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Am I being selfish??? Am I being selfish???

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  #1  
Unread 01-13-2009, 01:58 PM
Am I being selfish???

Hello sisters,
Need some advice, opinions, two cents, etc...
I'm 36, I had my hysterectomy in 2000, it's been awhile since all my parts have been gone. Ever since, I think I have buried it so deep because it was so hard to handle and I've been completely on my own. I have a family, mom, sis, friends, but no one who has had this type of disease and surgery and years of blood sweat and tears, literally. Now, all these years later, I'm finally trying to "deal" with things but it's not easy at all!! I've decided to not date right now and here is my main reason. I'm having a hard time thinking that I can be with someone when there is a possiblity that he could be with someone else who can give him the children that I can't. I've seen ex-boyfriends who have moved on and have kids now and just the looks on their faces I know it's something so incredible. It's so hard to explain to others, and one of my very good friends called me selfish and it really hurt my feelings! I don't know, I just really need some space and I can only deal with one thing at a time. Maybe because I have been alone for so long it's become easier that way. I don't want to be alone forever but I'm really having a hard time with this. For some reason it's just all coming to the surface and I don't think I can bury it anymore...Thanks for listening!!!!
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  #2  
Unread 01-13-2009, 10:35 PM
Am I being selfish???

Hi Ve:

My 2 cents: I don't think you're being selfish at all and I don't understand how your friend could say that you are. It bugs me to no end when people judge another without walking even an inch in their shoes and have no inkling whatsoever what we think, feel, or experience on a daily continuous basis.

I too have no children although I am married (and have been for 29 years). But I can understand how you are feeling. There are still plenty of times I think if only my hubby had married someone else, he'd have had the children he always wanted.

I also have issues with some family members who ignored me like the plague when I was diagnosed and now, 2 years later, expect me to be my "old" self and just "get over it already" and be their best friend on their terms. That really REALLY burns me when I allow myself to think about it. For the most part though, I just do my best to not waste any of my precious time on them and when I hear they said this or said that, I offer no excuses or explanations - I owe them nothing.

They do not understand and no amount of explaining can make them understand what you, me, and many, many other women go through each day. There are days where I even stay away from my hubby because, like you, I need my space and want to be left alone.

As for everything coming to the surface, it will. Nothing stays buried forever and our mind and body has to find a way to handle it. It's not easy, but you can do it. And this is a great place to do that. So many women here have been where you are and will help you through. They understand and can relate to what you are feeling.

There's a "grieving process" that we go through after a hyster and you may be experiencing that now. There are lots of threads on this site about it - you may want to spend some time searching and reading them. It helped me tremendously just knowing that there was one other woman who knew what I was going through and understood.

Just take it one step and one day at a time. You'll get through it. And remember that when you think you don't have the strength to continue, just look deep inside yourself, listen to your inner mind and body and you'll find it and be able to carry on.

Take care of yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you. And sending you tons of cyberhugs.
  #3  
Unread 01-14-2009, 11:21 AM
Am I being selfish???

Veolynn,

You sound so full of heartache, and I'd like to add a couple comments to your thinking.

"Selfish" is not necessarily a bad thing, even if your friend meant it that way. If we don't look out after ourselves, who will? If you know that you need time and space to work through your grief, you are entitled to that. In this case, "selfish" is just another word for "self-advocate." If you need time and space, take it. Anyone who imposes on that is being self-centered. Is it possible, though, that your friend is concerned for you and was trying to think of something to get a response from you? It may be that her intention was something other than causing you pain.

Also, the fact that your ex-boyfriends have gone on to happily have families doesn't mean that every man would want that. Some men want no children at all or aren't able to father any. Some men come with children of their own. My brother-in-law lost his wife to cancer when he was 34 and had a 4-year old. He eventually remarried, and his wife views my nephew (who is now 13) as her own. They are very close, and she is the one he considers as mom, since he barely remembers his mother.

Your surgery does not preclude a man or children, but until you work through your grief, your feelings might. It is hard to make changes that involve taking risk, and you need to build your emotional strength to be ready to do this.

