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HUMOR: You know You've HAD a Hysterectomy When... HUMOR: You know You've HAD a Hysterectomy When...

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  #751  
Unread 01-09-2016, 12:01 PM
HUMOR: You know You've HAD a Hysterectomy When...

You know you had a hysterectomy when:
Your fiancé is happy you pooped.
Your dog steals your piece of sandwich and you are powerless to get it back.
Your major accomplishments include peeing, pooping, coughing and sneezing. Welcome back to toddlerhood.
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  #752  
Unread 01-23-2016, 07:17 PM
Re: HUMOR: You know You've HAD a Hysterectomy When...

You know you've had a hysterectomy when you find yourself two years post op and crying because it happened in the first place. And when you're still in pain with endometriosis but you smile and cry inside because you don't want everyone to know it was all for nothing
  #753  
Unread 02-27-2016, 10:49 PM
Re: HUMOR: You know You've HAD a Hysterectomy When...

I realize this is an older thread but it is so funny. Really did wonders for cheering me up while I am having my extended stay in the hospital.

Also you know you had a hysterectomy when you have a momentary freak out that your period is really late then look down at your incision and feel a bit less intelligent. I blame all the medicine I am on for that little ditzy spell.
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  #754  
Unread 02-28-2016, 02:32 PM
Re: HUMOR: You know You've HAD a Hysterectomy When...

You know You've HAD a Hysterectomy when
* you can look at and think about buying and wearing white pants!!!

*your coworkers are complaining about their cycles and you are SO SO SO relieved that yours in GONE!!!!!

* you can wear anything you want without worrying about the gushing and staining of you period!!!

:
  #755  
Unread 03-05-2016, 12:21 PM
Re: HUMOR: You know You've HAD a Hysterectomy When...

Here are my "You know you've had a hysterectomy when..." Not all are ha-ha funny, but all have something to celebrate.

You know you've had a hysterectomy when...

You start thinking that you need to weed your floors because the dogs have tracked in so much mud and dirt.

You look forward to fitting into your fat clothes again because they weren't loose enough after surgery.

When "matching" no longer means complimenting colors and patterns, but a big shirt over big pants, period.

When you don't care that you wear your pants like a grandpa, way over your belly button, and have to wear big, long shirts to cover the "camel foot" below.

When granny pants a size too big don't feel big enough.

When you can't decide which is more comfortable--wearing your clothing above or below your incisions, so you walk around the house like a baby in a loose diaper and outgrown t-shirt, buddha belly swinging and cold because the big shirt you wear over the t-shirt lets the cold air in.

When you go though the bank's drive-through only to find you are parked too far to reach and too close to open the door. So you back up to reposition the car, except that you can't really turn your torso to see, so you drive over the curb. When you pull up again, you wince from the force of the car jumping off the curb, then catch your breath to celebrate when you realize that sort of movement no longer hurts. You then strategize on how to remove the carrier without pain, which takes enough time so that the guy who had been next in line in the lane next to yours pulls out long before you even start your transaction. You realize that your obnoxious zip into the empty lane while he waited created instant karma and that your surgery benefitted someone else financially besides the surgeon. When you finally pull out, you think it might have been easier just to go inside, even if that meant getting in and out of the car, waiting in line, pulling open the heavy bank door twice, and backing out of the parking space without really being able to twist to see what's behind you. Next time, you will just use the teller phone.

When you try to always park where you can pull through, so that you don't have to twist to see what's behind you.

You don't give a dang what you eat if it means it will help you to poop and hope the extra weight will resolve itself with the swelly belly.

You eat more sugar, bread, and pretzels than you have in the past ten years because they are the only things that taste normal.

When regular jello tastes good at all, and better than the natural and organic blocks you make with real squeezed juice.

TV shows with stimulating educational content are too complicated for you. As for all the books you bought before surgery, they are used as coasters at your bedside.

You envy people with husbands and families, even though you never had before. Even those with incompetent ones. But when you wake up your semi deaf care taker on the other side of the house with a scream because your puppy inadvertently steps on your tummy, and you're too exhausted to care that she doesn't come to investigate, you later realize how alone you really are even with a caring person in your home so that you don't even bother calling on others when she leaves. Then you realize how much you've "got uterus" (as compared to balls), even when you no longer have one and you celebrate how cool life is that you learned such an important lesson from something that could have been desperately painful. And, you realize that you really aren't alone even when people don't show up for you the way you hoped, because they show up eventually in the way they can manage.

Not wearing a bra and underwear is not remotely related to anything sexual, social, feminist, or fashion.

Your slip on shoes with backs are too difficult to put on.

You buy $50 of Asian lilies because you rip farts so often and you're allergic to chemical air fresheners.

