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Unread 10-26-2009, 06:20 PM
Looking for support

Hey everyone this seems like the perfect website for me... My name is Helen and I am 39 and have 5 beautiful children. I had my TAH this past monday on the 19th of October. Am feeling pretty good physically but not so good emotionally... my husband has not been very supportive and in fact left me alone for the most part of my stay in the hospital and could not even be bothered to pick me up when it was time to leave so I had to call my dad to come for me. We have been married 16yrs. but this last year we have disconnected from each other, so that is why I am having such a hard time with this.
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Unread 10-26-2009, 06:59 PM
Re: Looking for support

Hi Helen!!!!
I'm so glad you found this website. You can see how important this support system is. We are so blessed to have it!
I have 4 kids, and have been married for 13 years, and I felt totally let down by my husband during recovery. I'm sure if there were issues before the surgery, it's even tougher now.
5 kids! WOW. You're a busy girl, and have been a busy girl. And recovery is kinda a stinker anyways. I don't know all the details of what all has transpired...I can make some random guesses just from being married for 13 years and having kids. So here is what I know: You have been working your tail off for years and years, and this surgery, even if it's a "good" thing, and will help you, is usually kinda emotional beforehand, can be afterwards, but just the physical healing itself is pretty big. Really, the last thing you want to have to do is beg for some attention, affection, a pat on the head and a "need anything". Would he hear you if you asked for it? Some husbands are sympathetic and others just don't understand because they can't...they've never had a uterus, never used their uterus, never had a cramp in their life, some have never had a body part removed, etc.

Try as hard as you can to communicate in plain terms with him, ask for what you need, and try, try, try to use your energy on helping your body heal. You get one chance t heal right. I had all 4 kids to myself, by myself, all day and night starting at 3 weeks (he works 2 jobs and isn't home much). It was exhausting. But it's doable.
Stick around here, read some posts. There have been lots of us who have had hubby struggles during this, before this, after this. You are not alone!
Your recovery has got to be a priority right now though! I'm sorry for the husband difficulties!
Unread 10-26-2009, 07:20 PM
Re: Looking for support

Hi and I am glad you found this site. It has been a life-saver for me!

You will find lots of support here. I'm happy to hear you are doing well physically and sorry you are not finding the emotional support you need at home. I hope things get better.

You will make lots of sister-friends here to lean on.

Best wishes.
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Unread 10-26-2009, 07:38 PM
Re: Looking for support

thank you ladies for your kind words... I know I'm not the first nor the last to have hubby issues... physically I feel really well, have not needed pain killers, but I know that I am not doin all I can to be good to my body and am a little scare that I may hurt myself in trying to be superwoman. Have kinda given up on husband since in my time of need he could not come thru for me. So not sure what my future holds for me... this is a time when we really want affection, love, to just be held and my husband refuses to do that for me so... just really sad... but thanks for your words again.
Unread 10-26-2009, 08:05 PM
Re: Looking for support

I am sooo sorry to hear you are having hubby issues. This has been a wonderful website to visit with people who have the same issues as us...so we know we are not alone. My hubby is quite a negitive person (force of habbit from his job) and I am the opposite...I am quite an optimist. We clash on this. I told him I joined this website and how happy it makes me, he just cringed...he didn't understand that there actually are HAPPY PEOPLE around the world. Gotta love him, but we both deal with the negative the world has to offer with our jobs. I just refuse to become one of those people who lets life get me down. So...my dear keep your head up...if you need to vent anything....we are all here for you!!!!!!
Unread 10-26-2009, 09:05 PM
Re: Looking for support

THANKS CASINOCHIC... will definitely take y'all up... on the needing to vent thing... best wishes on your recovery.
Unread 10-26-2009, 09:48 PM
Re: Looking for support

Hi, sorry your husband has let you down. This surgery takes its toll on us. Between the events that leads us to the doctor, the decisions, preparations, hospitalization and recovery we go through so much. You wouldn't think it is a lot to ask to be supported by our families. Sometimes we aren't given the emotional or physical support we need for many reasons. Often it is fear or just plain ignorance. Some people naturally know how to act others need to be told and then again others just can't respond the right way. It is hurtful but try not to let it negatively affect your recovery. You need to take care of yourself and put yourself first right now. Focus on the present and ask for what you need and what your children need. Once you recover you can figure out the rest.
Use this site for support. We understand how you are feeling physically and some of us can relate to what you are experiencing with your husband. If you can try one more time to explain what you need in plain words, maybe written maybe your husband will respond differently. Often our loved ones are frightened and confused just like we are, it doesn't make for good communication. Having five children also cuts into communication time. His distance this past year may not be what he really wants but doesn't know what to do so he putting up a wall between you. You may not be able to fix all your marital issues right now but focus on what you need to recover without problems for the time being. Good luck
Unread 10-26-2009, 09:55 PM
Re: Looking for support

Sorry, so sorry you are going through this....I'm not going to make excuses for your husband because there is none in my honest opinion...I went through something similar, and I can tell you it really hurt me and slowed my healing process.

Please know that we are here for you....I really hope everything works out and you feel better soon .

Unread 10-27-2009, 08:45 PM
Re: Looking for support

thank you Hope and Lala... so glad I found this website cuz I do feel the support I am really lacking from my husband. Hopefully things will look up for me soon... do try to make the best of things...
Unread 10-27-2009, 08:49 PM
Re: Looking for support

How old are your kiddos?
I had mine to myself, like I mentioned, at 3 weeks. They are 8, 6, 5 and 3. I was wiped OUT, and exhausted, but they were pretty good to me. I'd cry whenI needed to cry (it was often at first), and they would hold my hand or lay with me, I'd rest, and just do what I had to do- WITHOUT COMPROMISING MY HEALING. You have 5 kiddos counting on you so you CAN'T ...just CAN'T afford to hurt yourself while you're healing, ya know?
We will help you get you through this time! Pamper the princess, rest as much as you can, and know that your body is doing incredible things right now, as you read this!

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