I'm sending a big hug your way as you work through a way of coming to terms with your grief. If it's been coming to the surface recently, maybe it's a sign that you're ready to work through the next phase of this for you. Be strong.
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  #4  
Unread 01-14-2009, 02:59 PM
Thank you...

  Quote:
Originally Posted by vikingprincess
Hi Ve:

My 2 cents: I don't think you're being selfish at all and I don't understand how your friend could say that you are. It bugs me to no end when people judge another without walking even an inch in their shoes and have no inkling whatsoever what we think, feel, or experience on a daily continuous basis.

I too have no children although I am married (and have been for 29 years). But I can understand how you are feeling. There are still plenty of times I think if only my hubby had married someone else, he'd have had the children he always wanted.

I also have issues with some family members who ignored me like the plague when I was diagnosed and now, 2 years later, expect me to be my "old" self and just "get over it already" and be their best friend on their terms. That really REALLY burns me when I allow myself to think about it. For the most part though, I just do my best to not waste any of my precious time on them and when I hear they said this or said that, I offer no excuses or explanations - I owe them nothing.

They do not understand and no amount of explaining can make them understand what you, me, and many, many other women go through each day. There are days where I even stay away from my hubby because, like you, I need my space and want to be left alone.

As for everything coming to the surface, it will. Nothing stays buried forever and our mind and body has to find a way to handle it. It's not easy, but you can do it. And this is a great place to do that. So many women here have been where you are and will help you through. They understand and can relate to what you are feeling.

There's a "grieving process" that we go through after a hyster and you may be experiencing that now. There are lots of threads on this site about it - you may want to spend some time searching and reading them. It helped me tremendously just knowing that there was one other woman who knew what I was going through and understood.

Just take it one step and one day at a time. You'll get through it. And remember that when you think you don't have the strength to continue, just look deep inside yourself, listen to your inner mind and body and you'll find it and be able to carry on.

Take care of yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you. And sending you tons of cyberhugs.
vikingprincess,
Thanks for all your thoughts. It's amazing how people so close to you can get so frustrated with you because they just don't have a clue! And we are the ones going through it not only ourselves but half the time having to walk other people through it, what's wrong with that picture...
I think it's great that you have been married for so long, sounds like you have a very understanding fellow there...I do have hope that I will find someone one day, I think that maybe I need to be by myself and not looking until I get through it. Yes, I've been just "dealing" for so long and I think that it's time to grieve and try and move on. It will never go away, I know that and don't expect it to, I think my biggest thing is I don't want to feel so incredibly jealous and angry all the time. I'm not that type of person but it's like I have no control over it right now. Well, like you said, one day at a time and this site is so fabulous!!!!!
Sending hugs back to you and thanks for the 2cents!!
Veolynn
  #5  
Unread 01-14-2009, 03:06 PM
I agree...

  Quote:
Originally Posted by ctaylor64
Veolynn,

You sound so full of heartache, and I'd like to add a couple comments to your thinking.

"Selfish" is not necessarily a bad thing, even if your friend meant it that way. If we don't look out after ourselves, who will? If you know that you need time and space to work through your grief, you are entitled to that. In this case, "selfish" is just another word for "self-advocate." If you need time and space, take it. Anyone who imposes on that is being self-centered. Is it possible, though, that your friend is concerned for you and was trying to think of something to get a response from you? It may be that her intention was something other than causing you pain.

Also, the fact that your ex-boyfriends have gone on to happily have families doesn't mean that every man would want that. Some men want no children at all or aren't able to father any. Some men come with children of their own. My brother-in-law lost his wife to cancer when he was 34 and had a 4-year old. He eventually remarried, and his wife views my nephew (who is now 13) as her own. They are very close, and she is the one he considers as mom, since he barely remembers his mother.

Your surgery does not preclude a man or children, but until you work through your grief, your feelings might. It is hard to make changes that involve taking risk, and you need to build your emotional strength to be ready to do this.

