He is gone more than he is home. He is just working and partying. However, he does pay his bills on time and rarely asks for money. We don't have the money to give him so he knows we'll say no. But he runs to my mother...who can't say no. She has the money for now but not much longer the way my kids are running through it. I keep telling her to tell them "no" but she says she just can't. Eventually, her money will run out and she will have to say "no". Then what?

My dd is 22. Already married a bum with a big beautiful Xmas eve wedding that cost $25,000 (which my mother mostly paid for of course). He got kicked out of the Navy and ran home to mommy. So in less than a year they were divorced (which again my mother paid for). Now she is in her third year of college living with another guy for the last year. My mother has paid for most of her tuition and books for her to go into nursing. Now since she is sick of being in school she wants to skip the whole nursing thing, finish up her degree to teach, and says she'll "go back later" for nursing. Teaching is a very honorable profession and I have nothing against that if that is what she wanted to do in the first place. However, we have spent a fortune on books, uniforms, nursing supplies and equipment, and now she is just throwing all of that away. It's very frustrating. All that money could have been avoided had she gone the teaching route from the get-go.

DS#3 is 17. He has his 18 yo girlfriend living with us. Don't know how that happened but it just evolved over time. Supposedly she has a bad homelife.....geesh who doesn't when they are a teenager. They can't be that bad, they left her a fancy easter basket on our front step with all kinds of special things in it for her with $50 cash. Of course, they went to the mall, spent the cash on clothes then came back. Then this morning I had to shell out $40 for lunch money. I really want this girl to go home so we can work on our family issues. But I know that once we make that happen, my son will flip out completely and I'm just not up to dealing with that right now. Otherwise, he's getting decent grades in school and is thinking a little bit ahead to college. He keeps his room somewhat clean and helps out when he wants cash. If he wants cash for something, he will ask if there are any chores he can do to earn it. So, I think he's gotten out of the "money for nothing" frame of mind.

None of my kids do drugs. My 20 yo unfortunately has discovered alcohol and smokes (which I just hate). Sadly, both of these habits are very prevalent in the military. My husband has been a smoker since he was 14. However, he is not a heavy drinker. I wish I could say that about my daughter's boyfriend and her ex-husband, as well as my son. I'm worried about where his partying is going to lead to.

So, I'm not sure if this is successful parenting or not. At this time, I'm not feeling like such a great parent, even though I dedicated my entire life to my children. This bothers me a great deal and causes a lot of heartache.

I did get an email response from my dr. this morning. She asked me what dosage of Paxil I am on and whether or not I was having hot flashes. I responded and am now waiting on a response. Bad comes to worse she is aware of it and we'll talk on Wednesday.

Sorry, this is so long winded but it feels good to "talk" to someone.

HysterHugs to all,
  #23  
Unread 03-31-2008, 11:31 AM
I don't want to get better......

I suffer clinical depression, and have been on meds on and off for 10 years or so for it, so maybe my perspective can shed some light here.

I absolutely positively am not looking foward to giving up my role as pampered princess. I've enjoyed almost all of my recovery time (could have done without the painful parts LOL). However - I do want to get better and I do want to re-enter my normal life. I can attribute that to two things (a) I'm no longer clinically depressed, thanks to my meds and (b) several years ago I developed a serious health condition (thankfully under control) and took a real hard look at my life. I made alot of changes - but almost ALL those changes were in my PERSPECTIVE only. Instead of looking at all the things I still had to do tomorrow I started looking at all that I had done yesterday. Even the smallest things got credit ("cooked a decent meal - didn't burn anything !", "called X who I hadn't spoken to in several months"). Those little changes in perspective made a tremendous difference in my outlook. Those changes also caused me to be more proactive in doing the things I've always wanted to do but hadn't. I'm much happier now (even pre-op when I was going through all the fibroid / endo related problems) then I've been duirng my entire life. I don't discredit the medications for the depression -- without them I think I'd still be in the "gray cloud" that kept me from seeing more clearly.

