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Mother-in-law Mother-in-law

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Unread 06-07-2010, 01:02 PM

I am scheduled for my hysterectomy on August 13th. Last weekend my mother-in-law asked how long will I be out of work for and I told her the doctor told me to plan for as long as 8 weeks and that I got it approved for disability from work and she gasped and almost swallowed a fly! (Just kidding, but wish she had swallowed a fly!) Ok I’m being mean…I’m upset. Anyway, she went on to say that she don’t think I should need ALL that time to recuperate that it should be a month maybe less before I could return to work! And of course she had one and other things done AND didn’t need THAT much time. What she thinks doesn’t bother me, but I just found out she is planning on being there (at my house) with me as I recover! I DON’T want her there at all!!!! Gosh! I'm being grumpy! just wanna let things out! Thanks for reading!
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Unread 06-07-2010, 02:01 PM
Re: Mother-in-law

I think you need to tell her you do not need her help.
We all worry so much about everyone else - this is a time to take care of yourself. Do you have someone to help you?
My fathers wife (who is 3 years older than me) told me she was 'up and back to work after 3 days'. Who cares - everyone is different.
I will be taking every day I can get - pamper yourself and do the same.
Good luck with your surgery!
Unread 06-07-2010, 02:19 PM
Re: Mother-in-law

Maybe she is so worried about it b/c she thinks SHE needs to be there and help you for 8 wks! Perhaps you do need/want help in the beginning? If you do, make it clear you only want her there a weEk or whatever, thanks for the ofFer but the type of recovery doesn't require a person living in and inconveniencing herself, etc. If you don't want her at all----well, tell her soon. It might be nice to have a little help if you can stand her. I suspect if she feels free to go home she may not fuss so much about how long you recover. Telling her different people heal at different rates but you need a full recovery to avoid complications and future problems might help. Why can't people keep their opinions to themselves anyway? Hope she learns to chill out.
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Unread 06-07-2010, 03:02 PM
Re: Mother-in-law

Who cares what she thinks! She probably doesn't remember how long it really took her to recover fully anyway. If you can get disability and the time off then I say "go for it". I had a TAH and I wish I could have been off longer than 6 weeks because that is about how long it took me to feel human again and not so sore and tired all the time. Even when I went back, I was on 8 hour shifts and it kicked my butt. Different people have different needs and if you've had a lot of problems with anemia or pain, like me, then it may take longer for you to heal. I'm a tough cookie but it is major surgery and even though you look fine on the outside, you may not be healed on the inside. As for having the mother-in-law around all the time, let her help you out until she drives you crazy and then tell her you don't need any more help. I bet she'll run for the door!
Unread 06-07-2010, 03:13 PM
Re: Mother-in-law

Hi Tessa

My mother-in-law also expressed surprise at how long I would be off work. She said she didn't remember it taking that long for her to recover. However, she wasn't working outside the home at the time, so she was returning to a different kind of work than I was.

You may find that you are grateful for her assistance during your early recovery, but you shouldn't need help the entire time you're off work.

Unread 06-07-2010, 04:22 PM
Re: Mother-in-law

My mother in law is just as bad about telling me how long I should be out, but she hasn't had a hysterectomy so I just want to tell her where to stick her advice and that's up her butt. I'm not being very nice but I don't have my mom around and the only thing that my mother in law has done is give unsolicited advice on a subject she knows nothing about. I have 3 kids and she complains about having to watch them so my DH and I are trying to find a place for them to stay the night before my surgery. My visit to the castle is June 15th so I'm running out of time and she hasn't offered to help. It hurts my feelings because I thought that she would be of some support since I don't have my mom around, but I've been disappointed so far by her actions.
Unread 06-07-2010, 04:43 PM
Re: Mother-in-law

First of all when you return to work is absolutely none of her business. Take all the time you need. She may be jealous that you were able to get so much time off.

This is a time when your DH needs to step in and talk to his mother about what you need. It's NOT about's about you! Your husband should have told her he would talk to you before giving her the go ahead. Your DH may be a bit worried that he will be able to take care of you--and he wants to make sure all will be well for you. He may need some reassurance that his mom is not needed.
Unread 06-07-2010, 04:53 PM
Re: Mother-in-law

I like the one thing I read here that you don't get a prize for getting back to work the quickest or needing the least help. I would take as much time as you can to heal correctly. You only get one chance to do it right. If you do not want her there at all I would agree that I would tell her now. I needed help for the first 3 days but that was just because I was afraid to shower alone & I was exhausted. After that I would not have wanted anyone here all the time. I don't think it would be restful feeling like you have to stay awake for someone. Best wishes to you!
Unread 06-07-2010, 05:26 PM
Re: Mother-in-law

I would definitely recommend asking your husband to talk with his mom or talking to her yourself, to let her know that while her offer to help is nice and appreciated, you'd rather just go it alone. I had a friend come stay with me for a couple of days, and while it was nice to have her, she talked non-stop and I often just needed to rest. It was hard to let her know what I needed when it conflicted with what she wanted ... but I was the only one who knew I needed the rest that badly. We all heal differently and we all want different levels of help as we recover. You might just say that you do better on your own, taking your time, and doing things your own way. Good luck!
Unread 06-07-2010, 05:33 PM
Re: Mother-in-law

If your mother-in-law (MIL) wants to help out after your surgery, give her specific tasks and preferably ones that keep her out of your way. So, ask for her to deliver dinner on specific days. Ask her to do grocery shopping on specific days. Ask her to drive kids to and from activities (games, playdates, etc) on specific days. Ask her to do laundry and return it clean and folded. Tell her you are making a schedule so people can help out when it's convenient and let her know you have penciled her in for these chores/activities. I would go as far as to actually write up a support schedule and ask your friends/neighbors/relatives for their time and help. This way she can help out but stay out of your way. Have your 'favorite' people do the things that involve you! Be pro-active, it will help and keep you happy.

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