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Chemo day - Thursday, kinda scared... Chemo day - Thursday, kinda scared...

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Unread 01-20-2009, 08:23 PM
Chemo day - Thursday, kinda scared...

Well I had my pre chemo CT today, and chemo starts Thursday. I've been pretty good emotionally up until today. Through my work as a nurse I've worked with CA patients and thought I was fairly educated in the CA field, but my nursing knowledge has taken a back seat in the bus when it comes to me, lol. Today my emotions have taken hold, very weepy, very quiet, worry worry worry. I'm scared about loosing my hair, and the neuropathy even more so. My mind is going a mile a minute!! As a nurse I've seen many a CA pt go through chemo with absolutely no side effects what so ever, but here I am worried about so many things that through positive thinking I may not even have effect me!! I've called the oncology clinic to make sure thats what my Thurs appt is and ask them if I can eat beforehand, when I already know the answers. I told a nurse from CCAC (Canadian health care home support) she could come tomorrow when I know I'll call in the am to cancel. I am a very private person and have more support from family, friends and co workers. I know if/when I need anything theres more than enough people to call so I really shouldn't have told the CCAC nurse to come, lol.
As for my first "chemo day", I've had so many offers of "chemo sitters" so I know I won't be there alone. What I don't want is for when I can't handle something and start to cry, I hate for others to see that. I've tried to be strong in front of others and with every passing day it's getting harder to do. Please tell me I'm not the only one going through this emotional turmoil!!!
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Unread 01-20-2009, 09:56 PM
Chemo day - Thursday, kinda scared...

Hi Terri - I will be rooting for a good and uneventful first day of chemo for you. Although you are a nurse, you are human first and foremost and it's so normal for you to be nervous. I'll bet that you are going to sail through chemo and get all of this behind you!!

Let us know how it went as we're here for you all the way!

Take care,

Unread 01-20-2009, 10:50 PM
Chemo day - Thursday, kinda scared...

hi terri...well, hopefully you will find that there's nothing to be scared about once you get the first treatment out of the way. funny enough, i wasn't scared at all, but then i had a horrible bad reaction at my first chemo treatment with the taxol, and then again with the second chemo treatment, so for me i had something to be scared! however, the chemo nurses came immediately to my aid (they always keep a close watch at the beginning), gave me some antidote and re-assured me, then when i settled down started the carboplatin. (taxol was cancelled for me).

after that, every treatment was fine. there was no pain or discomfort whatsoever, although always in the back of my mind i wondered if i would eventually have a reaction to the carboplatin (which can happen, even if you had no reaction before). i also had the standard side effects, especially after my first treatment when the anti-nausea drugs didn't work at all and the steroids made me twitch and unable to sleep. at my second treatment, the pharmacist came to see me and intervened with the gyn/onc to change the meds for me that are given for 3 days after each treatment. the new meds worked much better. you shouldn't have to suffer so much with the variety of meds today...if they don't work for you, then ask for a change.

you will get thru this, terri. sounds like you have a good support system. you don't need to appear strong. just take good care of yourself. let us know how you make out.

p.s. i've had to deal with ccac as well, not for me, but for my dad, who i looked after for 9 wks. (esophagus cancer) and now my f.i.l. that will soon be released from rehab. after hip replacement. as a nurse, you're probably already familiar with them. if you have any questions, <Oops! Please keep all offers of support on the boards. Thanks.>
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Unread 01-20-2009, 11:45 PM
Chemo day - Thursday, kinda scared...

Terri - I'll be thinking of you for your first chemo day - just remember, you can do this!
Unread 01-21-2009, 06:19 AM
Chemo day - Thursday, kinda scared...

Hi Terri,

Yeah....I was scared. I remember trying to sneak out the side door of the chemo suite, only to discover the door was locked.

As it turned out, I was one of those who basically had a very easy time of chemo. I used lots of imagery and positive thinking and made chemo my friend, helping me to kick cancer to the curb. All that was sooo very helpful to me.

You'll find your way through this, and you will find something that 'works' for you to help you.

I'm glad you have a great support system....remember, we'll all be here praying for you, too

you go girl! You can do it!
Unread 01-21-2009, 03:03 PM
Chemo day - Thursday, kinda scared...

Hi Terri,

I'm a lot like you in that I don't like to show the strong emotions in front of others; no crying, etc. But sometimes we have to learn to let go of the strong front and allow ourselves the emotions even in front of friends. Just remember that the nurses have seen it all and will completely understand. And your family & friends will also.

One thing you might consider is just having a good cry before you go, when you're still alone. Sometimes purging all that pent up emotion is helpful and will make it easier.

Wishing you the best,
Unread 01-21-2009, 08:09 PM
Chemo day - Thursday, kinda scared...

Thank you all for your kind words.... Have kept busy today, my parents took me to lunch (of which I didn't keep down, lol, nerves), little housework, and of course a couple good breakdowns. Gonna head to bed soon, at least if I'm sleeping I'm not thinking, lol... We'll talk to yeall soon.........
Unread 01-21-2009, 08:17 PM
Chemo day - Thursday, kinda scared...

Oh I forgot to add that I didn't cancel my CCAC appt this am, lol. Ended up it will be quite beneficial for me. The nurse explained to me that if I do end up having adverse effects, lets say on a weekend I can call the nursing service, they can assess anything over the phone or pay a home visit and contact the ER physician for orders/suggestions and if I would end up having to go to the ER I'd get in quicker, Yeah, I'm glad I didn't cancel, lol.
To all of my American sisters... you need to really fight for universal health care. I know what our health care here has done for me and now I see how much more it can and will help.... But all in all, I'm thinking positively and maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones with no adverse effects, lol. See ya all soon........
Unread 01-22-2009, 12:23 PM
Chemo day - Thursday, kinda scared...

Oh Terri Lee, you are by NO MEANS THE ONLY ONE GOING THROUGH EMOTIONAL TURMOIL! I face it daily, daily, daily!

I feel myself beginning the sink into a depressed state because of the emotional turmoil I feel. I have my daily "wailing in the shower," then my daily "sniffle sniffle" while on the phone with someone, then my daily hugs from my kids where I hold it back as best I can, and then, while in bed at night, I have my daily stuffed up nose and wet tissues under the pillow until the anti-anxiety med takes over so I can somewhat sleep. (Will there ever come a day I can rest my head on the pillow and fall asleep with no thoughts or worries or medications disrupting?)

I want to help prop you up, though. When getting the infusion, relax your body and say "oh well!" So far I've managed 2 chemos and a few days of what I call my "chemo days" where I feel like sh%$. But as I pull away from those chemo days, I start to slowly feel more myself. Of course, once I feel 100% better, it's time for chemo again.

But we survive, don't we? We survive another day.

Believe me, I have my mind racing constantly. There are many unknowns, and because of this, I feel out of control of my body and my life in general. The only thing we can do is to take each thing that comes up one issue at a time.

We can do this, HysterSister!! We can do this. Please let us know how your first experience with chemo has gone.

Unread 01-22-2009, 12:46 PM
Chemo day - Thursday, kinda scared...

Hi Terri,

I hope today went well for you.

Take Care,


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