Please, please - if you think you may be clinically depressed (you can do a google search to find the symptoms - I'm not sure I could post an outside link in this thread) don't be ashamed. Clinical depression is nothing more than a chemical imbalance in the brain and is nothing to be ashamed of, just as you wouldn't be ashamed if your hormone levels or thyroid was out of balance. I'm so sorry if I've offended anyone - I just know all too well what clinical depression feels like and if I can help even just one person out of that having some negative vibes thrown my way is worth it. I'll get off my soapbox now
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  #24  
Unread 03-31-2008, 11:39 AM
I don't want to get better......

  Quote:
Originally Posted by JoAnnDe
I suffer clinical depression, and have been on meds on and off for 10 years or so for it, so maybe my perspective can shed some light here.

I absolutely positively am not looking foward to giving up my role as pampered princess. I've enjoyed almost all of my recovery time (could have done without the painful parts LOL). However - I do want to get better and I do want to re-enter my normal life. I can attribute that to two things (a) I'm no longer clinically depressed, thanks to my meds and (b) several years ago I developed a serious health condition (thankfully under control) and took a real hard look at my life. I made alot of changes - but almost ALL those changes were in my PERSPECTIVE only. Instead of looking at all the things I still had to do tomorrow I started looking at all that I had done yesterday. Even the smallest things got credit ("cooked a decent meal - didn't burn anything !", "called X who I hadn't spoken to in several months"). Those little changes in perspective made a tremendous difference in my outlook. Those changes also caused me to be more proactive in doing the things I've always wanted to do but hadn't. I'm much happier now (even pre-op when I was going through all the fibroid / endo related problems) then I've been duirng my entire life. I don't discredit the medications for the depression -- without them I think I'd still be in the "gray cloud" that kept me from seeing more clearly.

Please, please - if you think you may be clinically depressed (you can do a google search to find the symptoms - I'm not sure I could post an outside link in this thread) don't be ashamed. Clinical depression is nothing more than a chemical imbalance in the brain and is nothing to be ashamed of, just as you wouldn't be ashamed if your hormone levels or thyroid was out of balance. I'm so sorry if I've offended anyone - I just know all too well what clinical depression feels like and if I can help even just one person out of that having some negative vibes thrown my way is worth it. I'll get off my soapbox now
I've been on Paxil for years. So I would say my depression has been around for at least 10 years if not longer. I think with all the hormone changes, surgery, and recovery I need something more. I'm very anxious to see my dr. on Wednesday to talk about my options. I hate feeling this way.
  #25  
Unread 03-31-2008, 01:12 PM
I don't want to get better......

Denise, None of our children are perfect and they all have their own set of problems. At least your daughter is still in school, maybe she is changing directions, but at least she did not drop out. That is a blessing. Your youngest son keeps his room somewhat clean and will do work to earn money. That is good also! Your oldest son is in the Navy but he hasn't gone AWOL, gotten thrown in the brig or kicked out on a dishonorable discharge.

None of your children are doing drugs! Do you know what a blessing that is! I knew someone whose son did drugs and it literally destroyed the family! So you see, you might not be the best parent in the world (but then again neither am I), but you did do some good with them!

I am trying to shine the light on the good in your children. They have problems like we all do, but they could be worse! Have you seen the Dr Phil show where the adult children are staying home playing games and watching TV all day. They won't get a job or go to school! Or the kid who is doing drugs and is so messed up he doesn't care what he is doing to his family.

Sometimes the world looks different when we look at it from a different perspective. It won't make it perfect, but it helps to appreciate the blessings. I hope you will be feeling better very soon.

I am glad you will be talking with your doctor. Going through a hysterectomy can be a very emotional time. It changes your life in a variety of ways.
  #26  
Unread 03-31-2008, 02:42 PM
I don't want to get better......

  Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyblue-eyes
Denise, None of our children are perfect and they all have their own set of problems. At least your daughter is still in school, maybe she is changing directions, but at least she did not drop out. That is a blessing. Your youngest son keeps his room somewhat clean and will do work to earn money. That is good also! Your oldest son is in the Navy but he hasn't gone AWOL, gotten thrown in the brig or kicked out on a dishonorable discharge.

None of your children are doing drugs! Do you know what a blessing that is! I knew someone whose son did drugs and it literally destroyed the family! So you see, you might not be the best parent in the world (but then again neither am I), but you did do some good with them!

