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How & when to tell my 10 years old daughter How & when to tell my 10 years old daughter

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Unread 01-29-2010, 09:54 PM
How & when to tell my 10 years old daughter

My hysterectomy is scheduled for Feb 18. Can someone provide an advice on how to prepare my 10 years old daughter?
I was emotional and nervous up to yesterday. I am better now. I have her birthday party scgeduled for February 6.I am thinking to tell her after that.
Also, when is the best time she comes to visit me in the hospital?

Thank you
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Unread 01-29-2010, 11:39 PM
Re: How & when to tell my 10 years old daughter

My daughters told my 8 year old granddaughter that I was getting a boob job (they are very well endowed up there, me not so much). Anyway my granddaughter asked me about it one day and I told her that the doctor was going to take out the pouch where babies grow when they are in their mommies tummy. (her mom just has a baby a week or so earlier). She took it very well. She did want to visit me in the hospital, but because this is the height of the flu season she was not allowed. But my daughter brought her to the house the day I got out. My granddaughter and I are very close so it was important for her to know I was ok.

Good luck with your surgery. Everything will be fine.
Unread 01-30-2010, 07:59 AM
Re: How & when to tell my 10 years old daughter

Hi Lucky18 ~~

Welcome to HysterSisters!! My surgery is the same day as yours, so we will be together in the Post Op Weekly Recovery thread.

I think you should tell your daughter now. Kids are smart and pick up on the "vibes" in the house. She will be suspecting something is up, so explaining what is happening will clear the air and give her time to adjust before you leave. If you tell her today, she has the weekend to process the news before returning to school.

You can also make her feel important by including her in your pre-op preparations like fixing meals to freeze. Or getting blankets and soft jammies washed. Explain that you will need alot of help post op while you heal inside and brainstorm what she can do to help you. Talk about what movies you could watch together afterwards while you are resting.

Before you leave for the castle, you could hide some lovenotes for her to find while your gone. Or buy her a new book or game and wrap it up for her to find.

Sending you smiles and star filled wishes ~~ StarryNite
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Unread 01-30-2010, 09:22 AM
Re: How & when to tell my 10 years old daughter

My 12 and 13 year old boys know everything...about my surgery and problems the lead to open and honest with children ..they are a lot wiser then we give them credit for. I am raising someone future husbands and I want them to be compassionate and understanding men. So what better way then to learn then by experiences with their mom.
Unread 01-30-2010, 01:46 PM
Re: How & when to tell my 10 years old daughter

My view is different. With a pre pubescent girl who is nowhere near acquainted with periods or her body yet I would not go into detail, merely say you have a tummy problem and the Doctor will fix you. It may be absolutely terrifying for her, given her particular life stage.
Unread 01-30-2010, 02:02 PM
Re: How & when to tell my 10 years old daughter

I had my hysterectomy when my boys were 3 and 5. We started with the basics--Mom has a condition that is making her sick so she needs surgery. We then answered any questions they had. (Our opinion is that if they can ask the question, they deserve an answer, within reason.) In the end, they knew that the uterus, the organ that holds a baby inside the mom, was covered in endometriosis. Endometriosis caused sores that couldn't be treated so the doctor was removing the uterus so I could feel better. (I can't remember every single detail we shared as it has been so many years ago!) Based on our own life experiences and knowing our boys, my DH and I decided that knowing what was going on would help them deal with the situation better. The unknown was more scary because the imagination could conjure up all kinds of awful things! My boys handled the info fine!

At 10, your DD may have some knowledge of periods and the uterus already. In my family, girls can start their period at age 9 so the topic had to be discussed early to avoid surprises! Consider what your daughter already knows, how inquisitive she is, and respond to her accordingly. My boys were told nothing about periods as that was way over their head and not applicable to themselves. There is no absolutely right or wrong answer as all kids are different. So respond to her according to her own personality! Usually, my youngest asks more detailed questions so we have to answer him more specifically. Our oldest, even today at almost 15, is satisfied with a lot less information. You can start with the basics and determine how much more to share based on her response.

Oh, I think waiting until after her birthday would work well as long as you are not having symptoms, testing, etc. that will impact her before then.

