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Help with emotions Help with emotions

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Unread 02-21-2010, 08:43 AM
Help with emotions

I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer in june2009, they talked about removing everything, but a week before my surgery my docters decided if my ovaries where good they were going to leave them b/c of my age (42)Thank god they left them. I had my surgery in Aug 2009. All went GREAT. It was stage 1, they got the tumour, I did not need further treatment,so of course they want to watch me carefully for the next 5 years.
PROBLEM- my emotions... OMG... Its been 6 months and i'm still a basket case. I am on anti depressents, but do not want to be stuck on them the rest of my life. My thing is, I did not have my own children, and that was one thing i truly wanted. At the time of my cancer i was involved with someone that i wanted to have a child with, thats actually how they found out i had cancer b/c i went to get checked for my fertility, and instead of telling me it was okay to get pregnant they told me i had cancer. Since then, the guy and i are not together. We have tried to stay friends, but i am so emotional now, and i feel such a loss in my life with having my hysterectomy, and not being able to have my own children. Yes i know i would of been an older mom, but i was great with that idea. What i need help with, is how do i get over this loss feeling? how do i ever get over never having my own children? Yes there is fostering/adoption, but its not the same, and there is so much red tape to go through. One of the things in my life i truly wanted to be was a mom, to go through labor to hold my child in my arms, how does one get over that to live their daily life without feeling depressed, sad. I do have my friends children in my life, but when they tell me about what they do with their parents as a family it tears my heart out b/c i will never have that.
Please if anyone has any advice... i pray about it constantly...
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Unread 02-21-2010, 10:05 AM
Re: Help with emotions

s I don't really have any advice but wanted to let you know that even though I don't know you we are all here for you. We all need support.
Unread 02-21-2010, 10:10 PM
Re: Help with emotions

warrier princess -

I understand the depression that can come with this diagnosis. I have been on anti-d's for almost a year and am still working through things with my counsellor.

I hope along with the medication that you are talking to someone, if not that is the recommendation I would make. My therapist has described the entire situation of dealing with the cancer and its aftermath as post traumatic syndrome.

Sending huge as you find a way to move forward through all of this.

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Unread 02-22-2010, 03:11 AM
Re: Help with emotions

Hi Warrior
I think counselling is a good way to try to help accept your emotions and help you to deal with them. Maybe you could try to see someone?
I am seeing a counsellor who does family constellations workshops (Hellingers method) she also does one to one sessions which I find very very helpful. Maybe something like this could help you?
Unread 02-22-2010, 03:35 AM
Re: Help with emotions

Hi Warrior,

You grieve, and that is so understandable. Talking may help but maybe you need help with feeling the emotions you don't or can't feel b/c they hurt too much?

I agree with Tauruslady and Skinnymalink that counselling may be a good idea to help you deal with this. Talking may help as well as the family constellations (very powerful method - I've done them too). I have some good experiences with bioenergetics also.

I am sending you lots of positive vibes and wish that you will get through this difficult phase of your life!

Unread 02-22-2010, 08:32 AM
Re: Help with emotions

There is so much loss associated with cancer. Just looking around this forum, you can see it all.
I feel fortunate in that my infertility presented itself 20 years before my cancer, and I had completely dealt with that part years ago.
I certainly know the feeling, that yearning to mother a child. I never thought I would ever get over it. But I did, I adopted my children, and moved on.
I never thought I would ever come to terms with this cancer, but eventually I did, and moved on.
I think part of it all is acceptance that this is a huge loss and for every loss you must grieve. We all grieve for different things, and different things at different times of life.
Oddly I still grieve the loss of my hair, now that is really silly.

Kubler Ross's book "on death and dying" can be also very applicable to grief and loss.
This is from wikipedia
Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.[1]
Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.[1]
Bargaining — "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time..."[1]
Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.[1]
Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that is approaching. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone. Additionally, feelings and physical pain may be non-existent. This stage has also been described as the end of the dying struggle.[1]
Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, an infertility diagnosis, as well many tragedies and disasters.
Kübler-Ross claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect - switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it.[1]
Significantly, people experiencing the stages should not force the process. The grief process is highly personal and should not be rushed, nor lengthened, on the basis of an individual's imposed time frame or opinion. One should merely be aware that the stages will be worked through and the ultimate stage of "Acceptance" will be reached.

Sometimes just recognizing what we are going through helps us to deal with it.
Unread 02-23-2010, 05:46 PM
Re: Help with emotions

Dear Warrior,
Everything you say makes such sense! Having cancer is completely life changing, for sure. Sometimes I look back and think I used to be so happy and now it is so much harder to find that
happiness- but I do What helped me was/is exercise- really any kind but being outdoors is great for me- walking, yoga, pilates, biking. Also this forum helps alot- hearing others stories and being able to admit when things get bad and getting support. Counseling helped me particularly to sort out thoughts about death. It took me a while to find the right person to help me. I got alot out of reading a book called 'Dancing in Limbo - Making Sense of Life After Cancer' by Glenna Halvorson-Boyd and Lisa Hunter. A CD by Peggy Huddleston called 'Prepare For Surgery Heal Faster' which I used before my hyst still helps me image my body (and life) in a positive way. She has a website too <oops commercial link> Also time passing helped me- at first I was just unable to grasp it all- I had to focus on recovery. It is a different now - though still overwhelming at times- maybe I have been more able to accept it. Writing about my feelings helps me still- It sounds corny, but taking each day -or each moment- at a time , helps me to find the small things that give me happiness. Sometimes such a struggle!
I wish I had any advice about child bearing-I do mourn my lost femininity but I was older so children werent an issue for me. - I am so sorry and hope you will find peace as you heal.

Sending best thoughts and prayers,

TAH/BSO endoca st1bgr2 nft
Unread 02-24-2010, 02:10 AM
Re: Help with emotions

Ladyhero - I'm all emotional after reading this -all I can say is thank you - you describe exactly how I feel now -focussing on recovery and unable to grasp it at times, but it's great to hear from someone who had surgery a while back and to get some advice/encouragement.
Unread 02-24-2010, 06:47 AM
Re: Help with emotions

Oh, you are so very welcome. I have received so much help and support from the women on this forum- its a pleasure to be able to give! As I read over my post, I have to say- its not to ignore all the help I have gotten from husband, family and friends- its just that I'm not sure anyone who hasnt had cancer can understand fully the journey.
Best wishes,

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