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my husband thinks I am making this up my husband thinks I am making this up

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Unread 08-27-2009, 12:16 PM
my husband thinks I am making this up

I have had abdonminal pain since I had my son 3 years ago. I had a c-section, a miscarriage, a exploratory lap, a hysterectomy(he left my ovaries), and am currently trying lupron to see if it helps with the pain, which it seems to be working a little. I started going to a chiropractor to help with back, hip and neck pain(which it seems to be working), and I deal with migraines and astma. My SD has many issues herself, and today I took my S to his 3yo well visit. There is a possibility he has astma, too. I don't enjoy spending half of my life visiting doctors. I just want to get better. DH feels my life revolves around being sick and certainly I should be better by now. He misses doing stuff, like when we were dating. I am still more active than most, but sometimes the pain stops me in my tracks. I deliberately don't bring up all the other issues because he just can't deal with it. I am sure this is just a communication blip, but am loking for ways to convince him I'm not making it up. How do you deal with people who don't understand your pain or illness?
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Unread 08-27-2009, 12:38 PM
Re: my husband thinks I am making this up

I have learned that unless someone has walked in your shoes it is really hard for them to understand. If you figure it out let me know please.
Unread 08-27-2009, 02:06 PM
Re: my husband thinks I am making this up


You might want to read this article I found some time ago and share it with your spouse. It helped my DH understand more of what I was going through:

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Unread 08-28-2009, 09:35 AM
Re: my husband thinks I am making this up

Maybe your husband meant was why aren't you better yet as opposed to you are making it up? This long term chronic pain is a major PAIN. It is so stressful. Just yesterday my husband said something to me that was upsetting then he went back to work. I gathered my thoughts and sent him a text telling him his off handed comment was hurtful and why. His response was a text - ok sorry, he came home from work late last night and I was already in bed, he never came to see if I was awake or if I needed anything. By the time he came to bed I was half asleep and we just said good night. I was hoping he would at least tell me where his mind was at but he hasn't.
I'm trying not to focus to much on the incident and do not want to take my frustrations out on him. But it is so hard.
I know first hand how hard it is to live with some one who is sick, hard to feel helpless that you can't fix them. But it is harder to be the one that is in pain, feeling sick, afraid of the future, worried about how your health is affecting your family.
As you said it is probably a communication blip. Hang in there and know you're not alone. Maybe write him a letter expressing yourself.
Unread 08-28-2009, 11:31 AM
Re: my husband thinks I am making this up

I am assuming this isn't just me. I did check out the link posted about the spoon story. This lady was able to verbalize that people who live in daily pain can't just get up and go; that we have to plan our every move each day. I feel with the lupron I am on, my pain is better managed, and I have been trying to exercise and do more around the house. But yesterday we went for a hike and ended up getting lost in the woods and didn't get home until 10:30! Men! I love my DH dearly! But this morning I couldn't move. I didn't get out of bed until after 10 :O
I think my husband needs to grieve because we used to be so active and it is hard for him to get it that I just can't keep up anymore. And then I don't know how ot talk to other people. I can't make any long or short term commitments. I can't even volunteer to work in the nursery. People just keep assuming I am fine because I look alright. reading that story helped, but I am to the point I would rather keep to myself.
btw, I have tried writing letters to DH, or leaving articles for him to read, or asking him to check out some websites I had researched on what the drs think I might have, but there is never any time...part of me feels if it were really important to him he would make time, but I also know he doesn't want to face the reality of it. if only I could save my energy for doing the things that really matter to my husband and train my kids, or hire a maid to do the rest!
Unread 08-28-2009, 12:50 PM
Re: my husband thinks I am making this up

If only...
All you can do is your best and keep an eye to the future.
I'll look for the spoon link
Unread 08-28-2009, 05:25 PM
Re: my husband thinks I am making this up

Originally Posted by proverbs31woman View Post
if only I could save my energy for doing the things that really matter to my husband and train my kids, or hire a maid to do the rest!
Actually, that is what I had to do! Rather than a maid, though, we hired kids from church and a niece. You might be surprised how much a teenager can help around the house! We figured out a system of what I could physically do, what DH could do after work, and what our boys were able to do around school work. Then we worked with teens to fill in the gaps and it helped all of us tremendously.

Additionally, I learned my limitations so that I could save my energy for doing the things that really mattered or I really wanted to do. For instance, had I planned to go on a hike, I would have rested the entire day before and planned on a few days of rest after the hike. I would not have scheduled appointments, gone shopping, cleaned house, etc. until my body recuperated.

in there!
Unread 08-28-2009, 06:24 PM
Re: my husband thinks I am making this up

you are so smart, weiser!
I definitely utilized people from my church for just help with the kids to the point no one is willing to help anymore! And for me, some days are better than others. I never really know,so it makes planning really hard. My DH works 2 jobs, making it hard for him to do anything around the house. I am going to have to work on getting my SD to help out more around the house.

I will look into getting teens to help. Thanks for the idea.
Unread 08-28-2009, 06:31 PM
Re: my husband thinks I am making this up

Your welcome! I dealt with chronic pain and health issues for many years so to survive I had to make adjustments. No everyone believed I was sick nor wanted to help (and yes, I am talking about church family, too). However, teens were a Godsend (you might even have some in your neighborhood)! And they don't require as much pay!

Unread 09-21-2009, 10:46 AM
Re: my husband thinks I am making this up

I dont talk to them about it, people that havent had chronic pain do not understand. My hubby included, my pain doc says not to try with him, he just doesnt get it, he thinks i can do everything a normal person can, i cant. He kinda knows when im having a bad day, ive went to pt at work, so we feel the finacial pressure. take care, write him a letter?

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