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asking for help felt downright i had to explain myself asking for help felt downright i had to explain myself

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Unread 06-07-2010, 11:22 AM
asking for help felt downright i had to explain myself

LOL, first favor i've asked of a friend since this surgery -- and i felt so awkward and nervous, like i was trying to sell her on the idea of helping me out. never mind that (1) i can't drive, (2), can't be lifting deck chairs and hauling them to my deck, and (3) don't have a truck.

okay, so this is all about satisfying my vanity -- i didn't ask for a meal or someone to take my kids out a couple hours to do something fun. i need four extra cheap plastic adirondack chairs for the company my dh is having this weekend, since we had some break this past winter. and -- due to a million extra things on his mind right now besides my recovery restrictions -- dh is not going to get this taken care of. there's just no way, and i can see that coming...

but it was SOOOO hard to ask. my friend (with her own truck) comes near my house nearly everyday, and passes the home depot nearly everyday, so it seemed a perfect fit. why did i hem-and-haw and feel like a wimp for even asking???? what is it with us women that makes it so hard to it just me?

btw, we've had zero support of any kind from anyone since the day after surgery when my mom and sister (who'd watched our kids) went home.

and yes, my friend said YES!!! dare i ask my other friend to drop by with the "soup" she told me she'd made for my family more than ten days ago? sure hope it's in the freezer, LOL. she emailed me about the soup, then nothing since, even though i wrote back right away. maybe it's that kind of stuff that makes me afraid to reach out for help...

better go get my checkbook, meanwhile...sorry to vent.
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Unread 06-07-2010, 11:30 AM
Re: asking for help felt downright i had to explain myself

Asking for help can be so hard. I've asked my good friend for a few thing and she jokes that she's going to buy me an ice cream for being such a good girl and asking for help.

Good for you for asking! You deserve some ice cream too!
Unread 06-07-2010, 11:53 AM
Re: asking for help felt downright i had to explain myself

LOL! must be the flaky hormones -- your reply was so kind and lighthearted i nearly cried!

could be sheer exhaustion from the effort of reaching, out, i dunno! but good spin on things -- yes, i did it, asked for help! good on me, haha!

more power out there to anyone else needing a hand today...

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Unread 06-07-2010, 12:14 PM
Re: asking for help felt downright i had to explain myself

I kick myself for not taking the help offered to me. Yes, I had offers to vacuum, walk the dogs, and again to vacuum---plus to take me on errands. I shoul have not been embarrassed to take help. Silly fool. Good for you for asking. But I wonder about that soup. Yep, hope its frozen.
Unread 06-07-2010, 12:27 PM
Re: asking for help felt downright i had to explain myself

grey, it's not too late!!! get yourself invited to someone else's july 4th BBQ and let them do all the work while you contribute....chips!

lesson learned. i will not refuse one offer of help that comes my way, should one ever come my way...
Unread 06-07-2010, 12:58 PM
Re: asking for help felt downright i had to explain myself

I talked to my neighbor the other day while I was out walking one of my dogs. When I told her that I had surgery a few weeks ago she scolded me for not asking her for help. Looking back I really should have had her come over to help, it would have been good for both of us. She lost her hubby this winter and is home alone. Helping out makes people feel good, why on earth is it so hard to ask?
Unread 06-07-2010, 05:32 PM
Re: asking for help felt downright i had to explain myself

ladies -

When I found out about my cancer after my D&C I was so scared I immediately sent out an all call for prayers. From there we had several offers of help for post surgery.

We have several friends who are great cooks so I put them on the hook for some frozen meals. I had other friends who came and were company with me.

I would do the same for them if they ever needed it and I knew what they needed or wanted, sometimes people say they will help and than we don't tell them what we need.

Ask if they don't come through don't judge them, we all have our stuff and things happen.

Here's hoping that you find people who will / can help you out.

Unread 06-07-2010, 06:21 PM
Re: asking for help felt downright i had to explain myself


I think it's always harder for us women to ask for help than to give help. I know how you feel about no help. If it weren't for my DH and son, I don't know how I would have managed. My parents live 5 blocks away. My mom brought soup down once when DH was off from work (he took almost 2 weeks off to help me out), but not once did she come around after that. I still don't get it. I feel like I have always jumped to help with everything else, but no one was around to help when I had my surgery. I wasn't about to ask her for help though either. They do help us out with a lot of other things at times, but this one really bugged me -- post surgery and no offer of help. I still can't figure it out. It's like no one wanted to discuss the fact that I had a hysterectomy.

A good friend of mine who lives close by told me (once I was back at work) that she didn't even realize I had had surgery. I know I had told her, but again I wasn't going to ask for help because I knew she had a lot going on at work.

When all is said and done, hindsight is always better than foresight. Don't be afraid to ask. The worst someone can say is "no." First and foremost, you need to take the time to heal. That is the most important thing. At almost 5 weeks out, I'm finally starting to feel "normal" again.
Unread 06-07-2010, 08:32 PM
Re: asking for help felt downright i had to explain myself

It's hard to ask for help!!! I'm not sure I know how. But since I've been home I haven't had to ask. Some family members and a few friends have been there for me without me asking. If I have to ask, my family will probably have to do without it. I did ask one person to do something for my grandma while I was in surgery. He said sure as long as you call and remind me. So one day after surgery while in the hospital I called and reminded him. And of course my cousin didn't's his grandma too. Makes me mad!!
Unread 06-07-2010, 09:19 PM
Re: asking for help felt downright i had to explain myself

wow, good thoughts ladies -- encouragement and support in the i'm-not-the-only-one category. thank you. i have lots more thoughts on why it's hard to ask for help, but suffice to say: friends are busy, family is 1.5 hours away, the economy is tight, and my dh is able-bodied -- (although maybe not for long at the pace required to manage everything). i admit to feeling a sense of not being entitled to help since i was "healthy" (in the eyes of those who didn't know my issues) when i signed myself up for "elective" surgery while raising a big family. i am afraid to add an additional inconvenience to a friend's busy life, and i know there are others out there with far greater needs than mine. that said, i need to beware that such thinking is a counterproductive, emotionally draining trap toward feeling down -- especially when friends disappoint by not following through. so RIGHT, just ask, don't judge! -- but it's hard to ask when it seems friends have made themselves scarce so as to avoid getting roped into a favor, LOL!

anyway, the cheap deck chairs i wanted were already sold out -- gone. so, no help necessary after all. but i called a neighbor for another favor: she has been kind to our family since we moved here three years ago, and so tonight i asked her: could i use your shower in the AM?! our well-water pump gave out over the weekend, and i have my 2-week post-op appt at 10 AM. i haven't showered since Saturday morning, and i'm desperate!!!! this is NOT the time to be without water (which should get fixed tomorrow afternoon, Lord-willing!)

see, i'm already getting better at asking for help...

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