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Unread 07-30-2009, 01:53 PM
Husband help

I feel kinda sad.
My surgery is on August 17th, a Monday. Dr says if I'm doing well (it's a vag) that I will be able to go home sometime Tuesday. My husband took Mon, Tues and Wed off, and said that he'll set up care for our 4 kids for Thurs and Fri.
He normally takes good care of me, honest. He sounds like an imbecile when I think about the fact that he said he didn't want to take a full week off because it's busy at work and 2 other people want time off. HELLO? What about your WIFE?! It's *only* a hysterectomy, why wouldn't I be just fine to be up cooking and cleaning?
I DO heal quickly, but ****....why is it that a vacation FOR ME seems to be when I'm in the hospital after giving birth or having a hysterectomy? I am not asking for 2 weeks of his time. Just a couple of days to sleep and maybe have a sandwhich brought to me if I don't feel like making food for myself.
Am I crazy?! It's 19 days away, so there's still time for him to have a AHA moment...I'd SO much rather it not come from me pointing out what should be blantantly obvious. This is just irritating me. I'm working hard to process losing my uterus as it is, and the fact that he'd just leave me to my own defenses a day after getting out of the hospital makes me feel unloved. But at least his co-workers can take time off now. UGH!!!
Sorry for the vent.
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Unread 07-30-2009, 02:33 PM
Re: Husband help

For me , my (ex) husband was and is a work - a-holic. He wouldn't take time off for a vacation that we had planned for months. He said he would, and then he started hedging on it. I was fed up so I gave him the option of not going and he took it right away . That was the last straw.

Anyway , sorry to vent about me , this is ABOUT YOU not me. For me , as far as it being busy at work , I am sure that your husband is not the only one working, right ? No one is indispensable. I would want to know why the other 2 workers want time off. Is it for some simple thing , or do they have wives' with operations ? That would make a big big difference in priority as far as I would think.

Sorry again about starting out with a vent. Brought back old memories. I truly hope that this works out for you !

Unread 07-30-2009, 02:42 PM
Re: Husband help

I'm sorry you're going through this and I think I would feel upset in your shoes! And please don't worry about venting- we're all here to support one another.

Maybe what might help your husband understand more fully just what you will be experiencing during and after surgery. Hystersisters has a great booklet chock full of info. Another great source is the misterhyster site:

It has Q and A's that most guys would want to know but maybe don't know how to get that information. I highly recommend this site!

DH has come with me to most of my appointments and will be there at my Pre-Op. Maybe you can tell your husband how important it would be for you if he were accompany you. It's a good time to meet the doctor/surgeon and to ask questions. Plus it's good to have an advocate with you.

Just a few thoughts- please let us know how you're doing, ok?

Sending you a BIG cyber-hug...

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Unread 07-30-2009, 02:48 PM
Re: Husband help

You know, in defense of your hubby, maybe there's another reason he's not taking Thursday and Friday off that he's not telling you about. Are they short staffed at work? Did those co-workers who had vacation plans have their dates already scheduled before your surgery date was announced? Would it be fair to make those co-workers reschedule their plans? And did your husband previously promise he would cover while they were gone?

What I'm saying is that without knowing all the circumstances surrounding your husband's decision, there are a variety of scenarios one can think of. And, here's another - in this day and age with the economy being what it is, is his job as flexible as it might have been before the economic downturn?

You say your husband normally takes great care of you. Sounds to me like he might be stuck between a rock and a hard place and is trying to do the best he can. He did find care for your children and that's a good thing; some hubby's would have just left the kids at home.

I'm sure you're disappointed with him not taking the week off, but there just might be a little more to the story than you're aware of.

Regardless, good luck...
Unread 07-30-2009, 03:08 PM
Re: Husband help

You can come here and vent anytime you need to, your among friends .
Have you talked with your DH about how his decission makes you feel ? Many men put a high priority on thier job perfomance and it can easily get off balance inbetween the family and work.
It does sound like he's has been thinking about your care in regards to getting childcare for those 2 days. Maybe he is trying to balance both out ?
Will he be there for the weekend or does he have to work weekends?
Do you have anyone else to come and help you out while he's away?
Everyone's job differs as to what they are allowed to do (company policy etc.) .
Maybe look through the articles here about what to expect during recovery and show them to your DH, there's also a misterhyster place for guys.
I agree that you need to be, and feel like you're his first priority !
Unread 07-30-2009, 04:13 PM
Re: Husband help

[quote=ohtobeahayes;2961671]I feel kinda sad.
My surgery is on August 17th, a Monday. Dr says if I'm doing well (it's a vag) that I will be able to go home sometime Tuesday. My husband took Mon, Tues and Wed off, and said that he'll set up care for our 4 kids for Thurs and Fri.
------------------- --------------------- ---------------------

Hello ohtobeahayes... you do not have to apologize as you can vent anytime you want to, we are here in support of each other - to share experiences, to listen to, and even to offer advice.