I'm sending a big hug your way as you work through a way of coming to terms with your grief. If it's been coming to the surface recently, maybe it's a sign that you're ready to work through the next phase of this for you. Be strong.
I agree with you and now I am able to look at "selfish" in a whole new way that I never thought of before. I still have hope, it's been so many years of being alone that I get really scared sometimes. But yes, I think it's finally time to really deal with this and try and move past it. I don't really know what that means or how exactly to go about it but I have to figure that one out and hopefully I will. This site gives me so many different perspectives and I find advice and helpful hints everywhere! It's given me some strength back that I really thought I had lost! I just want to smile, not just physically but emotionally as well, ya know??
Thank you so much!!!
I'll take all those hugs:-)))) And send you some back....take care!
Veolynn
  #6  
Unread 01-14-2009, 06:14 PM
Am I being selfish???

I agree with ctaylor64, there are men out there who don't want and/or can't have, or have children of their own already.

When I met my husband in 2001, I told him on our first date that I didn't want any children. (This was before a miscarriage and a ruptured ectopic after we were married). That way, if he did want children, he could just get out right away and we would know we weren't right for each other.

They are out there - maybe hard to find sometimes, but they are there. (I met my husband on a blind date that was set up by his sister whom I worked with at the time).
  #7  
Unread 01-15-2009, 09:52 AM
Timing...

Thanks...obi 1. That's also been a concern, how early should I tell someone. Guys are so weird automatically, I don't want to tell him right off the bat and him think that I'm already thinking that far ahead...does that make sense? And is there really ever a "right time" for news like that??
I know there's someone special out there for me, he has to be special to put up with me...haha!
Thanks again!!
  #8  
Unread 01-31-2009, 08:33 AM
Am I being selfish???

I can totally relate to your situation. I had my total hysterectomy 10 years ago. I tried for everything I could think of for 5 years after that to get my husband to leave me because I felt that he deserved someone who could give him children. I wanted so desperatly for him to experience being a daddy. No matter what I did, he wouldn't leave. I finally had to come to terms with the fact that I am not damaged goods, or "less than" because I couldn't give him children. I still struggle with it but had to realize that he loves me no matter what. Don't give up there are men out there that will love you no matter your situation. Just give it time. I'll be praying for you.
  #9  
Unread 02-03-2009, 05:51 PM
Thank You!

Thank you for such kind words and sharing part of you with me! I think that I have buried everything for so long and it's really hitting the surface now and I'm struggling worse than when it first happened! These words of encourgement are something that I've never had before and it's surely a blessing to me! I'm going to keep my head up and get through!
Thank you so very much!!
Tammi
  #10  
Unread 02-03-2009, 06:41 PM
Am I being selfish???

I have been thinking about your situation for a couple of weeks. It took me a while to compose a good response.
I don't think your choosing not to date right now is selfish. It depends on what your reasons are. I myself remained deliberately single for many years before getting into a relationship. I think it would have been a mistake for me to get into a relationship without dealing with some of my issues, and I still have a long way to go with some of them.
If your primary reason for not wanting to get into a relationship is that you are worried that your not being able to have children would be a deal breaker, as several other sisters have said, that isn't necessarily the case. Yes, there are men out there who will consider it a deal breaker, but there are also men who already have children, and men who don't want children or don't care that much either way and wouldn't consider it a problem. There's also the possibility of adoption. Having a hysterectomy doesn't mean that you're "damaged goods" and you still deserve to have a relationship even if you can't have children.
As for when to tell, I'm not sure what to say. I have never wanted children and have always favored being up front about it, but that is a different sort of situation. My DBF and I were friends for some time before we started going out, and I deliberately asked his feelings about having children before I agreed to go out with him.

It also sounds like you are dealing with a lot of issues surrounding your hysterectomy which you'd either buried or put aside at the time, which are now coming up to the surface. You might need to deal with these at least somewhat before doing anything major. You said you're not sure how to start. I'm not sure what those issues are, but would seeing a counselor help if you are really confused about how to deal with your grief and move past this?

Hugs,
Velvet and Lace
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