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I don't want to get better...... I don't want to get better......

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  #31  
Unread 04-01-2008, 08:34 AM
I don't want to get better......

Denise,
I totally understand how you are feeling. This is one of the first times in my life that everyone is so concerned with me and really pampering me. I became a single mom (after 18 yrs of marriage!) and put my dreams on hold. I was always the "smart" one, the one everyone expected to do well. I ended up marrying a cheating, stealing drug addict and my life was hell, so when I put him out, it actually became better.

A few weeks before my surgery, my pastor did a sermon on "Seasons". How one season prepares us for the next and if how if we don't do the things we should in our current season, it will affect the next one. I am 51 and technically in my fall season, I thought about the bad credit scores that I got trying to take care of 2 children on my own, how I did not have a home like most people my age and was still renting, was overweight and had not finished college, had no substantial savings to speak of. I came home from church and really gave my life a lot of thought. Then I remembered the focus of the sermon, even if you messed up in one season, it was never too late to correct those mistakes and still be on track for the coming season. I was sitting at home feeling like I had accomplished nothing with my life, that my goals had not been met. Then it came to me, my goal had been to raise my children, to survive and I had. I am a survivor and you are too! Our children are not on drugs, in gangs robbing and stealing from us. We did good! I decided to finish school (culinary arts) and you can too. I came up with a savings plan, you can too! I have lost over 50 lbs. I may not be where I want to be, but I'm not where I used to be! Its never too late to change. I also learned that we can not change other people, that's Gods job, all we can do is change ourselves, you have the ability to be and do anything that you want to do.

Sorry to be so preachy, but I hate to see you beat up on yourself, there are too many other people in the world who want that job, so don't you accept the position! Below is an email that I received yesterday and I want to share it with you. Sometimes we focus so much on whats wrong, that we forget about what's right. I am praying for you and sending thoughts of peace and love to you and your family.


This Week's Topic: What's Right With You?

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."
- Philippians 4:8

Dear Friend,

Is there a challenge or problem that frustrates you right now? Perhaps there is a situation or person that you've become critical of. Does your frustration with what's wrong cause you to lose sight of what's right? In relationships, jobs, finances and even your health, I've noticed that there is a natural tendency in our sometimes pessimistic culture to hone in on what's wrong with people and situations. Sometimes this is the focus even when there isn't much wrong at all.

This week, I challenge you to focus on what's right in your life. Rather than, "What's wrong with you?", my question is "What's right with you?" Of course, there are times when there are so many things wrong with a person or a situation that it's clearly time for a change. But I have found that more often than not, our thoughts can be out of balance. The things that are wrong are blown out of proportion. "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things," the apostle Paul advises in Philippians 4:8.

Often the criticism you give yourself and others is a result of the pattern you learned elsewhere - from parents, teachers, bosses or peers. People are quick to point out what's wrong with a person or a situation, but it's just as important in every valuable relationship and situation to point out what's right. Consider how you could focus more on what's right and lovely, pure and noble, admirable and praiseworthy with the following people in your life:

1. With your spouse or significant other.
The person you are closest to can be most vulnerable to the "what's wrong with you?" syndrome. When you are close to someone, you see all of their shortcomings - often daily and with consequences that you experience directly. But don't lose sight of why your sweetheart is so special to you in the first place. It's certainly OK to address issues that need to be addressed, but put things into proper perspective. What's right about your spouse or significant other? Are you spending more time focusing on what frustrates you rather than what brings you joy in your relationship?

2. With family members.
Most people in our lives are not going to change. Make a decision to accept your family members as they are. Find something to appreciate about them and focus on it. There will always be something you can complain about, but healthy relationships are not based on complaints and conditional love. They are based on acceptance and unconditional love.

3. With kids.
As kids, we are taught to conform and fit in. Being different is not often rewarded. "Stop that!," "Those shoes don't go with that shirt!," or "You're talking too much!" are just a few of the phrases a parent might utter to a child in an effort to get him or her to do things "right." Of course, it's important to teach a child (Proverbs 22:6) - but it's also important to balance criticism with encouragement and praise (Romans 14:19). Kids need to know they are doing something right. It builds their confidence and self-esteem. Be intentional about acknowledging them for what they do well.