When I had my TAH on 06/19th, I was released on 06/22nd and my DH returned to work on Tues, 06/23rd. I wanted him to return to work as I know his responsibilites will require him to be at work. So I insisted that he returns to work. On the day he returned to work, DH made certain that there was breakfast and lunch for me &DS, then he went home during lunch to check up me. Then on Wednesday, 06/24th, he realized that I needed him to care for me so he took the rest of the week off so he telecommuted. I was the one pushing me to return to work as the 1st and 2nd weeks post-op, I expected that all I will be doing was taking naps. He was home with me (Wed, Thurs, and Fri), signed on to his computer and just watched me sleep. Well, I appreciated that. DH was available 24/7 as anything I needed, he was there to assist. The following week (2nd week post-op), DH had arranged for someone to come to clean/dust around and do bathrooms and prepared breakfast and lunch for me and DS and since I couldn't drive, DS was my designated driver to run errands for me.

Since your DH will be off Mon, Tues, and Wed, let him know to inform his job now in case he needs to take the rest of the week of, he needs to tell his job that he will be playing it by ear. It's great that your DH is setting up care for your 4kids Thurs and Fri. In the event that he really cannot take off Thurs and Fri, would it be possible for him to go home lunch time to check up on you?

I am wishing you the best. :starhugs:

Pls let us know what happens...
Unread 07-30-2009, 04:15 PM
Re: Husband help

You know , I wish that I could remove my post. I am so sorry that I wrote such a negative note. Please disregard my tactlessness

I do hope that all goes well for you and that all is worked out with your husband and the assistance that you will receive after your procedure.

Sincerely ,
Unread 07-30-2009, 04:49 PM
Re: Husband help

OK, this was exactly my situation. I have a loving husband who is always very supportive of me. I was stuned to find out that he hadn't planned on taking time off of work the week of my surgery. I felt he would be in the way at the hospital, and could "work from home" if needed, once I got home. I had to tell him in very clear language that I needed him to be my advocate at the hospital, and he absolutely must take the entire week off!

I have always been in charge at home, and frankly, I think he had no idea of what to expect. Once I made my expectations clear, he put in for time off. and thank God that he did, because I came home 40 hours after having a TAH and could not get to the bathroom by myself!

Sit him down and explain calmly that you really need him home to take care of you. In 6 month no one at work will remember how much he was "needed" there for those 2 days. But you will always remember the love and comfort he provided to you after the surgery.
Unread 07-30-2009, 04:56 PM
Re: Husband help

Holly, please, do not apologize! Your post is totally okay!!!

I appreciate you ladies! And I love the website, so thank you! I will share that with him!

My feelings were mostly hurt because he has the time to take off and it is so very normal for him to consider everyone else before himself, or as it happens sometimes, me and the kids. He is the one who helps everyone with everything, and he felt guilty about taking "all that" time off.
I spoke with him again and he said that D (boss) let him know that he has plenty of time to take off. I let him know that my sister will take her PTO to come be with me on those days if he won't. He said he'd rather be there.

I also realized that I'm sure he felt that since he'd found someone to watch our four kids (8, 6, 5, 3) that everything was covered. He did watch me give birth 4 times and bounce back like nothing from those, and all the d&c's I've had haven't really stopped me. He has no ability to understand the emotional aspect of having a hysterectomy, or what it feels like when your hormones go completely ka-blooey afterwards.

But still, what an ***hat. HAHAHAH! I'm just kidding. He really does normally take really good care of me most of the time. If he were available to me while he's at work, it would make me feel better, but he's not. I'd have to call his boss if I really needed something. And truly, my sister and or mom would come be with me, but I just want him. AND I have faith he will come through after reading more information about what the first week is like. And maybe because he required such babying after getting snipped. *eyeroll*

I work from home, so I'm just here with the kids all the time. It's probably kinda silly, but I was (am?) looking forward to a little DOWN TIME when i'm not the one responsible for every meal, the cleaning, every need from the kids being met etc. And surgery is 19 days away and I'm sure it will be okay and I'm just....having a little freak out!

Thank you for the ears! And Holly- truly, stop worrying.
Unread 07-30-2009, 05:01 PM
Re: Husband help

ohtobeahayes... are you getting a TAH, what type of hysterectomy will be performed? I referred back to your post and I didn't see the type of hyst or I must have overlooked it.


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