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Don't Want Mom at Hospital Don't Want Mom at Hospital

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  #1  
Unread 06-16-2008, 01:58 PM
Don't Want Mom at Hospital

Hi everyone. My mom (67 years-old) has some behavioral problems. She held a gun on my ex and called him all sorts of awful names while he was debilitated by depression. She has ruined my daughter's 8th grade graduation and my brother's. She started a fight with me on my last birthday (in April) and, the next day, returned (unopened) all of the Christmas presents I'd given her. When we were kids, she threatened to kill us and herself or to give us to foster homes. She's abused us physically and verbally and probably other ways as well. These are just a few--and the most recent--examples of the hell she has put us through over the years. On the other hand, when she isn't being psychotic, she's generous, and (apparently) caring. For instance, she has allowed me to drive one of her cars for the past few years and has even paid for auto insurance. It's so confusing to me. Anyway, she assumed she would be coming with me to the hospital. But I told her as kindly as I could that I didn't know if she and my ex (we're still together) would be able to get along in the waiting room. He hates her. Of course that hurt her feelings and she said, coldly, to have someone call her and tell her how my surgery went. To complicate matters, she is a nurse. I'm sure she believes she would be an asset to me. But she's just an added stressor. Now I feel guilty. Any comments? Thanks!
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  #2  
Unread 06-16-2008, 02:11 PM
Don't Want Mom at Hospital

Oh my goodness! I feel like that is my post....seriously! Except my mom is younger. She is a diagnosed narcissistic (at least now I know it's not just me) and it really does tend to be more stressing with her around than helpful. Huge hugs! In reality, there is no easy way around the situation. Because she is really more a stressor for you then she should not be there at all during the surgery. Maybe turning it around that you would like to have her help in other ways. Play up that side of it. "Mom, I really could use your help with this....". Like my mom, I have her helping more with taking my oldest to summer school and helping him out on the weekends with his two baby brothers while dh is working because I'm not going to be able to do anything while recovering.

Give her very specific duties. Play the whole "you are a huge help mom, don't know how I could get through this without you". Yes, you do love your mom and do appreciate all the generosities she provides. I also completely understand the other side of it, too.
  #3  
Unread 06-16-2008, 03:30 PM
Don't Want Mom at Hospital

That's excellent advice! Thank you. If your mom is as awful as mine, I think they're lucky we even consider their feelings at all! BTW, I'm amazed that your mom was diagnosed. Mine, of course, has no reason to see a counselor because she has nothing wrong with her. Ha-ha.
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  #4  
Unread 06-16-2008, 04:19 PM
Don't Want Mom at Hospital

My mom went through the counceling sessions because she took a stress leave from her job (a move to keep herself from getting fired). Oh, and as soon as the diagnosis was made....she stopped seeing the psych because he was obviously uneducated and received his degree from the gumball machine. LOL

Oh, and I'm extremely sensitive to smells so it helps that I'm having my surgery at the surgery center that utilizes a lot of the same staff (they rotate) that works at the hospital I frequented. They are VERY aware of my issues with my mother and they advicate for me. "Sorry, she's not allowed visitors at this time." hehehehe

OOH! That's another option for you! Have the nurses and dr's be the "bad guys"! LOL They will no problem with doing that too! Sometimes they get stress relief by saying "No, you need you to leave."
  #5  
Unread 06-16-2008, 04:39 PM
Don't Want Mom at Hospital

My mom is not all bad, but does tend to make any and every stressful situation all about her, and sometimes she acts inappropriately in certain situations. DH has no idea how to handle her, and was a bit worried about waiting with her while I was in surgery. I just found out that my Grandmom (l love her - she is the best!) will be there too. I bet she is going to keep my Mom in check. DH gets along really well with my Grandparents, so he is thrilled.

Best of luck to everyone!
  #6  
Unread 06-16-2008, 04:42 PM
Don't Want Mom at Hospital

Way to go grandmom! Yeah, she'll keep your mom in check. I'm sure she's got quite a bit of experience on how to do that. Maybe your dh will also be able to pick up a few pointers.
  #7  
Unread 06-16-2008, 05:26 PM
Don't Want Mom at Hospital

she sounds bipolar, I am not diagnosing just going from experience. I act very similar off meds. thats why I am so scared of surgically induced menopause.
anyway, yes make the docs and nurses the bad guys, tell them ahead of time please don;'t let my mom stay here.
they will make a reason up that will not implicate you.
you don't need that stress on you while you are trying to recover.
hugs. me.
  #8  
Unread 06-16-2008, 05:48 PM
Don't Want Mom at Hospital

Thanks again, everyone. I'll let the doctors and nurses know what to expect. I don't want them taking their frustrations with her out on me!
  #9  
Unread 06-16-2008, 10:49 PM
Don't Want Mom at Hospital

My mother can be very "opinionated" and "overbearing" at times, and it can really get on my nerves. After I had my first bladder lift, she asked why I didn't go ahead and have my doctor perform a hysterectomy on me. Well, at that time, I had heard some horror stories about the surgery and HRT, and my fibroids weren't giving me much trouble. Later, when the cramping and the pain had me doubled over about every other month, and after I decided to have my hysterectomy, I talked it over with my brother and we agreed to keep my surgery between the two of us. To this day, my mother doesn't know I've had a hysterectomy. Some things are best left kept a secret.

I can't offer you much advice, but I can wish you well for your surgery and recovery. Good luck to you!

Carol
  #10  
Unread 06-17-2008, 02:59 AM
Don't Want Mom at Hospital

I have no advice for your situation. I can only say that you are a much more understanding person than I'd ever be. If my mother abused me as a child and late in life held a gun to my husband's head, I'd have gotten a restraining order against her and would have taken any and all steps to keep her away from my children.
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