4. Your work.
There may be aspects of your work that are not going as you would like, but it may serve you well to focus less on those aspects and more on the blessings of your work situation. Even if it doesn't seem like there are many blessings, there are some. So stay focused on the positive.

5. Yourself.
Sure. There may be some things you need to work on, but there are many more things that you can celebrate about yourself and your progress. Beating yourself up for things you regret or wish were different will not change the past. Focus on the present. Celebrate your milestones. And if you have a legitimate complaint about some aspect of your behavior or your life, then take action towards changing it. It's your choice. Stop complaining and work towards your solution. Focus your energy on what you want and you'll create just that.

Journaling assignment:
In what ways am I overly critical of things, people or myself? What new thoughts would I like to focus on in these areas?

My challenge to you:
For the next seven days, choose to focus on what's right about the things and people in your life, as well as what's right about you!

Until next time ...
Warm wishes,


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  #32  
Unread 04-09-2008, 09:39 AM
I don't want to get better......

Denise,You are NOT crazy!I think you are brave to say what many of us have felt.I agree about the fear of going back to work and having everyone think I am 100%.I am afraid of being thrown into the regular routine and not being able to keep up...physically and emotionally.
I wish you the best of Luck and hang in there!
  #33  
Unread 04-09-2008, 10:19 AM
I don't want to get better......

I also don't think you are crazy. You have had major surgery and because this deals with your hormones whether you kept your ovaries or not your emotions are all over the place. Please talk to you doctor about this. This is so important. You will get better. Please take care of yourself. You are important.
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  #34  
Unread 04-09-2008, 10:57 AM
I don't want to get better......

I posted this when I was in my depths of depression about two weeks ago. I have since been put on hormones. Today she upped my hormones and my Paxil so I should be pretty stable. It's still a day to day struggle but I'm starting to cope better each day. Hopefully, the upping of the meds will help me to struggle a little less.

Thanks,
  #35  
Unread 04-09-2008, 12:00 PM
I don't want to get better......

I remember feeling like that. I loved the time I had off. I spent hours at a local park feeding the ducks, and sitting in the sun! The first couple of weeks I had a few emotional meltdowns that I worried about, but those passed. By the time I came back to work 7 weeks later I was ready to get out of my house. Now, if I had won the Lottery or somehow if my employer had wanted to pay me disability indefinately, I could have gone for that. I don't think you are being selfish or an ingrate for not having more issues, I just that everyone has there own time frame to heal physically and emotionally after having this kind of surgery. This is my one year anniversary, and I was wishing that I could have some more paid time off, without being seriously ill, though. There isn't much else they could remove without it presenting some huge issues. Enjoy this time for what it is, and know that it is going to be OK!
  #36  
Unread 04-13-2008, 10:59 PM
I don't want to get better......

  Quote:
Originally Posted by DeniseS
I was in school up until last year. I've not only asked for my family's support but have begged for it. But they never made it easy. I, too, have that feeling of inferiority in the back of my mind. Especially when I see so many people my age and younger being so successful. My doctor is one of them. Everytime I think of her, I think of what I could have been and am not. Just because I was an impatient teenager that wanted out of the house. This depression is awful. It's making me regret everything in my life. I hate feeling this way.
Ah Denise,

We need a big group hug. I understand your depression. Just know that Einstein along with some of the other great Nobel prize winners have made their greatest discoveries or succeeded in their greatest accomplishments at an age older then ours. I am 51, TAH, and just finished a bachelor's, postponing surgery until it was done. It was my fifth attempt at this same class! with life always having gotten in the way. So, after many years at the attempt, I earned it. That in itself is an accomplishment whether or not it will be of use now we shall see. I thought both of my children would have theirs before I had mine. Only one did. But go for it woman, when time allows, and finish what your mind and soul want so dearly.