When your care taking friend has a slapstick moment while you're getting into a cab to the airport two days post surgery, and all you can do is let out a loud string of "Ha. Ha. Ha's" in a deep monotone because a belly laugh is out of the question. This brings the front desk manager outside with a concerned face looking for the non existing crazy homeless person who is disturbing her guests and who created the mess your friend is still trying to clean up. Meanwhile, you can tell by the look on his face that the cab driver is reconsidering this fare because he really doesn't want to be in the same car for the half hour drive with this nut whose laugh is like the voice of a drone. All this, of course, makes you "laugh" louder and longer.

When you drool at the thought of finally getting to not only vacuum your disgusting floors that are beginning to move and grow, but shampoo them as well. And shampoo the dogs, too.

When you stop training your young dogs to stay out of the kitchen because they clean the floors as you cook.

When you contemplate that your pets are the higher species because they handled their operations with such grace.

When you learn how to stick your butt way out in order to bend while keeping your middle long because you're really not supposed to bend, but you have to because you have short dogs and it's raining outside (they have soaked tummies that you don't want on your bed, whose new duvet cover is already grass stained from wet paws).

When you let the damp dogs on your bed, anyway, because you like the company.

When your dog, who prefers the cold, snuggles against you at night because you're hot and the room is icy.

When you plead and rationalize with your dogs not to require you to get out of bed so much as if they could understand you.

When you finally get to take meditative walks again because you can't bring your dogs, who are still learning not to pull. And you don't feel guilty that they are bored.

When you celebrate the minuscule bathroom on the tiny plane that is so small, you can't sit down all the way because there isn't enough room for your knees. Because of that, there is a sturdy bar to hold onto while you squat/lean so that you don't have to spend minutes figuring out how you're going to get off the toilet and make it out of there.

When going out to get the mail feels like a world-class adventure.

When you learn that potholes create a side-to-side swing in the car that is wretchedly undesirable, as compared to the relatively gentle back and forth motion of say, a speed bump gone over slowly.

When you fall in love with the older man wheeling you through the airport because he knows where all the bumps are and stops before them and doesn't swing around corners two days post surgery. When you laugh at all his jokes and give him a $10 tip. (No worries about flying, btw--it was a short plane ride and approved by the surgeon.)

When you are grateful because you spent a lot of money on top of the surgery. It was for two roundtrip plane tickets (a one hour ride) instead of driving to and from surgery (a six hour ride). Because, you discover post op, potholes hurt like heck, even if your care taker is driving slowly.

When you celebrate that potholes are again more of a concern for wear your shocks than your body.

When you ask for another checker line to be opened because the one that your in contains a woman who is buying a month's worth of groceries and you're too tired to wait but don't want to just leave because it took you so dang long to collect what's in your basket. So the clerk shouts out to the self-check overseer that this lady is in a rush, can you ring up her groceries. You laugh as other customers watch as you slowly scuff your way to the express line, and then again at murphy's law when the man who'd stood behind you in the other line leaves long before you do with a full cart of groceries, a look of pity on his face when he sees that you're still there.
  #756  
Unread 05-24-2016, 01:47 PM
HUMOR: You know You've HAD a Hysterectomy When...

You know you have had a hysterectomy when your new favorite frozen thing is a maxi pad!

You know you have had a hysterectomy when Vag decides (less then 2 weeks post op) she has a mind of her own and want to exercise ( spasm but not painfully) and wakes you up at 3 am and you tell her to stop that!

When your boyfriend calls you twice a day to ask how Vag is doing today.

When your black and blues from the IVs and blood draws start looking like familiar objects and you think about getting it tattooed on because its actually a pretty rainbow of colors.

When you honestly realize why after your mom had her hysterectomy her favorite topic was sex.
  #757  
Unread 05-27-2016, 05:39 AM
HUMOR: You know You've HAD a Hysterectomy When...

  Quote:
Originally Posted by Meadowdog View Post
You know you've had a hysterectomny when peeing on your own is cause for celebration
ROFL... this TOTALLY happened after they told me they'd give me another hour to pee or they were going to put a catheter in. We CELEBRATED when I went 10 min. later!!
  #758  
Unread 05-31-2016, 11:16 PM
HUMOR: You know You've HAD a Hysterectomy When...

  Quote:
Originally Posted by dwelf24 View Post
You know you had a hysterectomy when:
Your fiancé is happy you pooped.
Your dog steals your piece of sandwich and you are powerless to get it back.
Your major accomplishments include peeing, pooping, coughing and sneezing. Welcome back to toddlerhood.
so true
  #759  
Unread 05-31-2016, 11:23 PM
HUMOR: You know You've HAD a Hysterectomy When...

  Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinywitch65 View Post
You know you had a hysterectomy when you husband is cheering when you fart 😇
  #760  
Unread 06-30-2016, 07:39 PM
HUMOR: You know You've HAD a Hysterectomy When...

  Quote:
Originally Posted by NanIselin View Post
ROFL... this TOTALLY happened after they told me they'd give me another hour to pee or they were going to put a catheter in. We CELEBRATED when I went 10 min. later!!
Same thing happened to me!!! The nurses were so happy!!!
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