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Problems with ex and teenage son Problems with ex and teenage son

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Unread 11-09-2009, 01:48 PM
Problems with ex and teenage son

Hi sisters. I'm scheduled for a TAH/BSO on Nov. 17th. If that isn't stressfull enough, Now I'm having ex-husband problems. I swear, I just want a stress free life. I have a 14 yr. old son. He is an awesome kid. I've been divorced from his father since he was 6 mos. old. I remarried when my son was 4 yrs. old and my husband has basically been the only stable male role model in his family. My ex has visitation every other week. Well, now the teenager years are starting and my son does not want to go to his fathers on his weekends. I have repeatedly told him, you need to go to your dads and spend time with him. Well, 2 weeks ago, my ex called and read my son the riot act, because my son did not want to go to his house. My ex said he was going to give up all of his rights and wanted nothing further to do with him. Every time we have any incidents with him, I call and report it to the local authorities because I want to make sure everything is documented. I called my lawyer and local authorities who all said that I was not withholding visitation, I was encouraging my son to see his dad. Today I saw his father at the gas station, so I stopped and talked with him. I told him that I think that he should go on his weekend this coming weekend, and they should wipe the slate clean and start over. He informed me that he talked with his lawyer and I'm withholding visitation. He also said he's got half a notion to knock my son up against the wall. After the conversation, I drove away, calm. But now as I sit here, I cannot feel comfortable knowing that my ex wants to knock my son up against a wall. What do I do? He is a violent man. He's been arrested for domestic violence against me, and battery against a cousin who was protecting me. He is a Jeykle and Hyde. Besides the stress of the upcoming surgery, I've got this idiot to deal with. My son is a sweet boy. And he is a momma's boy. He loves his mom. He says to me now that he knows it wasn't my fault that I left his dad, he knows his dad hurt me. And I can't blame the kid for not wanting to be around that type of a person, but every time I call my lawyer I feel like I'm taking their time, and bothering them with stupid questions. I just don't know what to do. I want to protect my son. That's the only thing that is important to me. Plus, all of this makes my husband crazy. He wants to say something to my ex, but I won't let him because I don't want things to get worse. So that causes tension between my husband and I. god, please give me the strength to endure the things I cannot handle and the patience to accept everything else. - I know this has nothing to do with our website but I am so upset and stressed. Thanks for listening to me.
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Unread 11-09-2009, 01:56 PM
Re: Problems with ex and teenage son

I am so sorry you are going through all of that with a major surgery coming up! I hope that everything will stress free from here on out and I am praying for you and your family. I know it seem impossible sometimes but try to be a little selfish and concentrate on yourself! You will feel better in the long run! Many prayers are coming your way now and in the weeks to come!
Unread 11-09-2009, 02:04 PM
Re: Problems with ex and teenage son

Thanks for your prayers Kelley. I want to call someone who knows something - an attorney or judge who can tell me either yes or no - I would be in contempt. I can't see how I could be held in contempt when 1. my son is the one refusing to go and 2. I have tried to get him to go, but now he is getting bigger than me and has his own voice and opinions. I can try to help him in doing the right thing, which is have a relationship with his father, but I can't shove it down his throat. And I'm especially concerned with the violent comment. I just want to hug my kid when I see him after I get off work today. He's a sensitive kid to, so if something's bothering me, he senses it. Thanks again, Kelley, for your kind words. I just have to keep the faith.
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Unread 11-09-2009, 02:48 PM
Re: Nov. 17th is getting closer & I'm scared

Carrie -
Be strong! I completely understand what you are saying. Your son is old enough to tell a judge what he wants and it seems that it has come to that. He wants to throw his son up against a wall!? WHO says that about their child?! Your ex-husband sounds bi-polar and I'm sorry your son has to deal with that.

This stress on top of the stress of! Not good! I have 4 children that haven't wanted to see me in a long time - some of them for years - for many reasons (I'm not a monster. I am divorced from their father and sometimes the bitterness caused by divorce can put one parent on the outside. I am that parent. I will never stop praying for reconcilliation!). I love them and I miss them and sometimes I want to force them to come and see me - but what would that prove? Your ex-husband unfortunately doesn't seem to understand that. Respect is earned. Never forced.

