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Very Depressed Very Depressed

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Unread 09-06-2001, 06:35 AM
Very Depressed

My house is finally quiet the kids have gone back to school, I really dont know if it is a good thing or not. They kept me going. I am very mixed up. Even when I try to smile I cant seem to do it anymore. I hide behind this strange unfeeling mood that I can put myself in when I need to. The lids to my little box I'm in are closing and I can not force them back open. I know that my situation is a lot different than most who have posted here and I sometimes feel bad posting. I do not have invasive cancer. Thats good for me. To imagine what some of you have gone through my problems dont look so bad. I started keeping a journal thinking that maybe it would help. Actually it just brought out more emotion. I dont want to talk on the phone, my poor dad has been trying to call me for days and I havent called him back yet. My mom has told him I am ok just need time. I catch myself feeling bad for myself and then I feel bad for feeling bad. Gulity as charged. I finally pulled myelf together long enough yesterday to call Mom's surgeon, we had a nice long talk, she only deals with the breast now, but she did "unoffically" give me her opinion. Then I played a little bingo online, and prepared for the next phone call the Oncologist. I called and was asked why my Dr. wanted me to see him because I had already made my decison. Oh well thank you, I feel better....not! I didnt know what to say. So I made the appointment and of course the waiting is the hardest part. It is not until Sept. 14th to just consult. I wonder if I had made the appointment in the New Jersey office if I could get in sooner. I just can not manage the daily garbage anymore, I have bills to pay, dont feel like it, I have thank you notes to write, dont feel like it, have mortgages to write, dont feel like it, laundry, food shopping, just dont feel like it. My heater is even broken and have I called the repair man, no I dont feel like it although I did manage to go outside and watch the Blue Angels practice yesterday. I heard the birds singing this morning come to think of it I didnt hear them singing when we were camping. Its sad to think of the things we forget to do. Take time to smell the roses. Everything seems different, I dont understand why. I am a strong person by nature, am I drowning in self pitty. I dont want to be here anymore, I dont want to deal with this. I was told that this is all because I have read so much that I have myself freaked out. Maybe I think to much. I know alot of this should be normal but why do I feel so guilty....
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Unread 09-06-2001, 10:01 AM
Very Depressed

You feel so guilty because you are normal!! Please remember that even though things seem so impossible now, they will get just need to have some faith. We are all here for you, so please know that you can come here and vent to all of us. I know that feeling of guilt. My episode with the whole cancer issue was nothing compared to some of the women that have been through this site, or that are still here now, but I still felt sorry for myself. Then I felt guilty for feeling sorry for myself. I learned that these are emotions that we can't push aside. We need to let our emotions out and stop trying to bottle them up, be it for those around us or what we have read from others. If you feel like you need to, then cry....cry hard and let out those emotions. Take a nice bath and pamper yourself. Start tomorrow with a new outlook. Get up and hear the birds singing, get dressed and push yourself out the door to do something for yourself. Visit a friend or even your place of worship. Remember your faith, whatever it may be. Just remember that you are not alone!!
I think that the one benefit from my whole cancer issue was that I realized so many things that I had to be thankful for. Then I fought to keep enjoying them...that is what kept me going each day. I hope that my words have helped you in some way.
Unread 09-06-2001, 11:34 AM
Very Depressed

Dear Terri,
Hang in there! You are just going through the normal stages!! The unknown is scary. I had CIN3, and was an absolute basket case. I felt guilty when I would post here, worrying my problems were miniscule compared to others. But actually, cancer is cancer, and we are lucky both of ours was caught at such an early stage. I am a firm believer in knowing exactly what is going on. Don't broadside me with any new developments....I need to know what is going on, and base my decision on a thorough analysis of my options. Who could fault that? My husband use to jibe me about reading all the posts here, insinuating I was a hypochondriac, imaging the worse. I set him straight by saying, I'm prepared for the worse, but hope for the best. There is power in knowledge.