I am trying to shine the light on the good in your children. They have problems like we all do, but they could be worse! Have you seen the Dr Phil show where the adult children are staying home playing games and watching TV all day. They won't get a job or go to school! Or the kid who is doing drugs and is so messed up he doesn't care what he is doing to his family.

Sometimes the world looks different when we look at it from a different perspective. It won't make it perfect, but it helps to appreciate the blessings. I hope you will be feeling better very soon.

I am glad you will be talking with your doctor. Going through a hysterectomy can be a very emotional time. It changes your life in a variety of ways.
Thank you so very much. You have been very helpful and your words are very encouraging.

Depression is an awful thing. I've suffered terribly over the last few years with heavy bleeding, pain, incontinence, missing work, etc., etc. The surgery I had was and still is very painful and very limiting. But the worse thing that I think I have felt through it all is this overwhelming depression. I am so sad. I'm so low it's hard to find anything in my life that is good, even though I know I have so much to be thankful for and I have been so Blessed through the years. It's like all I can do is think about my mistakes and errors through my entire life and I just can't seem to move on.

I just want it to stop. I just to be happy and I want everyone around me to be happy.
  #27  
Unread 03-31-2008, 05:20 PM
I don't want to get better......

Hi Denise -- I've been thinking about you today. Glad you've been in touch with the doc so that she's aware of everything when you come in on Wednesday. I, too, have been taking antidepressants for years, and they definitely do help. All of these ladies have made wonderful points in their posts. Wish I was closer so I could give you a big hug in person. Everything is going to work out fine.
  #28  
Unread 03-31-2008, 05:31 PM
I don't want to get better......

  Quote:
Originally Posted by a_new_life
Hi Denise -- I've been thinking about you today. Glad you've been in touch with the doc so that she's aware of everything when you come in on Wednesday. I, too, have been taking antidepressants for years, and they definitely do help. All of these ladies have made wonderful points in their posts. Wish I was closer so I could give you a big hug in person. Everything is going to work out fine.
Thank you so much, Ann and everyone. Today started out as an okay day. I thought I might actually make it through the day without a tear. Well, that didn't happen. It doesn't even take anyone particular event or anything to trigger it. I'll just be sitting here in my boredom and the evil thoughts creep into my head. Next thing you know, tears are rolling down my face. I swear I think this is worse than the first days home from the castle. I think I'd rather suffer through more physical pain than through this emotional nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from. I can't wait until Wednesday!
  #29  
Unread 03-31-2008, 05:34 PM
I don't want to get better......

I have a sister with clinical depression who had to switch her medication recently. After a number of years, apparently mer medication just stopped working. She had to try a couple of new meds before she found one that works for her, but she is much better now. At the time her medication stopped working, she said she was very, very depressed.

It sounds as if your children still have some growing up to do - I am of the opinion that it takes them to the age of 25 to even begin to show consistent, responsible adult behavior. But, overall, it does not sound as if they are "bad apples."

When my son was a teenager, I used to get upset over some of his behavior that I thought was bad. For example, he was working part time for a surveyor who would not always pay him, yet he would not look for another job. When he got his first full-time job with the railroad, the RR was delighted he had surveying skills and it really helped him with his job.

Now that DS is 29, I look back and think I did good because: (1) he doesn't have a criminal record and (2) he has a good job. Being able to buy a townhouse on his own and having married a wonderful woman are the "icing on the cake."

Hang in there, Denise, and know that you have hyster sisters who care.
  #30  
Unread 04-01-2008, 07:22 AM
I don't want to get better......

I felt the exact same way about getting back to reality. I had alot of hormonal issues as well. You're still pretty early in your recovery, just give your body time to adjust. Your hormones will eventually come back to normal but do discuss it with your doctor. I went back to work after 4 weeks(stupid)and the day I got back, I think everyone saved up everything for the last month and dumped it in my lap. Needless to say, I felt very overwhelmed and I cried right there in front of everyone. I am almost 4 months out and I am now feeling more myself again. There is hope, you're not crazy!! Good luck at the doctor and let us know how it goes. We're here for you!
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