Unread 02-01-2010, 06:37 AM
Re: How & when to tell my 10 years old daughter

My advice is to introduce the subject generally, like I have to go to the hospital for an operation. I'll be there for a couple of days and then I'll come home to get better. Let her ask what she wants to know and, this is important, only answer what she asks for. She will let you know how much information she can handle. Chances are, she doesn't want or need to know all about endometrioses, painful periods, etc. Just, they took out the place inside me where babies grow, and I was asleep the whole time so I didn't feel anything worked well with my 5, 8, and 13 year olds.

Remember to emphasize whenever you can that the doctors will take very good care of you, and you will get better afterward. That's what she'll be most worried about.

As to when should she visit, I'd suggest bringing her when you are ready to be discharged. You'll be up walking around by then, and she can see all the equipment (which she may find very cool, actually), meet the nurses and get a picture in her head of what it is really like.

If your stay is longer than 3-4 days, though, I'd suggest bringing her in to see you earlier. We brought our 13 year old son in to see me on Day 5, when it was clear that I wasn't getting out anytime soon (I was in hospital for 2 weeks.) It cleared his mind, and I answered every question about the IVs and the needles and monitors. Kids are very fact-based, and don't obsess over stuff the way adults do. You'll probably find that a simple answer will do, not the wind-up that you'd prepared and rehearsed, and she might just give you an, "Oh. Okay," and move on to the next subject.

Good luck.
Unread 02-01-2010, 10:42 AM
Re: How & when to tell my 10 years old daughter

Just to clarify, beyond "Mom has a condition that is making her sick so she needs surgery", everything we shared with our kids was only in response to questions they asked. And they asked questions over a few days, not all at once, as their minds would mull things over and as my recovery extended.

Kids can amaze us as to their questions but if we follow their ques, we can satisfy their curiosity on their own level!

I forgot to mention, my boys came the day after surgery and pretty much every day until I went home on day 10. My hosptial had a very liberal visiting policy at the time. Because of their ages, they did better if they could see me every day, even for a little while. And yes, they thought all the equipment was cool! They were young enough it didn't scare them at all as they didn't quite understand the implications of all of it.

((lucky18)), check with your hospital about what their visiting policy is for children before deciding when would be best for your DD to visit you. That might help guide your decision. Knowing how long your stay should be could also help.

Unread 02-01-2010, 11:00 AM
Re: How & when to tell my 10 years old daughter

Lucky 18 ~ I don't know how much your daughter knows about periods and where babies come from. I have a 10 1/2 year old daughter and I had to tell her all about periods & stuff just before her 10th birthday in June 2009 because she started having the beginning signs of becoming a woman. It came as a total shock because I was in 8th grade before my mother had to deal with this ~ although I was shown a movie in school in 5th grade about it.

My daughter was my last child and she & I are very close ~ I have always been open & honest with her and answered any questions she has ever had. After my surgery I was going to have to spend 1 night in the hospital both my mother & daughter were able to stay with me in my hospital room ~ it was so nice knowing that she wanted to stay with me & help with whatever she could.

I would say that the best policy is to just be honest with her ~ weither she is your only child or the baby of the family if you aren't honest with her now about whats going on then when she starts asking for a baby brother or sister then it might be harder for her to accept (of course I am basing this on the fact that you are still able to have babies). If not then you may have already explained to her that there will be no more babies in your family. Again I don't know how advanced you daughter is but mine is very ~ she started asking at 5 for a baby brother or sister & I had to explain that mommy couldn't have anymore babies ~ as she got older & started asking more advanced questions as to why I gave her more details (I had a tubal when she was born).

Good Luck with everything!!
Unread 02-01-2010, 11:01 AM
Re: How & when to tell my 10 years old daughter

I agree with mountainwoman2 and danablue. I had very large fibroids that caused heavy bleeding and a lot of pain and discomfort. I told my 9 year old son, that I had to have surgery to take out the bumps (as he knew them to be). They had grown so large, it caused my stomach to protrude. If we are feeling lousy before surgery, our children know this already. All they need to know about surgery is that we are correcting the issue, and they will be fine with that, and not get too freaked out.

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