I will pray for you and your son. Hang in there!
Unread 11-09-2009, 02:59 PM
Re: Problems with ex and teenage son


You definitely don't need the added stress in your life. Let your ex do whatever he is threatening. You have done nothing but try to help the situation by making your son go. If he doesn't want to go then he will tell the judge that, if it even makes it to court. The judge will talk to your son. There is nothing you have done wrong in this situation. Your ex causing problems by making him go, then threatening to press those types of charges against you is wrong. He can't have it both ways. Sounds like he is only doing and saying things to hurt YOU! There is a reason your son doesn't want to go to his dads. When he gets older those reasons will change and he will want to have a relationship with him, but until then I would just keep doing what you have always done.

That's my two cents.. I have dealt with a crazy ex before..good luck!
Unread 11-09-2009, 04:21 PM
Re: Nov. 17th is getting closer & I'm scared

I just talked with my son, and now he is mad at me taht I would even suggest he spend time with his father. How did I turn out to be the villain here?? I am just trying to do what is right and keep the peace. I guess my boy and I will having a sit down heart to heart tonight. Thanks again and have a good night girls!
Unread 11-10-2009, 12:41 AM
Re: Problems with ex and teenage son

I'm in Australia. What I would do, is let the Court know your Son doesn't want to go, and work out something which better suits all parties. Teenagers generally put their foot down because they want their social life at home. The Courts know this. I understand his Father being hurt, but threatening and drama is not the way, he needs to understand his Son is entitled to his own choices at this age to some degree.
Unread 11-10-2009, 07:48 PM
Re: Problems with ex and teenage son

Thanks so much everyone for your posts. My son is going to see a counselor tomorrow to talk. He is already saying he doesn't want anything to do with his father anymore. I'm trying to do the right thing and tell him that he needs a relationship with his dad, and he does need to spend time with him. But, my son has a valid point that every time he is with him he gets verbally and mentally crushed. I have to put his feelings first to, and I want to do what is best for him. And I don't want him to be a victim of what I went through from my ex. He is a bully and since he can't boss a woman around, he tries to intimidate his own son. I called the police dept. and told them about this too. So, just in case they get a call the next time this sort of stuff happens. Thanks again to everyone.
Unread 11-10-2009, 08:07 PM
Re: Problems with ex and teenage son

Most states have child advocate attorney. Maybe it is time for your son to get one to speak for him.
My oldest went through the same thing at 14. She did not want to come and see me. It tore my heart out. My ex and I decided that from then on we would not force the children to visit on "my weekends." I have had a strained relationship with my oldest, but the thing that I found that was already stated that teens want their own social life.
Your current husband would like to help. Let him. If you can let it go and let your current husband take care of the situation while you are dealing with the surgery and the recovery, that is one less stress off of you. Have your attorney help or make some recommendations. We pay them the big bucks for a reason.
Good Luck and I am praying for you and your family for an easier solution.

Unread 12-10-2009, 06:50 PM
Re: Problems with ex and teenage son

I just wanted to throw in a couple things. My Mom was an expert in Domestic Violence for 12 years and I did a lot of public education about it. So here's my impression/suggestions based on your post. Only you know your legal, emotional, and physical situation (I'm not sure what city/state you're in, etc) so please take that into consideration.

1. Your son is also a victim of domestic violence. If you can find resources near you for DV victims and families, I would suggest checking out their Children Who Have Witnessed Domestic Violence information. There is a parenting class, and books, for that issue.

2. Your son's father threatening him like that is against the law. You can get a Domestic Violence Restraining Order against your ex in the name of your son for that. I would suggest pushing for a life-long order.

3. Good job documenting! So many victims don't ever feel empowered enough to do so!

4. Don't feel badly if your son doesn't see his father. Do you want your son to grow up like that man? No. Any goodness that child has is probably all from you being so loving, so pat yourself on the back for that too!

5. If your son must continue visits with his Dad please have a safety plan for him. Some way he can run for help, or get help, if he needs.

My son's father (my ex) is an abuser as well. He's been to treatment and everything. I got my son a cell phone that he could hide if he needed (put on vibrate or mute so it's not caught) and then he could go into the bathroom if his Dad was scaring him and call 911 or me. You can get throw-away cell phones pretty cheap, which I'd suggest for that purpose in case it gets found. And, it's not ever illegal in a Parenting Plan to send a cell phone with a kid!

Luckily, my son is 16.5 and told his Dad point blank, "I don't want to be with you any more. I won't be around you until you agree to treat me better." And my ex was so profoundly shaken by that he actually agreed to not have him over any longer. They visit for only a few hours when my son feels like it. That's it. But my son was safe enough to do that, and is 5 inches taller than his Dad now with twice the muscle mass.

Sometimes victims just have to make the best of it. The law isn't always on our side, and going to jail won't help our families. So never feel ashamed for doing what you have to. It's good that you reached out for support.


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