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Marital disagreement - things you can control vs. things you cannot Marital disagreement - things you can control vs. things you cannot

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Unread 11-02-2008, 06:04 AM
Marital disagreement - things you can control vs. things you cannot

Hi all - at over 8 weeks post-op I still have some post-op sensations which are not terrible, and I understand are fairly normal. My problem is that if I ever forget, and comment on them, my husband gets on my back about how bad my health habits are or how I am eating the wrong foods, or how I do not exercise enough.

Actually, I lost 7 lbs. in prep for the surgery and have lost 4 to 5 more lbs. since. My BMI is within a healthy range. I am very careful about my portions and generally eat healthy foods including daily intake of nuts, fruits, and veggies. Also I walk a lot on a daily basis and yesterday participated in a 2 mile race. (Not a great time, but I finished!)

My husband is a runner and generally eats whatever he wants and pretty large portions of it to boot. He does burn it off as he runs long distances nearly every day, so I'm sure it's fine. However, he seems convinced that every health problem or symptom is 100% within an individual's control - I'm starting to find it irritating and am tired of being blamed for things that I actually don't feel I have complete control over during this post-op period. Essentially, I'm tired of being judged and tired of the fact that I can't let a comment slip about any physical sensation I am experiencing. I'm also tired of not being able to ever enjoy a rib, say, or a piece of halloween candy without comment.

I will add that our experiences of health matters growing up have been very different. I lost a lot of family members to cancer at young ages, for example while his folks have been blessed with great health (genetic?) even though some of them are, in fact, quite a bit overweight and do not share his passion for exercise.

Is any one else experiencing this kind of thing with a spouse or significant other? How have you handled it?
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Unread 11-02-2008, 06:41 AM
Marital disagreement - things you can control vs. things you cannot

I can not say I experienced this. I am sorry, I have no suggestions. I do feel for you.

My family has very bad genetics, I am one of the healthier ones. I get sick easily and frequently, no matter what I do. (Actually I haven't been physically ill since my hyster.) My dh rarely ever gets sick. He can eat anything he wants with no bad results. He isn't into exercise either. He weighs the same as the day I meet him 19 years ago.

I do believe genetics plays a large part of it. I do not think everything is under our complete control. I exercise daily, I will admit it is walking. I eat healthy. I have consulted a nutritionist, and even she can not give me any pointers to improve my diet. My doctors have no suggestions either. But I am obese, diabetic, etc... The scale will not go down. It floats within a 20 lb mark.
Unread 11-02-2008, 08:18 AM
Marital disagreement - things you can control vs. things you cannot

Oh Bwonk do I hear you!

My DH believes that positive mental attitude solves EVERYTHING. He does not think that you should give in to aches or pains at all.

His first wife & Daughter have already been through menopause (DD due to cancer issues at a very young age) so when I started to mention my symptoms & how I was feeling I got "You will be fine, don't forget I have been through this twice already". So I haven't mentioned it again!

What's funny is that I am generally fitter, skinnier & healthier than him & I eat a better diet and my alcohol intake is so much less.

That said, he was been really wonderful & supportive through this process with a couple of glitches and I wouldn't swap him for the world - love is blind so they say :-)

Thank goodness we can come on here and be understood!


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Unread 11-03-2008, 06:56 PM
Marital disagreement - things you can control vs. things you cannot

Thank so much for your responses!

Katy, my husband did also try to help out w/ things during the immediate post-op period and was supportive in regards to housework, cooking and etc. He just has *no* patience for any of the worry I had or the comments i now occasionally make. I am trying to remember now just not to make them & to save them for the board! This board is definitely a godsend...

BTW, menopause can be very different for different people as I'm sure you know! Your husband actually hasn't been through it even though he has relatives who have...
Unread 11-03-2008, 06:59 PM
Marital disagreement - things you can control vs. things you cannot

Sue1 - i was interested to read that you haven't been sick since your hysterectomy! i think that's great. Could the trouble losing weight simply be due to menopause?
Unread 11-04-2008, 07:00 AM
Marital disagreement - things you can control vs. things you cannot

It might be. But I may also just be genetically predisposed to being obese. I have seriously considered the gastric banding procedure. I don't believe in using the "easy" way out. But i have tried for years and years with no success.

But... dh doesn't approve of it, and is really resisting any mention of it. It goes back to this topic on husbands and attitudes. He believes if I "really" wanted to lose weight, I could easily.
Unread 11-04-2008, 10:33 AM
Marital disagreement - things you can control vs. things you cannot

yes, the dh issue can be very frustrating. Ironically, mine keeps going on and on about the aches and pains he has due to the great distances he feels he must run each week. I am glad he is in to the exercise, but aren't those aches and pains something he can control as well???? everything in moderation?

I listen and try to offer advice and support, but it sure would be nice to have that reciprocated! I do not feel I can control all health issues related to hysterectomy or impending menopause!!!

I think you should get whatever procedure you feel comfortable having. Even if he doesn't approve, it *is* your body!
Unread 11-04-2008, 02:40 PM
Marital disagreement - things you can control vs. things you cannot

Oh my, it is good to know that at times all DH's can be bafoons, yesterday at dinner I made myself a diet mountain dew my vice that at this time I am unwilling to give up, he started acting like I was a 9 year old who had the flu, informing me that I needed to be drinking HI-C, I shot him a look and continued drinking my dew, while listing to him say I did'nt want to get better, finally I told him to shut up or I was going to snap, he shut up. I really don't think that unless you have gone through a hyst, which our Dh's never will, you don't fully understand and you should probaly keep opinions to your self, I think in the future my guy will, if he knows what is good for him.
Unread 11-09-2008, 07:49 PM
Marital disagreement - things you can control vs. things you cannot

Diana - i am just now seeing your post. Thanks, and I think I will try out the 'shut up' response. Hope he is off your back some now...
Unread 11-09-2008, 08:13 PM
Marital disagreement - things you can control vs. things you cannot

I think I'd tell him that if he had been the one to have surgery he'd be in low gear and , possibly, his appetite would be off, too. Sorry but I'm divorced and sure hate to read about any husband who isn't understanding. I'd probably tell him a few other things, too! Think of yourself, take it easy and don't let anyone make you feel bad. These surgeries can take a long time to recover from and being kind to yourself is important. Health issues are all different for everyone and he appears to be narrow minded about this; ignore him and pamper yourself! When he starts sqwaking--tell him to go for a run! Best wishes!

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