It is something to aspire to. In the meantime know that you are lifted up in prayer and love,

A sister in love and light
  #37  
Unread 04-14-2008, 04:41 AM
I don't want to get better......

  Quote:
Originally Posted by booklvr
Ah Denise,

We need a big group hug. I understand your depression. Just know that Einstein along with some of the other great Nobel prize winners have made their greatest discoveries or succeeded in their greatest accomplishments at an age older then ours. I am 51, TAH, and just finished a bachelor's, postponing surgery until it was done. It was my fifth attempt at this same class! with life always having gotten in the way. So, after many years at the attempt, I earned it. That in itself is an accomplishment whether or not it will be of use now we shall see. I thought both of my children would have theirs before I had mine. Only one did. But go for it woman, when time allows, and finish what your mind and soul want so dearly.

It is something to aspire to. In the meantime know that you are lifted up in prayer and love,

A sister in love and light
What amazing and uplifting words to wake up to. Thank you so very much. I am actually doing much better now. I stilll have issues with depression but I have a very supportive doctor who has increased my dosage of Paxil. We are also working on HRT to help with things.

As far as school goes, I'm actually registering for summer classes today. I have to have a couple of more surgeriers. I have to have some cosmetic issues dealt with from the recent gyn procedures I just had done. The other is just to have a large heel spur removed. On top of that I'm due to have six dental implants done at the end of May. So, I'm going to concentrate on just a couple of classes a semester right now. But then I'm planning on entering Surgical Tech school in January.

So I definitely feel hope again and am trying to live in a positive frame of mind. It's still work everyday to stay out of that pit of depression but hopefully someday it won't be so much work.

Thanks again for your kind words!
  #38  
Unread 04-14-2008, 11:53 AM
I don't want to get better......

Have you ever had your vitamin D level checked? I suffered for years with not feeling quite right. I knew I should be happy but didn't always feel that way. Everything was a struggle and everything was overwhelming! Then I went to an endrocrinologist for my thyroid instead of letting the gp handle it. With menopause my TSH was bouncing all over the place. I told him how I felt and he ran a number of tests, vitamin D levels being one of them. It showed my levels were low and he put me on a mega-dose every 2 weeks. WHAT A DIFFERENCE! I can honestly say I wasn't nervous going into surgery, and the last time I had surgery was in 1959 for my tonsils out! My outlook is tons better and I don't fret and worry so much. My aches and pains are diminished by about 80%. Dr. Oz says at least 60% of the population is low in vitamin D.
  #39  
Unread 04-14-2008, 12:09 PM
I don't want to get better......

Denise,
You are not crazy! I have been depressed (more so) since my total hysterectomy in December. I was always one to be on the go 24/7 and since if I didn't have to leave the house, I don't.

It is a big adjustment for us all and our bodies have to adjust to the lack of hormones. Like the others said, it is part of the process as we heal.

Do you journal at all? Or have you thought of talking with a social worker? These things could help you.

Good luck to you! Just remember it is one day at a time as you heal body and mind.

Miss Martini
  #40  
Unread 04-14-2008, 02:43 PM
I don't want to get better......

I'm right there with you "girlfriend". I am 7 1/2 weeks post op. My doctor gave me 8 weeks. My boss was not very happy about that. She wanted me back 2 weeks after surgery. I have to go back to work next week and am dreading every minute of it. I have a very physically demanding job in the medical profession as an x-ray tech and I know when I return they will expect me to be 100%. I know I will have difficulty lifting patients and pushing stretchers and wheelchairs. I have to admit I enjoyed being pampered the first few weeks. I am the rock of my family. I take care of my 75 year old father and have since my mother passed away 16 years ago. My sister constantly asks for my help with her 2 boys and I never refuse her. They have made it well known they can't wait for me to get back to normal also. I keep telling myself I can deal with it but am freaking about having to get back to normal. Remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!!! LOTS OF HUGS TO YOU.
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