I had a difficult time focussing during this stressful time. I would be in the middle of a tennis match, and CIN3 would pop in my head and the ball would wiz right past me!! My advice to you is to take care of yourself. Keep right on researching, if that soothes you. If its scaring you, than maybe think twice about it. But this is what you are living through. Nobody especially those who haven't been, can tell you how you feel. This is a life changing time for you. A time for you to concentrate on what will get you through it, to the otherside. If you need extra help, ask your friends and family....people love to feel needed!!
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Unread 09-06-2001, 01:26 PM
Very Depressed

Hugs Terri!!

Awww Terri, you have yourself in a bad state, and I am so sorry to hear that.
You know, cancer is cancer, and when you hear the word, it hits hard, whether its a slight chance of it, or pre-cancer cells, contained, or invasive, its still a very scary word. And there is no right or wrong way to react to it.

When I first heard the word, I was convinced I was on my way out within 6 weeks. This was because both my parents were diagnosed too late for treatment and they both died within 6 weeks of their diagnosis. Then when I was told this strain was very curable by my oncologist, well that made a big difference, but it sure didn't take my fear away. We all have "what ifs" and always will have those thoughts.

You are reacting in a very normal way. I hate to hear ladies here say they feel badly posting when there are women here with more serious situations. Well....this board reaches all around the world, and we are bound to have women with all varying degrees of cancer posting here. But the successes are so good, and the support we can offer each other, we would never find without this site, for the simple fact, that at least in my day to day life, I hardly know anyone personally, who has gone through cancer outside of my own family. In fact, I don't know anyone personally who has had chemo. My SIL is starting it soon, but she is the only other person I actually know. But here on the site there are many of us. So to be able to support each other and share our own experiences is so great.

Terri, I hope your appt with the oncologist will help ease your mind . I am surprised you had to make the call though. Here that would never happen, the referring doctor would make the call and then the oncologists office would call you. I can imagine you were suprised when the nurse asked you why you wanted the appointment.

You are right the wait is the worst part. I know I literally put my life on hold until I was finished chemo. I didn't want to do a darn thing, go anywhere ( on the 2 days between treatments that I actually felt good), I didn't care about the house, or doing anything at all. With me anyway it was like, when I am finished and get the "all clear" then I will get on with life. Its very hard, and don't be too hard on yourself about this Terri. I am sure you will feel better just talking to the oncologist. And its hard for anyone not going through this to understand that we feel this way.

I pray you feel better, and if not, do talk to your doctor about perhaps getting something to help with the ole nerves. You don't have to be superwoman, but you deserve to feel better than you do right now while you are waiting hon.

Please come here anytime and put your thoughts down. We all understand and are here for ya!!
Love and Hugs!!
M. xoxo
Unread 09-06-2001, 07:05 PM

Hang in there! I hate waiting myself. I can deal with anything as long as I know what I'm dealing with, it's the unknown that's the hard part. That "C" word is just plain scary and then trying to be brave takes a toll. Take care of yourself.
Unread 09-06-2001, 10:35 PM
Very Depressed

Terri, please dont ever compare your problem with others, THIS IS YOUR PAIN AND YOUR JOURNEY.. you , at the moment are suffering and we are here for you. x x

In the beginning before my hyster ,when I first found out I had CIN3 , I thought I was going to die, I didnt answer the phone , I couldnt stay inside ( felt I was suffocating ) I really 'just' existed, but I tried to take each day as it came, one foot in front of the other and eventually the pain and fear lessened. Guilt.... ahh the guilt that we carry, they seem to imprint that into our very soul before we are born and it rears its ugly head all through our lives. I am sure that all those around you understand when you dont ring ,they all love you and are concerned.

It really is the pits, I know what you are going through. It is a hard road sometimes,but we are here for you , please dont ever forget that. I am an email away. much love always , terri and please be gentle on yourself x x x
Unread 09-08-2001, 07:16 AM

i think dealing with cancer is like dealing with a death or loss in your go through different stages of emotions and i believe it is needed to learn to go on and accept the cards that have been dealt you...i am starting 6 weeks, 5 days a week radiation that starts on 9/ sadness and anger has gave way to determination and will to live and i will prevail...The Lord only gives us what we can handle and there are alot of very strong women here at hysters...remember, strength is a to ya'll

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